Today on Studio 5...

Thanks for the emails and compliments on my outfit!  The necklace and T are J Crew.  You guys are the best ever!  For those who don't understand, I offer customizable etiquette and manners courses designed to help you in business, school, social situations, family, etc.  Please email me with inquiries:  thepinkteapot [at] gmail [dot] com

Loves!

Fancy Friday: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah?

Every year it becomes more and more complicated to wish someone glad tidings during this time of celebration for many cultures.  

I believe we must be sensitive to other's beliefs, however,  December 25th is Christmas for me and my family: a day to commemorate the birth of what Christians believe (as do I- being a Christian) was the day of Christ's birth on this earth; Christ being my Lord and Savior. 

Hanukkah is observed for eight nights and days, starting on the 25th day of Kislev according to the Hebrew calendar, which may occur at any time from late November to late December in the Gregorian calendar.  the Menorah has many symbolic meanings to the Jewish culture that are beautiful and spiritual.

Kwanzaa is a week-long celebration held in the United States (and more recently, Canada). The celebration honors African heritage in African-American culture, and is observed from December 26 to January 1, culminating in a feast and gift-giving.  Much more is said about Kwanzaa here that is profound and meaningful.  

My point in writing this post is to point out that we too easily get offended when one person says to another (perhaps of different beliefs) Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays.  I do not wish to take CHRIST out of Christmas, the very opposite.  This is a time for my family that is very sacred to me, that I love and cherish every year.  

I do realize (for all of you out there reading my blog) that this is an etiquette and manners blog, which is precisely why I am writing it.  I think Emily Post herself would roll over in her grave.  At no such time was there a belief that having good manners meant rolling over and playing dead so someone could walk all over us.  I certainly am tired of doing that and refuse to allow it any further in my life.  Call a spade a spade and lets keep it moving!

The fact that the White House called the Christmas Trees "Holiday Trees" this year is insulting.  The very symbolism of the tree is for Christmas.  Have A Menorah, symbols for Kwanzaa, different symbols for different cultures, but why call them Holiday trees when they are clearly Christmas trees?  Does someone think they are not offending anyone by calling them holiday trees?  I'm sad.  The green nature of the tree represents evergreen- everlasting life- Christ.  Missing the point? 

I simply wonder if we must be so politically correct all the time?  Yes, we do need to help others feel comfortable.  But the other day I was speaking with my husband about a specific ethnic group of people and I couldn't even remember what the newest PC name was to refer to them by.  

We did we become such and offended culture?  One where perhaps when we are in the wrong, we seek fault in another to help ourselves feel better.  My hubs was telling me about a HS basketball game the other day where a team beat another by some extraordinary number (107-2) and people were angry with the winning team for poor sportsmanship. 

We are in an age of entitlement.  I found it, I keep it.  You deserved it.  It's all about me.  I deserve a trophy for showing up.  

I believe this sense of entitlement not only contributes to the moral decay of our society, but prevents people from learning how to treat others kindly, have good manners, and just plain be good members of society.  

Please, during this time of year...no matter what you do or don't believe in; there is a special feeling in the air.  Take time to reflect upon your actions, not the actions of others, and see how you can improve. Respect others and don't worry about being offended so much.  Be proud of what you believe in.  

I find it so sad that we live in a world where someone takes offense in how we greet them during this time of year.  Find joy in the fact that they have beliefs wish them well.  Faith is a blessing, not a curse.

Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Be kind, be charitable, be sincere.

My two cents.

A woman of strength- Fancy Friday (or not so fancy)

I had a very touching and tender conversation the other day with a close friend, who's been there for me through a lot...and we've known each other for 8 years and change.  After our conversation (which always picks up where we last left off...the best kind), she sent me this email.  You may have seen it, but I think it is poignant and pertinent in my life as well as the lives of women in general.  I hope and strive to be a woman of strength.  Thank you Jenn.

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape…A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything …but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear…A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her …but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone…A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future…a woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be God’s blessings and capitalizes on them…A strong woman walks sure footedly …but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls…A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face …but a woman of strength wears grace…A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey …but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong…

The wonderful world of Tipping-Part 1

Tips can be a tricky...do you pay your hairdresser a flat rate or percentage?  When do you give the valet his tip, before you walk in to your venue, when you are leaving, or both?  Here are a few suggestions on how to tip properly:

• Be discrete.  There is no need to flash your cash if you're a big tipper.
• It is customary to tip on the pre-taxed amount of the bill.
• When in doubt about tipping, ask in advance.
• Money is the tip of choice, but in some cases a small gift, usually during the holidays can be substituted.

Restaurants and Bars:

Waiters- 15% is standard, in large cities 15-20% is standard.  Exceptions to the 15-20% rule include:

• When a restaurant is self serve- 10% is customary and is a thank you for preparing drinks and cleaning up your table
• When the waiter has been especially accommodating- you may wish to add an additional percentage or 2-5$ to your 20%
• When a gratuity has already been added to the bill- then there is no need to give a tip.
• When your stay at a crowded restaurant is lengthy- Most restaurants count on turning tables at a fairly quick rate.  Taking more time at a table means losing money for the restaurant and the server.  Tacking on an extra 10-15% will express your thanks for being allowed to linger.

Bartenders

• As you wait for a table, you can either pay for your drinks as you order or ask the bartender to run a tab, with will be added to your dinner bill.  In either case, leave a tip for the bartender when you are told that your table is ready.  in small towns 1$ per drink is fine.  
• If you're at a bar simply to have a drink, tip between 15-20% at higher end if the bartender has run a tab for you, if he's thrown in a free drink or two, add a couple of extra dollars to your tip.

Wine Stewards

• A wine steward ( in upscale restaurants, the sommilier if a man, sommeliere if a woman) is tipped 15-20% of the wine bill, but only if he or she was especially attentive.  If the the steward merely took your order and poured your first glass of wine, you might leave 10-15%, though no tip is required.
• Customers usually tip a wine steward in cash at the end of the meal but in some restaurants you might find a wine-tip line on the credit card bill.  And take note:When tipping a wine steward, tip your waiter only for the food portion of your bill.

Valet Attendants

• Tip the parking attendants 2$ in smaller cities and 3-5$ in larger cities.  Give the tip when the car is brought to you, not when you arrive.

In Transit

At Airports

• Curbside baggage checker, skycap, or airline porter.  The standard is 1$ to 2$ per bag- a little more if the bag is very heavy.
• Wheelchair attendant.  A 2-5$ tip is standard.  If the attendant goes the extra mile, such as pushing the wheelchair from one end of the large airport to the other, tip on the higher end or even more.
• Hotel shuttle bus driver.  If the driver helps you with your baggage, tip no less than 1$ per bag.
• Workers in the airport. Tip as you would servers in other restaurants.

On Trains

• Dining or club car waiter. 15-20%
• Waiter delivering to sleeping car-15-20%
• Redcap or train porter-1$ per bag plus 1$ added to the total.
• Sleeping car porter-2$ per person per night.

In Taxis, Private Cars, or Limousines

• Taxis- generally about 20% of the fare, but in large cities you should tip a minimum of 1$.  If a taxi driver helps with your luggage or packages, a slightly larger tip is always in order; in general 1$ per bag.  Try to avoid using large bills, especially during short rides or shift changes, when drivers aren't likely to have change.
• For car and Limousine services, the easiest way to top is to tell the service to add the gratuity to the bill, and often times this is done automatically. You may do this when you request the service.  In larger cities, the standard tip is about 20%; in smaller cities, 15%.  When a gratuity is included in the fee, there's no need to tip more.

On Cruises 

Tips at sea

• A good rule is to allow about 15% of your fare for tipping.  Divide about half of this allowance between the cabin and dining-room stewards and distribute the rest to others who served you.
• Cabin Stewards, Dining Room Stewards, and Waiters should receive about 3$ per day minimum.  Put tips in separately addressed envelopes and hand them to each person at the end of the cruise with a note of thanks if you wish.
• Lounge and bar Stewards- 15-20% at the time of service.  
• Wine Steward- 15-20% Each time you use his services.
• Hairdressers, manicurists, and other service people are tipped at the same rate as on land (that will be in part two)
• Like train and airport porters-1$ per bag at the time of service
• On longer cruises consider tipping weekly and find a day that works for you to be consistent.  
• Do not tip the ships officers, but do thank them for their courtesy and hospitality if you cross paths or happen to go to a captains dinner.  Do not tip the ships doctor.

Next post I will talk about Hotels, service industry professionals, Health care providers, Home delivery services, Residential Building Personnel, and other out- and about tipping.  I also have a post about holiday tipping that I will refer you to.  

To be loved...

It's been a difficult few weeks (as I'm sure you can tell by my short fuse as I write). We've had some challenges at home with my husbands health that have been scary and serious and he is the strong one and my rock. Anyone who knows us can tell you that.

The medication they put him on while they are waiting to find out what is going on with his heart has aggravated his stomach and he has a history of ulcers that bled from when he was a boy (my poor sweet husband)- so he stopped taking that as of this morning which makes me more than nervous. I put a call into our Dr. so hopefully we'll hear back soon on that end. That's not the reason I'm writing though- that's the set up for what I'm going to tell you.

As I'm dealing with this small but real crisis (and my eight year old is home really sick)- my little precious toy doggie is digging into the cat pan as I'm on the corded phone (who owns those anymore?)- and can't move to chasten her! She's digging away for "buried treasure". My sweet, loving, intuitive five year old daughter (my baby), jumps off the bed without being asked and says, "mom, let me clean the cat pan!"- and she gets the dog out of the cat pan and whisks her outside and proceeds to do just that. I got off the phone and just watched her and then helped her finish as tears ran down my cheeks.

To me, that is the essence of service and true love- especially for a five year old! What do they hate more than cat poop? not much! And yet she cleaned the entire pan so that Nellie, the naughty dog, wouldn't get into the pan which she knew was distressing me while I was on an important call.

I aspire to be more like my five year old daughter (and like all my children) every day. They teach me how to love unconditionally, how to serve selflessly, how to give freely, and care for others effortlessly. I love you babies and I hope to become more like you- thank you for teaching me today what it's like to be loved and how to love.

Customer service...what?

Disclaimer: I think there should be a special line where we (the dissatisfied customers- the ones who have been horribly mistreated) get to take their turn giving you (the customer service rep who is a total moron and a meany) a kick in the pants!

Can I just say- I have so had it with "I'm sorry for the inconvenience"? No they're not. They are not personally sorry for the inconvenience they have caused me, so why apologize insincerely? I actually had a rep argue with me the other day:

I'm just going to be blunt and spill it, even though it's usually not my style- I'm so ticked and I think that everyone should know how I was treated! An AT&T customer service rep told me the other day that I should just get used to the fact that I can't use my 3G network on my iPhone. I continually drop calls when I'm on the 3G- so I have to switch off that network (to the EDGE) to make calls- but you can't be on the EDGE and make calls and be on the internet simultaneously (which is what they are spending millions advertising). This guy actually told me that he has a Blackberry (whatever model) and that he pays the same amount that I do for the internet per month and he doesn't get 3G service- I asked him if that's what he was promised- he said 'no'. I said, "alright, well I was- this is the entire purpose of the iPhone- I need to multitask here Danny!"

He continued with "I'm sorry for the inconvenience", and whatever I said after that, this was his reply. I was getting nowhere (and this has been the case for the last six months with this company)- so I called Apple (my favorite company in the entire world).

I told them what had happened and then I proceeded to tell them that I didn't have problems with other products that I owned (and we have a few)...so what's the deal? Michael, a very kind and patient senior advisor, not only replaced my phone on the slight chance that this glitch might be a hardware issue, but he upgraded my phone to a brand new (not refurbished) 32 gig (I had a 16)- I was so shocked by the discrepancy between the two companies that I had to tell Michael that I hoped that they didn't stay with AT&T too much longer (although I know that the iPad is exclusively with AT&T).

I'm tired of being patient and kind with these people when they are not (although I will continue to be)- but customer service has just gone down the tubes! I'm so over it!

May I take your order?

I had a reader email this question to me and I couldn't wait to post it. Customer service today (or a lack thereof) is a huge pet peeve of mine. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to be a server for example, however it does take a special kind of person to work in the customer service industry and those people are a dying breed apparently.

Several times last week I said to myself and others, "I'm going to blog about this" in utter shock at how others were acting who were supposed to be helpful and instead I found them to be...well let's just say- less than helpful.

At one point this week I was actually in tears trying to get a point across (an important one) to a sales representative and he actually said to me, "this isn't a big deal"- the big deal was they weren't listening to what I was saying and had fraudulently charged my credit card and would not relent (it took five people and a large chunk of my time before someone 'got it').

Suffice it to say- if you have the hiring power, at least make sure the people whom you are hiring to work with consumers, are teachable and patient- the rest learnable.

Here is what my reader had to say:

A big pet peeve on manners is when you order food anywhere, whether over the phone for takeout or in person, and the person taking your 411 acts like they really don't care if you order (you're just a #, they're just doing their job, and they can't wait to get you out the door or off the phone.). Then when you ask for their name, what you really want to do is give them a piece of your mind for treating you so rudely. Agh! What do you do?

Dear frustrated,

I would not hesitate one bit to say something like, "I am really trying to have patience, but I feel as though I'm not being treated the way I should be, and I don't appreciate it" You may not get the response you would want, but you've spoken your mind. Another approach is to say, "thank you so much, may I please speak with your supervisor?" I know for a fact that most large corporations cannot hang up on you without it being recorded that they have done so- much to their chagrin I'm sure.

I'm sorry for your general experiences and disappointment, but I'm sure you're not alone. You can find comfort in that. At least you can appreciate a good customer service representative when you get one!

A Classy Lady

I thought this quote from Audrey Hepburn went along perfectly with what I try to say to you, my readers...and how I try and live my life (imperfectly of course). “Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.” A lady with true class and elegance who's style and grace is timeless.

Give Me "Five"

"I would love to hear about how to teach children to have good manners. This is very important to me that my dd has good social graces. I believe this is to show respect for herself and others. She's turning 2 next week, so I know the best way is by example. But I would love to hear tips and such to use when she is older."

I love this question, thank you for asking it. As my children grow, I've come to understand that manners and etiquette truly come as a process in life. We learn simple things as small children, like how to say please and thank you (as early as 1 1/2 or 2) and as we grow, we learn not to hit, to say "sorry", to take turns, etc. These things are all part of the process.

As far as sitting down and teaching manners to children, I have come up with some things that I feel are important to teach my children, so that's the experience that I can talk about.

1. To treat every person with respect-It's crucial to teach our children that though every person is different, every person has the right to be treated with basic human respect. This does not mean that we trust every person, that we place ourselves in dangerous situations, but that we treat others with kindness whenever possible. I've talked about this before here.
   
2. Answer the phone well- I know this may sound silly, but first impressions say a lot. I have taught my children to say, "Hello "Smiths" this is "Carlie" speaking. May I please ask who's calling? One moment please. Then they are never to yell at me to summon me to the phone, they are to leave the phone and come find me, or bring the phone to me. It's a privilege in our home to answer the phone, not a right.
3. Give me "Five"- Please, Thank you, I'm sorry, Excuse me (or pardon me), and you're welcome which goes along with this post. These are things that every child needs to learn how to say. They need to also understand how to be sincere in saying these things. Sincerity of heart starts with our example.
4. Adults are not their equals- Children need to learn not to be afraid of adults, but to respect their elders. This is not an outdated concept as some would have us believe, but a lost art. People who are older than we are have more experience and wisdom than we do, and that position demands our respect. We need to teach our children that the most wise people they will ever know will be their grandparents if they have them, or the elderly people in their life. If they don't have the privilege of having grandparents, take them to a retirement home and volunteer there as a family. Let your children interact with the people there, you may be surprised to find out just how much these wonderful people have to say and how much we have to learn. I know these experiences in my life have been very fulfilling and spending quality time with my grandmother every weekend growing up brings back fond memories...she taught me to love some of the finer things in life.

Here are a few more ideas from a previous post called, "My top Five" which deals with some other crucial manners to teach our children.

Fancy (not so much) Friday

I am going to climb back up on that soap box...I hope I don't offend anyone. I was dining with my husband last night and we were in a restaurant where you stand in line, create your food, pay for it, and finally take it to your table. My husband was kind enough to ask a friend that we were meeting later if he would like something to eat. As luck would have it, my husband got in line behind 12, yes 12 women who were together. They couldn't decide what they wanted and were talking amoungst themselves and looking at the menu. Now, you probably know what I'm going to say...

I think that when you are deciding on your food (in person, not possible in the car) at a restaurant where you stand in line...you should allow the person behind you to go ahead and order. It is simple, you say something like, "Do you know what you want?" (they say yes) "Go ahead of us, we're still deciding."

I believe that good old fashioned manners and courtesy have flown out of some peoples' heads. They are concerned with themselves and only themselves. When you are in line at the market, if the person behind you has 6 items and you have a basket (or even half a basket) allow them to go ahead of you unless you are in a tremendous hurry (usually we can spare 3 extra minutes)...you never know if the person behind you is in a big hurry. What if those six items were fever relievers or the rest of a dinner they are picking up to bring to a sick friend. You never know, so please don't assume you're the only one with a day ahead of them, or with places to go.

If we use our common sense and remember the "golden rule" of etiquette (treat others as you would want to be treated) we will never fail (personally). That doesn't mean we'll always be treated the way we wish to be, but we never have to wonder if we've done all we can.

I'll climb back down now, it's just something that caught me by surprise actually. The end of the story is what you would expect. The women took fifteen minutes to decide what they wanted...and my sweet patient husband stood silently behind them (as he should have) and waited his turn. We were late to a meeting as a result...but I did point out to my sweet husband that if he had called his friend when we were in line ordering for ourselves because he thought about whether or not our friend had the time to eat previously, we would have never been in that situation...just some food for thought. Happy Friday!

Get well soon

This week I thought I'd talk about how to show someone you care. I want to start this series by talking about when someone is ill. This illness might be chronic, acute, fatal, or mild. There are so many things that can go under the category of "illness". Today's post will concentrate on chronic illness. Here are some thoughts:

• If you know someone is hurting or having a bad spell, send her a get well card or gift. It doesn't have to be anything big, just something to show that you are thinking of her and wish her well. However, don't put stress on the "get well" part, instead concentrate on saying "feel better" or "I'm thinking of you".
  
• She may be unwilling to ask for help, but chances are she would appreciate it. Avoid asking what you can do and instead think of something you know would help her and ask if it's okay for you to do it.
• Recognize that chronic pain and fatigue can make anyone irritable at times, and if she seems irritable, it's nothing personal.
• Be flexible when making plans and don't make her feel guilty if she cannot do something or must reschedule a date due to her condition.
• If you visit, be an easygoing guest. Don't expect to be entertained and be prepared to do things for her if wanted. If you expect too much, this will only give her unneeded stress. Your company in just sitting quietly and reading a book is appreciated.
• Ask if you can run an errand for her before visiting.
• Don't assume she can't do something without asking first.
• Keep her disability in mind when making plans and make sure that venues or situations you choose will be accessible and friendly to her condition.
• Drop prepared food or homemade food in disposable containers at her house.
  
• Invite her to a spontaneous event. Although it may seem like she can't go anywhere without a lot of planning, if you catch her on a good day she will know right away if she can go.
• Let her know that she can talk to you and you will listen,then actually listen, and just listen. Chronically ill people often have a lot they want to get off their chest but they feel they will burden others with their concerns and frustrations.
• Be a shoulder for her to cry on and no matter how trivial something may see to you, remember it is a big deal for her.
• Do some research of your own into her condition to better understand her symptoms and treatments. If you find anything that may help her let her know in an no-pressure way.
• Be her advocate. If you are at an event and there is an issue because of her disability, speak up!
• Don't minimize or trivialize her symptoms, and don't pretend or think that you know or understand exactly what she is going through.
• Remember the caretakers. These are people who may devote a lot of time or energy caring for a loved one with a chronic illness. These people could use a little extra emotional support too, even if it's just asking "how are you?" or offering to take over their care duties for a couple hours.

Bereavement

Bereavement- the act of being bereaved: especially the loss of a loved one. Let's talk about how to handle this delicate situation, when this loss has happened to someone you know.


Knowing what to say is a difficult thing, but following the guidelines above gives you a general idea of what to say and what to avoid saying. I think that asking if you can do something specific, or just filling a need without being asked is a good gesture; it is a rare thing that the person grieving will actually call you.

In response to written notes of condolence, there should be a brief note written. It's important to note that the person to whom the note is written (or flowers or gifts are given) does not have to write the note. Delegate that task and have the person writing thank the giver on behalf of the family, that is completely appropriate.

All in a day's ride

I'm going to make this post brief since it's technically a "holiday" weekend and my post yesterday was enough to keep me thinking for a week. Yesterday I was finishing a bike ride with my family when another family approached ours and politely asked if we had an air pump that they could borrow. We happened to have one and happily gave it up for their use. After they returned it, they asked if we had a knife to cut the tags off a new helmet...we happened to have one of those too and let them borrow it. The knife was returned and they had said thank you more than enough times. As they were riding by, going on the trail with their family, they stopped to thank us once again. This was unnecessary of course, but I was happy that we could have helped someone else.

The point I'm trying to make here is that what can seem like such a small thing to us, can be a big deal to someone else. They didn't have a working bike pump and I don't think their plans would have stayed intact if they hadn't found one. This was not an inconvenience to us (although that shouldn't always be the basis on which we decide to help someone) and it was a big deal to them.

Always be willing to help out where you can. Our families come first of course, but during our day, there are probably many opportunities to help others whether by service, inviting them to do something with you, a phone call, and email, or whatever the case may be. Never assume you know what others are going through or what they may not need. I'd rather be the one who keeps on getting turned down or always leaves a message. "Life's most persistent and urgent question is...what are you doing for others?"- Martin Luther King, Jr.