Cell phone manners

I wasn't aware (shamefully) that July among other things, is National Cell Phone Courtesy month.  Who knew?  KSL did their homework and was aware of this and asked me to pop on to their morning show to talk about using our manners with cell phone in hand (or sometimes not in hand).

Here is the link to the video interview which is a lot simpler sometimes than reading my lengthy posts.  I tend to impart a lot of information when I get excited about topics and TV is a good way for me to trim down the 'fat' if you will.

I hope you enjoy and I am enjoying the Summer with my family and seem to always be a little more inconsistent than usual in posting during the Summer months.  Forgive me, follow me on Twitter (140 characters is a good way for me to get the point across quickly), and Like my Facebook page (I update that often as well).  I love the blog and the soap box format it gives me to express my opinions, but with the segment on Studio 5 (a lot of links huh today huh), Facebook, Twitter, and last but certainly not least- my cute family; I get inundated with technology and sometimes have to take a break.

Here's to hoping you enjoy your Summer as well.  Off I go to lounge by the pool and pretend that my laundry doesn't need to be done!

P.S.  thought this pic was hilarious!!  Don't we all wish that some people would get into their own private "cell phone booth" once in a while?  TMI!

My two cents

You son of a gun!

In my teens, I had made myself a promise that I wasn't going to use swear words as a part of my vocabulary.  I remembered thinking that it dulled my senses, made me feel badly, and that it might appear to others that I didn't have the expansive vocabulary to properly express myself (which- lets face it- if you know me...I never have a shortage of words to use).  I kept that promise....until recently.

In the last year or so, I have found that when listening to people around me, it becomes difficult to shun those words from my mind...and once they're in your mind, it's not a far travel to your mouth.  My mom and dad used swear words when I was growing up- I never thought they didn't know how to communicate, this was just common place...but the bottom line is that your children will do what you do, not what you say.


My husband recently expressed (again) that he preferred I use my love of words to express my feelings, without using profanity.  I think that was a pivotal moment for me- I realized that no matter how justified I felt at the time, it made others around me (or had the potential of making others around me) uncomfortable.

I don't think this has anything to do with culture, religion, or creed.  I think it simply has to do with what is considered a swear word and as one wise woman in my neighborhood said, "if it goes in the toilet, it doesn't belong in your mouth." She specifically was referring to the word 'crap' and other words weren't an appropriate substitution for profanity in her opinion.

What I've learned is that I make mistakes (not a new lesson) but that people will love me anyway- however, I will gain more respect from those around me (or they may maintain their respect for me) if I  search my brain for the exact word that I want to use when expressing an opinion, frustration, joy, hurt, or any other emotion I might want to convey.

I did some research on this topic.  I will include a link here to some Op-Ed articles in the NY Times about profanity that are an interesting read.  I read several other papers and theories on this subject.  Many used the expletives within their article (counterproductive for my post) so I chose to leave the search to you.

My main point in writing this is to share that I truly believe, whether you have a friend who curses and you picked it up, our you just like to do it because...It does have an affect on those around you and can make others feel very uncomfortable; the ironic thing about my nasty little habit is that the person whom I had spent so much time with (who swore), was trying to stop, and by swearing myself, I was making that person uncomfortable.  I never imagined that their level of comfort (especially since they brought it around me) would be so contingent on my using appropriate language.  Side note:  They have never said this to me...it's just how I know they feel.

You never know how others view you...and I feel like what other people think about me is none of my business.  I mostly feel that way because I can't change anyone else, I can only change myself (and if they want to know who I really am, they can always ask).  I would never want to change anyone...whether you have a potty mouth or not, It's not my business.  My business is to let you know that it does affect how others perceive you and possibly their level of comfort in your presence.

Emily Post felt (well really Peggy Post feels) that one of the top 12 rudest behaviors include swearing in public, "Using four-letter words and other obscenities in public without any reservations- especially in the presence of children," ranks #2 on her 'Dirty Dozen: Today's Rudest Behaviors'.  I think it's interesting that people have felt for centuries that society has become more and more rude (by approximately 75% each time the poll was taken (I don't have an exact frequency but the first poll was in 1405).

Peggy also says, "Save your more colorful language for a private place."

My two cents

The new world

I have been reading blogs and articles about manners and etiquette (which are not the same thing: manners being a way we act in order to help those around us feel more comfortable and etiquette being a specific code of conduct that may change over time but that is more specific and formal i.e. how to greet the queen, etc).  It's been fascinating to glean different points of view on the subject and I came across an article that originated from a radio show produced in San Fran.  I found it particularly refreshing and pertinent in our society as well as easy to put into practice.  It's an easy read.

Perhaps the rules of etiquette will and do change as time goes on and society adapts, but having good manners and helping those around us feel comfortable doesn't.  Having grace is always in style.

My two cents.

Love letter to Pinterest-Fancy Friday

In jest the other day I wrote a small love letter to Pinterest on my Facebook page that was intended purely for my enjoyment.  I was 'invited' to Pinterest several months ago, accepted the invitation, then had no idea how on earth to use it...so I left it alone.  After one of our regular extended family functions, my sis-in-law was kind enough to offer up a tutorial since I had expressed my frustration with this site I didn't understand but wanted to.  She bounced into the computer room and began the tour of Pinterest.  It was overwhelming at first and I didn't fully understand what she was saying to me.  She kept telling me, "you'll get it the more you try it".  I just nodded my head and smiled...assured that I would, in fact, figure it out the way I've figured out computers, cell phones, social media, blogging, cooking...oh let's see...just about everything I do...all by myself, in due time...and enough to get by.

Well, I did figure it out, perhaps a little too well.  I find myself looking at my mobile app when I'm waiting for kids in the car, waiting in line, waiting in offices, waiting for meetings to start, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I have found, however that I do need to remember that some of this waiting time used to be "thinking" time.  Thinking time?  I don't know if I know exactly what that is anymore...but I am trying to reacquaint myself with the notion.

Long story longer...my whole point is that Pinterest has an Etiquette section.  It's simple and clean, just like their premise, I like that.  It's here if you would like to check it out.  I did and I appreciate what they had to say.  I never mind reading etiquette rules or suggestions anywhere.  I can always learn.

By the by...if you're interested- my love letter is below.

My two cents.

Dear Pinterest,

Even though I love you and my feelings for you grow stronger every time I see you, I feel that you are trying to monopolize my time. I'm just not okay with that. You don't respect that I have other things I want to get done...like make the cute crafts I see you flaunting or cook the yummy food you tease me with. I feel like our love affair has been such a whirlwind, Rachel introduces us, we go out on our first date, explore the world, peruse cuisine of all types, even pick out decor for our dream home. I will discuss it with my husband Pinterest...but I don't know if there is room in this relationship for all three of us- one of you two has to go...the question is...

Higher education

I feel that in my position as a full time mom-chauffeur-chef-maid-nurse-farmer-psychologist-lover-blogger-business partner-sister-daughter-friend, I have little time to enrich my formal education.  I usurp information where I can (dictionary.com when the words are too big) and that's about it.

I also enjoy the hundreds (literally) of emails that flood my inbox every day from various websites begging me to enjoy their last day of 30% off or letting me know how excited I should be to purchase a product I don't need for an exorbitant price and then get another product I don't need for free...makes sense (not! but I do it anyway sometimes...).  Among this sea of emails that I swim through every morning (mostly looking for human interaction from you), I look for one of my favorite daily snippets from LearnVest (small side note...not completely relevant but important I feel for me to let you know that I don't ever get paid for anything on this website...so all my links are just because I say so).  I love getting this daily newsletter because I can sign up for fun things like Princess Boot Camp (to kick my butt into gear and help me lose some of my negative shopping habits) and also learn about some of the dumb things I do with my $$.

The point today is that I'm sharing an article that I very much appreciated from them and I particularly enjoy the way in which they convey their information.  They are cheeky, accessible, and informational all in one website- fabulous!  This article is 10 Social Medial Blunders That Will Hurt Your Career.  I don't think anyone is immune to making mistakes so even if your career is like mine, take a few to read this and other articles, or better yet, sign up for their newsletter.  My wise hubby pretty perfectly already follows their advice...if only I did!

My two cents

Beautiful flowers

As I have been in charge of funeral flowers for my Grandfather's funeral, I have learned a few things that I thought I would pass along that you might find helpful.  If you have information that you'd like to add, please feel free to add your thoughts and tips.


In our preparations, we have found a florist who has not only been helpful, but pleasant to work with and so friendly and knowledgeable.  Things that are all needed during this time.  I would highly recommend them and I can't wait to find occasion to use them again.  They have been proactive in contacting me and have thought of every last detail.  So lovely to work with The Painted Daisy in Highland, Utah.  


Funeral Flowers - Is it an expected part of funeral etiquette to send flowers?
First check the bereavement and funeral notice in the newspaper or phone the funeral home. Many people request donations should be made in lieu of flowers, you should respect their wishes.

However, if there are no such requests, flowers can be a great comfort to the family. If the deceased was very popular or well known, too many flowers can be overwhelming. You need to exercise your own judgment here.  A card or a phone call of empathy is often a thoughtful and welcome gesture.



Funeral Flower Etiquette - flowers for a traditional funeral:

1. Wreaths and sprays should only be sent to the funeral home and never the deceased person's home.
2. Placing flowers on the casket is a privilege and tradition reserved for the family of the loved one.
3. If sending flowers to the family home, go with an arrangement that comes with a self-contained water vessel. This will save them the hassle of fussing over and maintaining the flowers in a time of grieving where such small tasks may get overlooked.
4. If you are unsure about what color funeral to send, then stick with pastels, as they are a soft safe option.



Funeral Flower Etiquette for different religions and customs
There are different protocols observed for each religion and faith. They are as follows:
5. It is accepted to give flowers in the following faiths: Baha'i, Buddhist, Catholic, Christian, Mormon and Eastern Orthodox. For Mormons, flowers arranged in the shape of a crucifix or a cross is not acceptable. White flowers are preferred if the religion is Eastern Orthodox.
6. Check with the family if the deceased is Islamic or Hindu, as there are varying practices within the religion of giving flowers.
7. In the Jewish faith, it is a practice to send food packages to the home and family of the deceased rather than sending flowers to the funeral home. While it is becoming more accepted by some members of the faith to send flowers to the family at home, it is still frowned upon by Orthodox Jews.
Finally, if you are still unsure about the process associated with the deceased's family, ask the funeral home or the family's religious or cultural leader for advice. Many florists and online dealers are usually well versed in all aspects of funeral etiquette and may also be able to guide you in selecting the right arrangement.

Fancy Friday: ...Oh Thank You!

There are not many things that make my day more (unless my tulips would hurry up and bloom)- than a hand-written note in the mail...addressed just to me!  Through all technology's changes tweets, twoits (sounds dirty), FB messages, email, whatever, I have to say, I love a hand-written note best.  I talk about all kinds of correspondence here in another post and how important "Thank you" is to me in this post, but I'd like to talk a little bit about sitting down and taking the time to actually do it.

Like most people, my mail consists of bills that I've already signed up to have emailed to me, lots of ads for the week telling me how cheap that "leather" couch is, and my Netflix (because my hubby is a stickler for getting those back and getting his 7.99 worth every month).  My mail carrier is kind enough to always put the exciting stuff on top.  He will always put hand written correspondence on the top of my pile making my trip to the mailbox soooo much more exciting (even though it's really DH who gets the mail because I loose half of it when I get distracted by the new Pottery Barn magazine).

My long, drawn out point is, this isn't fancy or difficult, it doesn't require extra funds or being part of the upper class, anyone can write a thank you note, and that is classy in my book.

• Thank someone for a wonderful lunch the other day, tell them how much fun you had chatting with them and you hope you can do it again soon.
• Let somebody know how much fun you had seeing them while visiting (insert city, state, country) on business or pleasure and you appreciated their hospitality while you did (insert something nice).
• Say thank you for a birthday gift that was dropped off to your house, because someone took the time to remember you on your special day.
• Send thank you notes for Christmas presents, letting that person know (or all those people know) how much you LOVE that tie!
• Write a note thanking your DH for the flowers he brought you home when you were having a bad day, and leave it taped on the mirror with a lipstick kiss next to it.

There are endless possibilities and reasons to write a note of gratitude, it's just a matter of sitting down and recognizing what we are grateful for and who has touched our lives this week.  It's never too late to write a note, although general etiquette says you have one year from your wedding to write a Thank You for your gift, I say three months is the max- after that we've all forgotten what we've done (wedding would be the exception).  

Let me say one more thing- something is always better than nothing.  If you can only text, tweet, or FB a  "Thank you" then so be it, I'm not going to come bonk you on the head with my etiquette wand.  acknowledgment is always better than leaving something unsaid.  So if you really can't sit down and write it out, use the blessing of technology and say it somehow.

Have a fabulous weekend- Those are my two cents!

The little pink book of etiquette

I found a great book that I thought I would share. This book is a small, practical, and cute guide to etiquette that you're all sure to enjoy! It's found on my nightstand and I frequent it's pages so that I can learn more and love the author's adorable humor- a great read. This would also make a great gift. You can purchase it here.

When in doubt, do!

I was talking with a friend recently who had lost a loved one.  The one sentiment she expressed to me was that she wished that she had understood before the passing of her loved one, how much it meant to receive that little note or phone call showing that you care. 

So often in our lives, we think that when others are going through difficult times, we had best leave them alone to grieve, to recover, to prepare, etc., these are well intentioned thoughts, however, there is nothing wrong with sharing a note, a message, flowers, a frozen meal on a door step, whatever you feel you can do for another person.  This expressing of love and caring is often held back because we want to "respect another's boundaries" and yet, the best outpouring of love and support that I have seen in my own neighborhood and circle of friends has been when we have done the exact opposite.  

Most of the time, it is a lack of knowing what to do or say that holds us back, our own insecurities, if you will.   I have posted on this before.  If you have a friend, neighbor, or even an acquaintance who has lost a loved one, I have some suggestions on bereavement correspondence here.

When someone is ill (or their family member is ill) whether an acute illness or chronic, I have some suggestions that I've thought of.   

I think that our biggest faux pas is always in lacking to do or say something, ignoring what is in front of us, rather than addressing it.  There are always appropriate times and places to do so, but we are never remiss in letting others know that we care, only in ignoring other's suffering.  

I know that in my own personal experience I have not been perfect in addressing my loved one's suffering, but I have tried to consistently share caring (and sincere) thoughts with friends and loved ones (and sometimes people with whom I might be less well acquainted) because positive and sincere caring never hurt anyone but I do believe that a lack of concern can be hurtful to those in need.  

How does this tie into etiquette you might ask?  In every way possible, in my opinion.  This is the epitome of etiquette in my mind.  True etiquette is not snobbery or the putting on of airs, it is the sincere caring of another's comfort.  We want others to feel comfortable in our presence and in genuinely wanting that, if we strive to put ourselves out in situations that may seem awkward (like the ones mentioned above may be for some), we may find that we make new friends, heal another's heart, lift another's burden, or make another feel at ease.  

I hope you will take this challenge in it's most pure form and strive to place yourself in this position more often.  Even if this means for you writing more Thank You notes, express to others what you have failed to express in the past.  Do better and be better.  

What do I call you?

So we have addressed this topic before to some extent, but here is a situation that a reader presented, then I will follow with my opinions:

"I had a somewhat awkward situation that I would be interested in hearing your opinion on. I was calling to RSVP to a high school friend's baby shower. I didn't know who I was calling (they only gave a number to RSVP to). When the someone answered the phone, I identified myself and said I was "RSVPing" to the shower. The women didn't recognize my last name and asked me how I knew this friend. I told her high school, at which the women exclaimed "OH, KATE! Of course! This is Clair, Susan's mom!" I felt a little uncomfortable because I had never addressed my friend's mother by her first name, only as Mrs. Smith. I realize that I'm now an adult, but at what point is it okay to address an adult by their first name? Do you continue to call all adults by Mr. or Mrs. until they give you permission? Do I only address people that way who are older than me? I feel like I'm at an awkward transition period. I don't want to be rude, but adults keep insiting I call them by their first name."

Dear Anonymous:

• First of all, let's review that when writing an invitation of any kind, our names should appear, as well as our phone number to RSVP.  Here is some more useful information about "RSVPing" (I know it's not a real word).
  
• Second, if you're married now and you are calling about any prior acquaintance, the chances of your calling someone who knows your maiden name better raise slightly.  I try to simply identify myself as Janine (maiden name) (married name), that helps cut down on the confusion.
• Third and most importantly, I think this all has to do with a matter of comfort.  My mother has had a friend her entire life who we grew up calling Sam.  She was never "Mrs. Best" or any other title.  That was a special exception because of our family's close relationship.  However, now that I'm a grown woman with a family, I would always feel comfortable addressing other adults by their first name, after being prompted several times.  Sometimes it makes others around us feel more comfortable if we do so.  We have to take each situation and think about it individually.  Do all the kids in the neighborhood call me my special nickname that a few of the tender close children do in my life? No, but that's an individual situation.  I have nephews and nieces who call me that nickname too, and don't call me Aunt Janine.  I'm just fine with that, in fact, more comfortable with that as I know they are.  Here's some more about titles.  

Again, it's about what makes others feel more comfortable around you.  If it makes "Mrs. Smith" feel more comfortable for you to call her Claire, then call her Claire...if she's introduced herself as that and you're not sure, next time you see her, ask her, may I call you Claire?  Or you may simply go on calling her Mrs. Smith until (and if) she corrects you.  

I hope this helps, it's never a cut and dry thing, it's always looking at each situation and remembering to help those around you to feel comfortable and at ease in your presence, something we're all learning to do.

For more information on written correspondence, this is a great post and you have my permission to send this link to your friends.  

Naughty or nice etiquette tip nine

There's no obligation to send holiday cards at all. Too stressed? Forgo the tradition this season, but vow to get in touch at another time of year: Valentine's Day, Fourth of July, first week of fall, etc. You'll have more time for writing cards and hopefully won't view it as such a chore.

Naughty or nice etiquette tip eight

When you receive a holiday card from someone you didn't send one to, reciprocation is optional, although thoughtful. Send if you wish. But beware of turning the exchange of holiday cards into a table tennis match. Say a card arrives from your cousin Bonnie on the second day of Christmas, and oops, you'd accidentally forgotten her. Instead of thwacking a card back across the Web — which may seem perfunctory rather than sincere — wait a few weeks and write her a letter. Or, call Bonnie to thank her for such a thoughtful note. In fact, there's no obligation to send holiday cards at all. Too stressed? Forgo the tradition this season, but vow to get in touch at another time of year: Valentine's Day, Fourth of July, first week of fall, etc. You'll have more time for writing cards and hopefully won't view it as such a chore.

It's funny, I love getting holiday cards out, and all eighty-something are still sitting on my kitchen desk simply waiting for stamps now. you'd think I'd be ale to enlist some little hands for help! Better later than never, right?

Naughty or nice etiquette tip seven

If you're creating a holiday "newsletter" to send with cards, keep your readers in mind. Newsletters should be short (a page or less) and sweet. Keep them upbeat — most people don't want to hear about your dental surgery. On the other hand, avoid turning your letter into a brag sheet. Saying, "Sam and I were lucky enough to visit Europe — at long last!" is low-key and friendly. But "Sam and I spent a week at a deluxe French spa and were utterly pampered" screams "Don't you wish you were us?" Personalize each copy with a handwritten salutation and always sign your name. Also, be sure you're sending the newsletter only to people who are genuinely interested in your family news. Try a "top 10 reasons we're grateful" letter or a funny poem about silly things you've all said this past year...like I said, keep it light and keep your readers in mind...remember, do unto others, right?

A quick insert with your Christmas card with a blog address (if you have one) is a great way to allow people to keep up with your happenings without making them feel obligated to read the letter you've sent them. I apologize if our letters were every boring or overly informative...the blog will hopefully take care of that!

Condolance Cards

"I always struggle with condolence cards even for acquaintances or very close family. Have any suggestions for me?!"

My good friend posted this question and I'd love to help her out. Condolence cards can be a difficult thing because we may not know what to say and what to avoid saying. Take a look at my Bereavement post as well as You've got mail under "other kinds of letters" for some suggestions.

When writing a condolence card whether for someone you know well or someone you don't know very well, the only rule is to be sincere. I think the things that I suggested under the Bereavement post (what we shouldn't say and what we should say instead) are good guidelines to follow. Honor the person who has passed away and if you want to say you are sorry for their loss, that is acceptable too.

When in doubt, keep it brief. Sometimes it doesn't matter what is said in a note to me because I can feel the person's love for me and I'm grateful they were thinking of me; and it's always better to write something than to think, "oh they wouldn't want to hear from me".

Good luck sweetie, you always know what to say and do, I'm sure it will be perfect!

Top ten email don'ts

Cidco Communications conducted a recent survey to ask people what they thought the most offensive email "transgressions" were. These are great tips for all of us.

1. Forwarding an off color joke
2. Detailing a personal mishap
3. Writing a message in all capital letters (equivalent of shouting)
4. Spreading gossip ( a no no anyway)
5. Discussing personally sensitive issues
6. Criticizing another person
7. Complaining about work or one's boss
8. Using email to dodge discussing difficult issues face-to-face
9. Going into detail about your own or another person's health problems
10. Arguing with family or friends

Another thing that I have found helpful to curb the number of forwards I get, is to simply write an email to everyone saying something like, "Unfortunately, it's impossible for me to read anything but business messages and personal notes, so I'd appreciate it if you would take my name off your jokes list. But I enjoy hearing from you, so please don't hesitate to write!" This makes your point clear without being offensive. The forwards that I do receive end up being notes of inspiration and uplifting stories every now and then, not on a daily basis.

Bereavement

Bereavement- the act of being bereaved: especially the loss of a loved one. Let's talk about how to handle this delicate situation, when this loss has happened to someone you know.


Knowing what to say is a difficult thing, but following the guidelines above gives you a general idea of what to say and what to avoid saying. I think that asking if you can do something specific, or just filling a need without being asked is a good gesture; it is a rare thing that the person grieving will actually call you.

In response to written notes of condolence, there should be a brief note written. It's important to note that the person to whom the note is written (or flowers or gifts are given) does not have to write the note. Delegate that task and have the person writing thank the giver on behalf of the family, that is completely appropriate.

You and you...but not you

So your child is having a birthday party. There are choices as to how to distribute invitations, but the easiest way for most parties (during the school year) is to let them pass out invitations at school. Let's talk about how that can be done minimizing hurt feelings. Let me say that I prefer that my children have the address or at least the phone number of the child they'd like to invite, and then the invites can be mailed.

When passing out invites at school it's important that you sit down with your child and explain what happens when someone whom they know is not invited, how that makes them feel, etc. Then you give them specific instructions that might sound like this, "When you pass out the invitations, do it by yourself maybe during recess, go and find each friend, hand them the invite, and just say 'here is something for you to open when you get home', and then move on to your next friend". This does not mean that their friends will listen to your child, but it gives them the opportunity to do so.

Whenever possible, you could also take your child on a special "date" and drive them to deliver the invitations. I do realize we live in a very busy world where things are spinning so fast for most of us, we barely have time to breathe, but, taking the time out for our children to explain these things to them really does pay off in the end because you are helping them recognize that others have feelings too and asking them how they would wish to be treated were the tables turned...great teaching moment!

To announce or not to announce, that is the question

My mother asked me a question. I think she's just trying to flatter me. Thank you for making my day! This one's for you.


A wedding announcement is to let people know (acquaintances, co-workers, far away friends, etc.) that you are getting married. This is not an invitation. Here are some guidelines for a wedding announcement:

• Send invitations to those whom you wish to attend your wedding.
• Send announcements to those whom you wish to know that you have gotten married (announcements are generally made a day or a few days after the wedding)
  
• It is not acceptable to write "no gifts please" on the wedding announcement, however, the person who receives the announcement is not obligated to send a gift.
• Wedding announcements may have the same paper as invitations, but they may also be on personal stationary, or you may make special cards to announce the marriage.
  
• Always include the year on your announcement so that it's clear to the recipient when the couple was married.
• Never send announcements and invitations to the same person.

Wording for a wedding announcement might be something like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Farnsworth T. Magleby
have the honor of
announcing the marriage of their daughter

Jessica Lane Magleby
to
Mr. Richard Craig Peterson
Saturday, the second of August
two-thousand and eight
Boston, Massachusetts

OR

Mr. and Mrs. Farnsworth T. Magleby
and
Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Dayton Peterson
announce the marriage of
Jessica Lane Magleby
to
Richard Craig Peterson
Saturday, the second of August
two-thousand and eight
Boston, Massachusetts

At home cards: these are sometimes included in wedding invitations and announcements. *This is the answer to the question, "if I don't include cards for my bridal registry, how will they know where to reach me?"

They are generally printed to match the announcement and they are meant to let the person who receives the announcement the address where the couple will reside and the date after which they will be "at home". These cards may be worded like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Peterson
will be at home (or "At Home"- if you prefer)
after the sixteenth of August
1234 Broadway St.
Boston, Massachusetts
(131) 555-1234

If the bride is keeping her own name, then you would say, "Jonathan Peterson and Jessica Magleby will be at home..."

I think announcements are a wonderful way to share the happy news with everyone who is not invited to the wedding. In many cases, the wedding is far away from one person's home, or both with destination weddings happening all the time. When in doubt, send an announcement.

Going to the chapel...

In honor of my younger brother getting engaged this weekend, I have decided to dedicate this week's posts to wedding etiquette. I actually had a question posed to me about a wedding the other day and I thought these posts might be helpful in some different situations. Please accept my apologies if any of this week's posts are offensive or shocking. I am simply guided by traditional etiquette, of course realizing that there are many acceptable forms of behavior for events such as these. Thank you.

RSVP- this is a French abbreviation for Respondez s'il vous plait (Respond if you please- literally translated). This obligates the invitee to accept or decline the invitation. This is not only true of weddings of course, but any time you see this on an invitation or send one out, you should expect a response from the invited parties. There is generally a date given for weddings when the invitee must respond by, this is so the wedding food and other preparations can be made to include you, should you attend. RSVP's should not be optional. I have, for informal events, placed "RSVP- regrets only" to help relieve my guests of the pressure of replying should they choose to come, but this is not usually the case for weddings, especially if there is a dinner or limited seating involved.

Invitation mistakes to avoid:

• Spelling errors- check your list thrice!
• No mention of gifts or listing of gift registries. Also, don't include "No gifts please".
• If you don't want children, don't invite them, the only people invited to the wedding are the persons who's names are listed in the inside envelope- for formal invitations, or on the outside envelope for informal invitations. (It is not accepted to say "No Children" or "Adults only").
  
• Dress notations are not to be included on wedding invitations unless the ceremony and reception are combined. You may however, indicate "Black tie" or "White tie" on the lower right corner of the invitation.
• References to food and drink are not included in the invitations, although food choices may be mentioned on reply cards.

On a personal note: Congratulations to my brother and his sweet fiancee. I love them both dearly and my brother is very special to me, I am thrilled for both of them.

You've got mail!

Written correspondence is a vast topic that I cannot cover in one post (just as "communication" as a topic will be brought up over and over as it is a large category). We've talked about notes of thanks, and today we're going to talk about the "more difficult" correspondence.

I'm going to sidestep the proper form of letter writing today, we can come back to that. Here are some basics for general letter writing:
1. Use phrases typical of your speech. If you have favorite phrases, you may use them. Trying to write differently than you speak will result in your letter sounding nothing like you.
2. Occasionally insert the name of the person to whom you are writing. This makes the letter more familiar and affectionate.
3. Punctuation makes a letter exciting. Underlining a word or using an exclamation point at the end of a sentence can give your letter emphasis where it's needed. Don't overdo; a few of each of the punctuation marks will get your point across without inundating the letter.
4. Don't stop and think too long about how to say something. Go over it in your mind and then write it down, that way it will seem as though you are talking to your friend.
5. Shorter is always better than rambling on. Make your points quickly and then close your letter.

Never start a letter with something negative. I like the rule that if you must say or write something negative, it should be countered by five positives. I'm not good at this in my everyday life, but I strive to be. Emily Post talks about an English professor who said, "Begin at the beginning of what you have to say, go on until you have finished, and then stop". What a brilliant piece of advice; oh how I find myself rambling.

Emily Post says the best letters do the following:

1. Share news and information. Mix good news with bad.
2. Respond to the questions asked by the recipient in his or her letter.
3. Ask about the recipient and or comment on news he or she has shared.
4. Include only information you would be happy to have others see, or see yourself again in fifteen years. This means no idle gossip, no defamatory or unattractive remarks about others. Nothing that would prove embarrassing to you or someone else-letters have a way of resurfacing and/or reaching the hands of others.

How to close:

1. In personal letters it is not necessary to close with "Sincerely". You may use "Love", "All my love", "Love Always", "Thinking of you", or "Fondly" depending on your relationship.

Letters that shouldn't be written:

1. Letters of gloomy apprehension- No purpose is served by needlessly writing about misfortune or unhappiness- even to close family members. This is worrisome and upsetting to those who receive it.
   
2. Letter where if they were to fall into the wrong hands, you would die of embarrassment.
   
3. Angry letters- "Angry in a letter carries with it the effect of solidified fury"-Emily Post. Spoken words may fade way once the cause is forgiven, but the written word lasts forever. If you have feelings of anger to express that cannot happen in a personal setting, write them down on scratch paper and promptly destroy it. My mom always says that if you're not sure about a letter's content, keep it overnight, read it again in the morning, and then decide if you really want to send it (this would be even more true with emails since that send button is very final).

Other kinds of letters:

1. Letters of apology- again, being brief is better than going on and on. Be sincere-think carefully before writing your letter.
2. Thank you letters- we've gone over these.
3. Letters of congratulations- acknowledge the person's accomplishment and close-that's all that is required.
   
4. Letters of condolence- these are too personal to follow a form. The one and only rule for a condolence letter is to say what you truly feel. Say that and nothing else. Sit down as soon as you hear about the death and let your thoughts be with the person you are writing to.
5. Greeting and Get well cards & letters- These would include Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. They should always include a hand written message when possible-no matter how fantastic the printed card is.
   

Phew! That was just personal letters...and I wasn't complete in covering that either, but hopefully this gives you a good point from which to start. I feel these things are most important:

1. When in doubt, hold the letter for 24 hours and re-read it again before sending it (true with emails as well).
2. Say what you feel. Often times we get caught up in other emotions that are not our "true" emotions- but remember, if this is something that has made you angry, save that "primary emotion" and talk with that person face to face if at all possible.
3. To write or not to write- if in doubt, since our correspondence should be positive- Absolutely! Always take that risk and think of yourself on the receiving end of that positive email, card, or letter.

I don't have a question for you today, it's too early! Have a lovely day (and holiday for those of you that celebrate the 24th of July).