Chauvinistic or Chivalrous

Chivalry is not dead!

I came across a great article that embodies what I speak to youth about and what my blog is all about; helping others feel more comfortable.  This article speaks to 8 acts of Chivalry that should be brought back and that it's not about the inability of women to perform these tasks on their own, but out of respect and consideration for someone other than one's self.  

I hope you enjoy this article as much as I did.  As a wife, mama, chauffeur, cook, and all the other titles that come along with my identity, I appreciate this from a man's perspective who is trying to show true respect to women.  I'm not less than, never thought I was, and I always knew I wanted to marry a man who agreed with that and I know that my husband would not only do these things for me (does do them), but will do these things for other women.  I only hope I can raise a son who is just as considerate as his father.

http://jamesmsama.com/2014/02/01/8-acts-of-chivalry-to-bring-back/

Here's another article written in the DailyMail about women accepting men's help.  89% of women say they wouldn't accept a mans help:

Women are suspicious of kind men who open doors for them or offer a coat on a cold day because of a decline in good manners, research has suggested.

Traditional acts of chivalry once thought to be polite and noble are frowned upon in the 21st century because they are so rare.

That means the 'knight in shining armour' persona is an unwanted fantasy now that women strive to be strong and independent.

Style gurus claim 'standards have slipped' in the way men conduct themselves so women are 'suspicious' of gestures once thought to be polite or kind.

A survey said 82 per cent of women preferred to pay for their dinner on a first date and 52 per cent claimed they would happily pay the entire bill.

Men who think women are lumbering heavy shopping bags around should think twice before running to their assistance, because 89 per cent would not accept an offer to help.

And the scene of a considerate lover throwing his coat over the shoulders of a wife or girlfriend seems to be just for Hollywood rom-coms only - a massive 78 per cent said they would not accept the gesture even on a cold day.

Mark Hall, of Socked.co.uk, an online style guide offering tips on etiquette, said: 'Men's standards have slipped so far over recent years.

'Any offer of chivalry from a gentleman knocks a woman off their guard and is viewed with outright suspicion.

'Does an offer of goodwill have to be taken the wrong way?

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2262609/Chivalrous-acts-thought-polite-noble-make-women-suspicious-rare-study-suggests.html#ixzz2ud51Y8V6

We have to be smart ladies.  I carry defense with me at all times and I'm aware of my surroundings, but taking a seat offered to you on a crowded shuttle or allowing a man to open a door for you, who does that hurt?  I believe it only demeans us as women if we feel inferior in the first place or that we have something to prove.  I personally don't and appreciate that there are still gentlemen out there.

A mom of older kids

Today I looked on Facebook.  Not a new thing.  But today I cried as I read a post that so perfectly described what I'm going through.  So when you write to me and tell me you miss my posts about manners, take a moment and read this, it's what I'm going through.

http://www.homesanctuary.com/rachelanne/2014/02/dear-lonely-mom-of-older-kids.html

Are you LDS?

I was on Studio 5 this morning (I will link to the video when it becomes available) but was fascinated not only by the conversation that took place but by the comments afterward on Studio 5's Facebook page.  I was shocked to see how strongly people reacted for or against even talking about this, people saying "get over it", things like that.  

I wonder, if we don't care, why say anything at all?  The only topics I've ever commented on have been ones that I've actually had an opinion about.  The fact that there are comments means that it's something people feel differently about and have differing opinions on.  

My article for this segment was as follows:

Don't Assume:

Just because people live in Utah (or even in a city that is overwhelmingly LDS, don't assume the people you are speaking to are as well.

Don't be afraid:

Ask. Don't make it the first question that you ask after their name or an application they have to fill out to be a part of your life, but at some point in a conversation with someone new, ask them either if they are LDS or if they belong to an organized religion. If it doesn't come up in conversation, go back to rule #1.

Be careful with your words:

Most people have no idea what Mutual is, what a Ward is, or who a Stake President is, let alone all the other terms that may be unique to our religion. Be careful when speaking to people who are not of your faith that you don't use these words without explanation. I do believe this is a part of culture, not just a one day religion, so these words may naturally come up, but don't assume that the other person will know what you mean- so take the time to briefly explain- you might even have them respond with, "I know, I'm LDS" or " I know, I have Mormon friends" thus breaking the ice.

Be respectful and kind:

If the point of manners is to help those around us feel comfortable, then we must do all we can to make that happen. We should never pre-judge a person because they are or are not LDS. My children have friends who are LDS and friends who are not. They have good friends- period. Their friends have good families. Be careful not to exclude on the basis that someone believes different things than you do, whahetever side of the fence you may be on.

I don't think this applies to "Mormons" in Utah only.  This always applies.  I have found myself in as many situations traveling and outside of Utah using this advice as I have in this state (maybe more, in fact).  I find it so interesting that for a dull subject, or one that doesn't need to be spoken about, people have such strong words to share.  

I have never backed down from a conversation where my faith is questioned (in a hostile or a friendly manner), but misconceptions are the biggest enemy and if people don't think they are rampant...they need to open their eyes.  

I'm an open book.  Always have been, always will be.  But I don't believe in shoving my religion or beliefs down others throats.  I also don't believe in tip toeing around things.  I say things pretty much how they are (I say "pretty much" because I may choose a time that is appropriate or gage the temperature of my surroundings, but I think that's good manners no matter who you are or what you're talking about).  

Thank you Brooke, Darin, and Jane (and Chrissy) for allowing me the opportunity to speak my mind.  I have an opinion just like everyone else.  I am entitled to that.  The only thing that makes mine unique is that I come from the perspective of trying to help others feel comfortable in my presence as a presiding factor in how I behave; but anyone who knows me knows that this does not mean I will not stand up for my beliefs at all times, in all things, and in all places.

My two cents

Fancy Friday: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah?

Every year it becomes more and more complicated to wish someone glad tidings during this time of celebration for many cultures.  

I believe we must be sensitive to other's beliefs, however,  December 25th is Christmas for me and my family: a day to commemorate the birth of what Christians believe (as do I- being a Christian) was the day of Christ's birth on this earth; Christ being my Lord and Savior. 

Hanukkah is observed for eight nights and days, starting on the 25th day of Kislev according to the Hebrew calendar, which may occur at any time from late November to late December in the Gregorian calendar.  the Menorah has many symbolic meanings to the Jewish culture that are beautiful and spiritual.

Kwanzaa is a week-long celebration held in the United States (and more recently, Canada). The celebration honors African heritage in African-American culture, and is observed from December 26 to January 1, culminating in a feast and gift-giving.  Much more is said about Kwanzaa here that is profound and meaningful.  

My point in writing this post is to point out that we too easily get offended when one person says to another (perhaps of different beliefs) Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays.  I do not wish to take CHRIST out of Christmas, the very opposite.  This is a time for my family that is very sacred to me, that I love and cherish every year.  

I do realize (for all of you out there reading my blog) that this is an etiquette and manners blog, which is precisely why I am writing it.  I think Emily Post herself would roll over in her grave.  At no such time was there a belief that having good manners meant rolling over and playing dead so someone could walk all over us.  I certainly am tired of doing that and refuse to allow it any further in my life.  Call a spade a spade and lets keep it moving!

The fact that the White House called the Christmas Trees "Holiday Trees" this year is insulting.  The very symbolism of the tree is for Christmas.  Have A Menorah, symbols for Kwanzaa, different symbols for different cultures, but why call them Holiday trees when they are clearly Christmas trees?  Does someone think they are not offending anyone by calling them holiday trees?  I'm sad.  The green nature of the tree represents evergreen- everlasting life- Christ.  Missing the point? 

I simply wonder if we must be so politically correct all the time?  Yes, we do need to help others feel comfortable.  But the other day I was speaking with my husband about a specific ethnic group of people and I couldn't even remember what the newest PC name was to refer to them by.  

We did we become such and offended culture?  One where perhaps when we are in the wrong, we seek fault in another to help ourselves feel better.  My hubs was telling me about a HS basketball game the other day where a team beat another by some extraordinary number (107-2) and people were angry with the winning team for poor sportsmanship. 

We are in an age of entitlement.  I found it, I keep it.  You deserved it.  It's all about me.  I deserve a trophy for showing up.  

I believe this sense of entitlement not only contributes to the moral decay of our society, but prevents people from learning how to treat others kindly, have good manners, and just plain be good members of society.  

Please, during this time of year...no matter what you do or don't believe in; there is a special feeling in the air.  Take time to reflect upon your actions, not the actions of others, and see how you can improve. Respect others and don't worry about being offended so much.  Be proud of what you believe in.  

I find it so sad that we live in a world where someone takes offense in how we greet them during this time of year.  Find joy in the fact that they have beliefs wish them well.  Faith is a blessing, not a curse.

Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Be kind, be charitable, be sincere.

My two cents.

What I'm in charge of...

I was reminded this morning while doing some meditating of wise words that my mother has used time and time again.  She has great one liners, and perhaps one day I will list them all for you (they're precious gems)...but today I just have one.

Don't allow others to determine how you're going to act.  It's a simple concept...we have our own free will, but not always an easy concept to apply.  I have found myself in situations where I've been hurt by others or had something come back to me that a person in my presence currently has said (in a derogatory way) and I've found myself being guarded, cold, and even rude in those situations in order to avoid repeating the same mistake I might have made in the past.  How sad that I've allowed others in the past to determine how I'm going to behave.  I really try to remember these words as well as think of what others who are better than myself would do; but that's not always easy or possible.

I make mistakes, I mess up, I drive with one leg up on the seat...by no means am I perfect.  One thing I do know though, is that I'm super aware of what I have done (especially when I've done it wrong) and I have the opportunity to correct it by not acting that way or saying that thing the next time.

If you feel you should reach out to someone who has given you the cold shoulder (even more than once), then do it.  If you want to apologize for your behavior and make another person aware of it (even if they may not be) then do it.  If you want to wash your hands of someone or a situation, remember that no action comes without consequence, positive or negative.

My two cents

Observations-Fancy Friday

As an etiquette blogger (and a lover of all things manners), I find myself more keenly aware of those around me;  Not in trying to be the manners police or make others feel badly, but just as an observer.
I like to point out when others around me use good manners, especially children.

I heard a 'thank you' the other day from someone who has a difficult time expressing that sentiment.  I was so excited to hear those two simple words, that I stopped, turned around, and said, "thank you for saying thank you-what nice manners".  I was so thrilled to have heard this and didn't expect to hear it again, but hoped I would.  In pointing out the good that others do, we reinforce positive behavior.  I am a believer that you'll find what you're looking for...so look for the good and you'll find it.

My two cents

A woman of strength- Fancy Friday (or not so fancy)

I had a very touching and tender conversation the other day with a close friend, who's been there for me through a lot...and we've known each other for 8 years and change.  After our conversation (which always picks up where we last left off...the best kind), she sent me this email.  You may have seen it, but I think it is poignant and pertinent in my life as well as the lives of women in general.  I hope and strive to be a woman of strength.  Thank you Jenn.

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape…A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything …but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear…A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her …but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone…A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future…a woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be God’s blessings and capitalizes on them…A strong woman walks sure footedly …but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls…A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face …but a woman of strength wears grace…A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey …but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong…

A guide to using Facebook in a politically correct way

Over the past three plus years I have used Facebook as a way to reconnect with friends, keep in touch with people in my life, and share things that are personal to me in a convenient way; as well as to further my exposure to my blog.  I think most people would agree that Facebook makes things easy for you to share...but maybe too easy?

I did a segment a while back on Studio 5 that talked about "Facebook Etiquette" but in an ever-changing social media climate, things become obsolete very quickly, however, having good manners doesn't- which makes my job a little easier.

A few tips on "Facebook Etiquette" if we can call it that (WARNING- opinions follow- not rules):

• Be careful who you friend.  A vast majority of people out there have good intentions, but some don't, so have a guideline.  Mine is that I must have met them face to face and they must have been (or are currently) a part of my life somehow.  You don't have to accept every friend request you get- be selective.
• Everything can be shared.  Even with the best of intentions and privacy settings, if a friend chooses to share something that they have access to on your wall, you can't control it.  Bottom line is that you only have control over yourself.
• Be genuine but don't over share.  It's easy to write things on the end of a phone or computer when we don't have a physical audience of 600 people (or whatever your reach is on your FB profile).  When sharing something, be aware that people can see it, people can talk about it, people can (and probably will) judge it- it's just the way our society works (unfortunately to some degree).  There is nothing wrong with being genuine and sharing, but before you post- think to yourself, "is this an over share?"
• Pictures can be copied.  In my experience, this came back to me in a very real way (one that I got a great laugh out of though).  I had a friend print a pic of me from Facebook and use it in a white elephant gift exchange for a party I had.  It was cleverly done and one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen (helps that my husband's business partner was the one to open the photograph), however be aware that your photos can be downloaded and copied and you have no control over that once you've shared it.
• Remember that many businesses will look at your Facebook profile when considering whether to hire you or not.  If you've chosen to have business associates on your Facebook page then be aware that they have a peek into your life.
• Change is something to be aware of.  Facebook is always changing things, their newest change was to "Timeline" which I thought would be so great.  I could have a cover photo that was more unique and still have a profile pic that showed my face; but- I quickly realized that even with my privacy settings controlled to friends only, Facebook had allowed everything from the time I switched to it's new layout onward to be public- regardless of my settings.  Scary!
• To delete is permanent.  Again, being behind a computer screen or phone can give us courage that we wouldn't have in real life.  There are many reasons to delete people from our friend list, but be aware that they will know you've done it at some point or another most likely.  It's hurtful to the person who is deleted (having gone through it myself).  I've also been on the other end of deleting- but I try to be careful and have even apologized for it.  Like I said before, there are many valid reasons to remove people from your friend list, but think before acting.

It think that last point has been my main thought; THINK BEFORE ACTING.  It's all too easy to press a button and put something out there that isn't meant to be shared.  We can allow friends and family into our lives and experience the ups and downs with them- but use some restraint...please!  I've seen it happen to celebrities, business associates, and friends.  It's never too late to learn something new.  

Tips for a Happy Turkey Day

We are all busy today either making dishes, traveling, or spending time with loved ones.  It's a time to be grateful for what we have.  In reflecting upon the things we do have, we can also be aware of how we can make those around us the happiest and be as considerate as possible during this busy holiday season.

-consider your dress.  If you are attending someone's home, step it up a notch, it shows respect for your host letting them know that you appreciate all the effort they went to on your behalf.

-Say thanks.  Of course we will all say this during the meal, after, many times perhaps.  But remembering to write a note, a text (if you must-at the least) or a phone call after the fact to let them know how much you appreciate all the work they went to, is so appreciated and thoughtful.

-Be punctual.  Arrive and leave on time.  When your host tells you the time to arrive, pay attention and respect it.  There is a reason they have told you that time and it shows respect to be punctual.  We all run into traffic, snags with family, work, etc.  But if you do, call to let them know you are running behind and that you will be there shortly.  Know when it's time to leave.  If you are staying at your hosts home, agree ahead of time when you will be leaving and don't overstay your welcome, no matter how badly your host begs...there's always next time.  It's better to be wanted than to overstay your welcome.

-Avoid awkward and painful topics- especially in families.  This isn't family therapy.  It's not the time to talk about how you wish mom hadn't worked when you were little.  It's a time to talk about what you're grateful for and leave your problems at the door with your coat.  Pick another time to talk about things that are heavy, group gatherings are not the time.

-Offer to help clean up.  Most of the time the host has gone to a lot of work to prepare; cleaning, cooking, etc.  Offer to pitch in and do some dishes.  Roll up your sleeves and dig in.

FOR THE HOST:

-Assign tasks.  Don't be afraid to ask people to bring something.  Or if you are cooking the meal yourself, have your guests help with taking coats, setting the table, lighting candles, last minute details.

-Leave distractions in your room or office.  This is not the time to text or have the game on.  Turn off the TV and FB.  Be the gracious host I know you can be and enjoy the guests you have invited over, sit down, be engaging, ask more questions and listen more than you talk.

-Be aware and flexible.  If you are inviting a larger group of people and someone says, "I would come but Jim is spending the holiday alone."- say, "well bring him with you!"  Be gracious, it never hurts to invite one more, but you will always regret not doing so.

-Say thank you.  Your guests if you look around, are your loved ones.  Thank them for taking the time and effort to come and share time with you and loving you.  Always thank them.

-Have a flexible menu.  You may have gluten free requests, people who want to bring things even when you have the entire menu planned.  Be prepared to allow for those things and don't be so stringent.  Accept all offers for special diet accommodations.


Above all the holidays are a time to celebrate, to forgive, to come together.  I personally am not one who likes to hold grudges, have arguments that I cannot resolve, or problems that I cannot fix.  I love the feeling of peace and joy that the holiday season brings knowing that I can come together with as many loved ones who will have me and celebrate all that we have to be grateful for.

I hope that this holiday season brings all of you the same peace and joy and I look forward to bringing you some more fun tidbits here and there as the months continue.

My two cents.

Are good manners passé?

I came across the most fascinating article this morning in the NY Times that discusses a case where two gentlemen were sitting in a bar and two ladies were standing (no seats available).  The employees asked the gentlemen to give up their seats to the ladies and one of the men was upset about being asked to give up his seat to a woman and took the case to court.  I would love for you to read this article...but I am curious as to your views on this subject.

The article goes into further speculation as to why manners could be on the decline.  Family dinners are less frequent, our world is more fast-paced, manners are insincere, etc.  I found these arguments to be most intriguing as my philosophy has always been that good manners can make others feel comfortable (when I'm doing it right-which I don't always accomplish) and don't alienate others or come across as insincere.

I do believe that teaching the next generation good manners and etiquette comes more from an example than from what we preach.  As most parents can attest, our children learn best from our actions and mimic what we do, not what we say we will do.  I personally think that we do live in a disrespectful world where manners and good taste have become eroded, where Beavis and Butthead have made a comeback by popular demand?  Seriously?  If that is any indication of the level of taste or class that we are accepting into our homes, then yes, I can see how manners would take a back seat in homes very quickly and respect would fly right out the window.

In a world where Sponge Bob rules (not that he hasn't gotten a giggle out of me...) it doesn't surprise me that our children speak disrespectfully to us and that we aren't too terribly shocked by it, or are even amused by it (although we have to take things with a grain of salt or else we'd go nuts as parents- I DO have a sense of humor people).

I guess my point is that I don't believe that manners come and go like the tide.  I believe they are like values.  I believe they are a constant in a person's life and make up part of their integrity.  Some of the comments in the article suggest that manners can be surface, and perhaps sometimes, holding back a comment or not honking the horn could be seen as "not being yourself" which is drilled into our heads that we must do in todays society to find our happiness, but what about self control?  What about restraint?  When do we learn those things?  Consideration for others?  I submit that these are crucial lessons that our future generation must learn and must learn early if they are to be successful and truly joyful.

Be mine!

My top 10 for a happy relationship/marriage (remember, these are just my top 10- they don't have to be yours- and in no particular order):

1. Don't sweat the small stuff
2. Always concentrate on the positive (you'll find what you're looking for)
3. Don't let others determine how you are going to act/who you are going to be (not just your significant other, but others outside your relationship who could be affecting it)
4. Always give 110% and don't expect it in return (and if we have a good one, we'll get it)
5. Respect each other- don't ever say anything negative about your significant other
6. Try and keep a happy home and positive environment for them to come home to (and us)
7. Don't discuss anything important after 10pm. If you find yourself getting in a tiff- look at the clock and cut it off- things are truly always better in the morning
8. Remember that you two were first in the family (whether you have kids or not really) and nurture that relationship- that's weekly date night for us and getaways often.
9. Quitting is not an option
10. Love Love LOVE with all your heart, might, mind, and strength

Happy Valentine's day!