Today on Studio 5...

Thanks for the emails and compliments on my outfit!  The necklace and T are J Crew.  You guys are the best ever!  For those who don't understand, I offer customizable etiquette and manners courses designed to help you in business, school, social situations, family, etc.  Please email me with inquiries:  thepinkteapot [at] gmail [dot] com

Loves!

The art of conversation

con·ver·sa·tion

ˌkänvərˈsāSHən/

noun

1.                                              the informal exchange of ideas by spoken words.

I recently chatted with Brooke Walker from KSL's Studio 5 while she was on KBYU radio (also Sirius XM radio channel 143) filling in for Matt Townsend.  It was fun to chat with her (love her and consider her a friend) and it's also led to an invitation to come chat with Matt on a regular basis to discuss manners and etiquette; I even got a real phone call with a question (other than the one from my mother-she's so cute).  To the point, my chat with Brooke was about the art of conversation and how to keep it going or start it without being superficial or too deep.

Here's what we talked about:

1.  Be genuinely interested in the person to whom you are speaking
- no matter what you're asking, make sure are sincere and that will be perceived hopefully by the other party.

2. All conversations are give and take.  Don't interview and don't be interviewed. 
- After you are asked a question about yourself, answer it and then perhaps ask a question back to show interest in the other person.

3. Always be your best self, we want to see it all, but not all at once.
- it's always great to talk about interesting things going on in the world such as politics or religion, but these topics can often be personal and even volatile at times.  Try to be your real self while keeping the focus on neutral topics such as career, traveling, etc.

4. Just because you're different doesn't mean you have nothing in common.
- If something comes up that creates a divide or where you don't see eye to eye with the other person, build on some point of commonality, finding the positive in their response.

5. It's called "The art of conversation" for a reason- it takes time, practice, and lots of patience, but it will pay off if you do those things.

5 conversation starters:

Ask a question, for example: What do you do? What brings you here today? What have you been up to lately?  What do you have going on this next week?

2. Pay a compliment (a sincere one):  Notice something about the person that you like, this can be a quality or even something as simple as what they are wearing or how they did their hair (for women especially).  

3. Use a surrounding object as an anchor:  (A. at an event- "the speaker before lunch was so fascinating.  I didn't realize there were so many things to do in New Zealand", B. at a social gathering, "this is such a beautiful location, I've never been here before, have you?" C. Waiting in line to order food, "I love the buffalo chicken here but I haven't tried any other sauces.  Have you ever tried (insert name of different foods here)?"  

4. Ask for help or advice.  This puts you in a passive role which can be very helpful at times when you feel like your questions aren't being answered.  Asking someone for advice helps them feel valued, this is a great way to rescue a crashing conversation.  You must be observant and know on which subjects they feel they are knowledgeable.  

5. Share something about yourself.  This also puts you in a vulnerable position, but a genuine one.  I'd always choose to be genuine than superficial, it's much more gratifying.  

Just last night I was grabbing a drink for my daughter at a fast food restaurant and as a lady and I were both standing by the drink machine waiting for our orders, she casually mentioned that "orange Fanta" was at the fast food establishment in Italy on the military base there.  I responded that I didn't know they even had such a restaurant in Italy.  I then shared that through my travels in Europe, I always ran into Orangina and was that the same thing as their "fanta"?  She explained that it tasted quite different and I responded with how fascinated I was by the fact that they had such seemingly obscure restaurants in Europe and she went on to name several restaurant chains that she had visited all over the world and I asked if the menus varied or the taste...it went on like that until my food was ready and I wished her a pleasant evening.  

Conversations are a basic human interaction that can feed or drain us.  Even for those introverts out there, it can be an interesting experience and you never know what you can learn in just a few minutes with someone, and perhaps you made their day or they made yours...or better yet, both.

It was a blast to have such a casual forum in which to speak and not be pressed for time.  I love doing segments on Studio 5, this was just different, and a nice change.  

I hope this helps you feel more comfortable starting a conversation or helps you keep those awkward moments during a convo to a minimum.  

Have a great week.  

Janine

Customer (UN)satisfaction

I love getting those surveys that talk about customer satisfaction and I stay up way too late to make sure and fill them out because I should be sleeping, but someone has to.  It's my duty, isn't it?  Well it should be someones!

My parents have often told me I'd be a great secret shopper or critic- not because I'm mean but because I have a sense of what should be, what works and what doesn't, and in the food arena, I just love good food, but that's another blog entirely that I will never get to write (never say never-another thing my mother says).

The other day, I ordered some last minute outfits for my two youngest girls for their first day of school. I am not an "in-the-store" shopper when it comes to my kids if it can be avoided (for me it's an entirely different story).  If it's a special occasion for my kids, it's a blast.  If it's for massive amounts of school clothes with a markdown, FOR-GET-IT (can I hyphenate that?)!  Especially here in Utah where everyone has multiple children (exaggeration but it feels that way) and people are willing to fight over a Gymboree sale (or any sale and it can get UGLY)...I'd rather shop online (or out of state). My older two were taken care of, but my littles had still not picked out their first day of school outfits and time was running out.  I knew I'd have to pay overnight shipping at this point but I knew I could get it done.  I placed my order (just under the gun) and relaxed as I felt with confidence that my order would arrive the day before school (arrive on Monday, school started Tuesday, placed the order on the previous Friday incidentally at 9:46amMT-important deets for later).

Monday came, as did many, many, many packages, school supplies flew through the air, boxes were everywhere, clothes were tried on, Cayden's shirts (purchased at www.roadkilltshirts.com which I'm not recommending necessarily because some of their shirts are vulgar and I had to get to the actual pages of the shirts I liked before C could even see the them however they are REALLY FUNNY...breathe) were laughed out loud at, not one but two back to school nights were attended but still no package.  My FEDEX man was outraged (well maybe not but having been to my house he knew I was but still loves me) and the day had passed with no first day of school outfits for two cute little girls.  Now, were they any less cute on the first day of school?  Of course not!  But, were they a bit deflated?  Yes.  They handle disappointment well.  I am, after all, their mother.

I called Gymboree the next morning after I took their pictures and send all my babies to High School (had him when I was 12), Jr High, and elementary school.  I was thrilled to get someone on the other end who obviously was (not) well versed in Gymboree's shipping policies; which are as follows:

All orders received prior to 12 p.m. (noon) ET, Monday through Friday, are processed the same day upon credit card validation, and delivered via Fed Ex the following business day before 3:00 p.m. Business days are Monday through Friday, excluding Holidays. Orders placed after 12 p.m. (noon) ET on Fridays will ship out on Monday, pending credit card validation (unless Monday is a Holiday). Next Business Day Delivery is limited in select areas. For details on service locations, visit FedEx.com. Next Business Day Delivery is not available for shipments to P.O. Boxes, AK, HI, APO/FPO addresses or U.S. Territories.

The part she kept repeating was, "Orders placed after 12pm (noon) ET on Fridays will ship out on Monday, pending credit card validation (unless Monday is a Holiday)."  She was explaining that they used Friday as a processing day in my case and that they were well within their rights since I placed my order ON A FRIDAY.  I kindly (as kindly as I could muster) asked to speak to a supervisor several times which she denied me the opportunity of doing.  She said their policy stated that orders placed Monday through Thursday before Noon ET would go out that day....but Friday didn't count.  I wondered why.  She placed me on hold several times.  Finally after a 20 minute conversation and holds with this representative and her apparent frustration with me (and mine with her), she came back on the line and said, "we are going to refund your next day shipping as a courtesy because you're so upset."  I said, "wait...I don't want it refunded if I made a mistake, but as far as I can tell, 9:46amMT is 11:46amET, and I got the confirmation email and my card had already been debited, so obviously it wasn't a card issue...but if I'm wrong, I don't want you to refund my shipping.  I only want it refunded if there has been a mistake, which you keep saying there has not been.  You have spent the last 20 minutes telling me there has not been."  

She simply told me the refund would appear on my card within the next 30-60 days (thanks) and I was (emptily) told to have a nice day.  BTW- true to my Pink Teapot self, no yelling or rude behavior took place, I just wanted to understand why my package wasn't shipped and why they refused, absolutely refused to take responsibility or even apologize for the inconvenience.  (Are you guys still with me?)

So, at the risk of making this a REALLY long post (and yes, I know I'm breaking my own rules by using all caps, but rules are made to be broken today).  

I bought a brand new iPhone two months ago and along with it I bought the cutest C.Wonder case for like 35.00 at the Apple store.  I have taken the case off 3 times exactly at the behest of Apple customer service to see if it improved my microphone (peeps keep saying they can't hear me very well).  I went to put it back on today and it is broken in two places.  I called C. Wonder and not only did the rep cut me off (C. Wonder, not Apple), she told me that it wasn't her problem, it was Apple's because that's where I bought it.  She said (in a condescending tone like when you're speaking to a stupid person), "You know how when you buy something and it's defective?  You always take it back to the store...you never contact the manufacturer."  Oh really? Now I know that's true sometimes, but not always and InCase (another brand of cases for iPhones sold at the Apple store) has replaced Cord's cases several times even after like 2 years.  They back up their product- That's a company!  I contact manufacturers all the time.  Samsung, Apple, Michael Kors,Vitamix (I'm looking around but you get the idea).  It's the manufacturer's responsibility to make sure their product isn't defective and I've had the case for less than two months and it's clearly defective!  I was thrilled with the level of devotion from her. 

This all comes back to manners people.  They are not being taught in the home and so why would people use them in their workplace when they are not being used at home.  Why would one respect another in the workplace when they don't do it in the home?  Fundamental principles.  I don't care what kind of family unit you have, these things are not passé, they are not outdated, they are crucial.  We say to our son all the time that we are teaching him what respect is and that he can figure out what respect means to him when he leaves our home, but that when he doesn't have the respect to call us when he's late for curfew causing our worry, there are consequences.  That can change when he may have no one to answer to, although his boss may feel the same way as we do.  It's so basic and yet it takes far more work and follow through than just letting people do whatever they want.  

We are seeing the affects of a generation that has been allowed to do what they want (a general statement, of course there are so many wonderful people out there, but this is becoming or has become an epidemic).

What do I mean?

My Madelyn woke up this morning and stated that snow hated her and that it was meant for January, not MAY!  She very emphatically stated that she was ready for Summer; she's not alone in that sentiment.

Like one of my followers (and friends) said this morning, "It's May, time for @thepinkteapot to blog..."

I appreciate being missed.  I didn't realize it had been a month since I last posted, but it's been a crazy month with Spring break, family issues, and just LIFE.  

I am excited for the warm weather, for the pool to be opened (hopefully this week...sans snow), and for the kids to be out of school (although I don't know that I am as excited as they are).  

My next segment for KSL has to do with Summer and family.  I am curious and will be asking for input on my FB fan page.

I am dancing around a subject here, actually running away from it.  I find this blog to be cathartic in many ways and feel that this is a venue where I may share whatever I deem appropriate.  

I will not go into details for privacy's sake...but suffice it to say that I had a health scare with someone close to me.  My initial reaction (before going to be by their side in another state) was to post something simple on FB asking for prayers.  I believe in the power of prayer. 

Five minutes later I got a call from someone else close to this person (but with no greater say in caring for or nurturing this person) telling me to take down the post, it was too private and/or too soon to say anything.  I respect and love this person and did what was asked.  After, not very long after, I consulted my wise husband.  He told me that in this case, prayers and a general note was in order (and he's never on FB and is very private).  I felt the same way; power in numbers.  Blessings came from that five minutes and I believe this loved one was helped and blessed in part due to my gift of over-sharing. 

The part I resented was being told what I could and could not post on FB that directly affects my life.  Other people's business is other people's business- but this was mine.  I ended up asking the loved one who was ill if they had a problem with my post; they did not at all and appreciated the effort.

 Instead of being angry that perhaps some micromanaging had taken place (and some dominion that was unnecessary and inappropriate), I had allowed it.  

I shortly after that chose to assert myself and let that person know how I felt about things like that in general.  In this particular case, my FB rule still applies: if you wouldn't tell it to an acquaintance, don't tell it on FB.  This is something I would tell an acquaintance, and have, and since I'm the etiquette blogger (although not an expert)- I might know what I'm talking about sometimes.  I still have the right to be my own person and make my own decisions as an adult and be treated with respect.

Taking down that post was frustrating and I felt belittled and scolded.  I chose to feel that way.  No one can make me feel inferior without my consent; and I gave it.

In the end, I will remember to stand up for what I believe is right, regardless of what others may say or do; that's integrity and courage.  It's important to remind ourselves that we have those qualities or the potential to develop them as we strive to stand our ground.  We need not be aggressive, but being assertive is the right thing to do.  I have enough passive agressive people in my life...I won't be another one.

Forgiveness begins with me

I have a firm belief that we are the kindest to those around us (generally speaking) whom we do not know well.  "Put your game face on", "Protect yourself".  I believe it's about self-preservation as well as insecurity as to what others might think of us.

I have found in the last 17 years though being a wife and a parent that the ones who matter most are the ones we are closest to.  We do not choose our blood relatives, but when it comes down to the wire, blood really is thicker than water.  I realize by breaching this topic, others may not agree and have chosen "alternative families".  I am not judging or condemning that.  I am simply stating that kindness begins with us and those who reside in our inner circle.  If we are unkind to family members, how genuine is our kindness to others?  I find it difficult sometimes to be kind every second of every hour of every day to my family because they are always around.

I think forgiveness on our part is something everyone is worthy of.  But we must practice it with those closest to us so that we can extend that great love to others.

We tend to be the harshest and most judgmental about our family members; knowing their weaknesses, seeing them often, perhaps blaming them for our character flaws because we are related to them and there may be past wounds that have yet to heal.

I believe that if we cannot truly forgive our family, we will have a much more difficult time forgiving others.

I simply ask and challenge you to have the courage to forgive those around you.  This begins with an honest look at what part you may have played in contributing to the (perhaps) fragile state of your relationship.  There are always three sides to every story: My side, your side, and the truth.  We all live in some form of altered reality and tell ourselves what we want to hear.

There are people I have absolutely no desire to allow into my life because of past experiences, but if I allow hatred, bitterness, or anger to dictate my actions, I am the one who pays the ultimate price.

Try to fix what you can: first in your own family relationships, then branching out to others.  When we have wronged someone, we should be honest about it.  I've always said that just because you've been hit by a train, doesn't mean you have to stand on the tracks waiting for it to happen again, but does that mean that if we see that same person who ran us over on those tracks, we should not try and help?  I believe true forgiveness is honesty, clarity, and compassion; even empathy.

You may not have the chance for closure on past relationships, but knowing you've done all you can and that you have truly forgiven: you are absolved and it no longer has anything to do with you.

Our biggest mistake (especially as women- but across the board) is holding on to what others have done and not accepting responsibility freely for our part.  I believe that in only concentrating on our part in a falling out, a hurt, a judgement, we have absolved ourselves of any wrong doing (in our heads).

We also justify our anger by blaming others for what they have done to us.  This is merely deflection and has no barring on our ability to forgive and move forward.

I think we have three main reasons we are angry at others:

1. They did something valid that hurt us or a loved one.
2. They did something that perhaps reminds us of past or current weaknesses in our own lives and deflecting that onto someone else is easier than dealing with the fact that we are not perfect.
3. We so badly want to believe we have done "the lesser wrong" and hold on to that anger in order to justify our own behavior.

Forgiveness is not easy.  Pride gets in our way too often; and so do other people.  We listen to idle gossip, we participate in it, we blame others for our own mistakes, we lie to ourselves justifying our own behavior, and on and on.

Being with my family this week helped me realize that it's the most difficult to be the kindest and most forgiving of those closest to us.  Have I been hurt?  Of course.  Does that mean I cannot forgive?  Absolutely not.  Am I to blame if I cannot forgive or hold a grudge?  Yes.  Is it my responsibility to try my upmost to right a wrong?  Without question.

Forgiveness is about us (and I personally believe that my Savior- Jesus Christ has a huge part in giving my anguish to Him).  Forgiveness doesn't have to be a two-way street, but we must be sure that our path is clear and no hazards lie in our way of letting things go.

Forgiveness is a choice, just like every other thing we deal with in life.  I am not saying that depression, homosexuality, addiction, illness, or any of the other things we deal with as human beings are choices...but how we deal with those things in our lives is a choice.  We can either have a positive attitude or a negative one.  That IS our choice.  Agency is a huge part of our accountability.  We can make our own choices.  We can CHOOSE to react with negativity or with kindness.

I grow weary of the plight: you hurt me and my anger is justified.  Seriously?  There comes a time when everyone must drop it, let it go, give it to the Savior, whatever your process is so that it no longer weighs you down into the gulf of misery and endless woe.

I truly believe "justified anger" is a tool that is used to bog us down.  We can either lift the weight, or keep it on top of us crying that this huge weight is there and that's why we are bitter, angry, vengeful, and all sorts of other things.

I will simply conclude with a short experience (yep- putting something very personal out there).  I was viciously attacked by someone with no courage.  They attempted to cause discord, ruin my reputation and standing, and who knows what else.  I cannot begin to imagine the kind of darkness that must dwell in the heart of the person who attacked my character.  I was most fortunate to have a very supportive family as well as supportive people who were the recipients of this "attack".  I put it in quotes because really, it was desperate.  It was vengeful.  That affects their hearts in the end, but it doesn't have to affect mine.  Unqualified accusations and attacks on my character make me sad.  But I am even more saddened by whomever would choose to go to such great lengths to "try" and ruin my reputation as a blogger, a mother, a wife, a person.

Whoever you are...I forgive you.  My heart truly breaks for your anger and sorrow.  Your attempts to try and ruin anything in my life were futile and unfounded.  I pray for you.  I truly cannot understand such vindictiveness; it's truly beyond my comprehension.  Perhaps, one day, if I have chosen the wrong path, I will be able to have empathy, but as of now I only have sympathy for your desperate actions.

Forgiveness begins with me and ends with me.  I will always love.  I do not hate one person in this world.  I may disagree, be a little sore from wounds inflicted, or wander with a lack of understanding; but I am truly grateful that HATE does not reside in my heart and pray it never will.

My two cents

The message gets lost in the text...

I have posted almost 200 times and still have so much to learn.  It seems the more I learn, the less I know.  I had an interesting experience that I will vaguely share with you in hopes of saving you what my humanity cost me.

I texted someone in hopes of opening a dialogue.  It was a more serious text (faux pas #1- It should have been a phone call).  When I received a text back that was less than cordial, I responded with what I thought was a rational, non emotional text (faux pas #2- should have called or shouldn't have responded at all).  The final blow came when the incoming message was a personal (and professional) attack having little to do with my original message and quite frankly was very rude.  THEN I tried to call?!  Didn't work.  Too little. too late.  

I say over and over that I am not an etiquette or manners expert.  What is an expert?  The dictionary defines an expert as: a person who has a comprehensive and authoritative knowledge of or skill in a particular area.   Well okay.  I have comprehensive knowledge in the particular area of etiquette and manners.  However, I am flawed, make mistakes and faux paus like everyone else;  except it seems I am judged more harshly because I am an "etiquette expert" or "etiquette blogger."  Does this make me perfect?

My conundrum is that although I made a poor choice (or three), I am still a human being.  We all are.  Human beings need to communicate with their voices using tone and inflection.  This is very difficult to do via text or email.  Never end anything or say anything important via written communication.  We do not live in the 1800's when this was the only form of communication available and interpretation was up to the reader.  We have beautiful technology that allows us to communicate with our actual voices!

I had an experience once where someone basically told me off via text (I guess this one makes 2) and it's gut wrenching to feel that this person cannot even speak to you on the phone and communicate.  Try to never perpetuate the "textversation"(oooh- I think I'm coining that).  If it seems that a written communication is getting heated, pick up the phone and call, or better yet, start out with a phone call.  

  I don't love everybody and not everybody loves me.  I am okay with that.  I haven't always been okay with that.  I am glad I am now.  I would feel badly however if others couldn't learn from my fortunes and mishaps.  

I'm grateful I'm flawed and mess up (and try to be real about it).  I'm grateful I have the opportunity to improve.  I'm grateful most of all to those of you who know my heart and would understand exactly what I meant through a text.  Those people are priceless to me.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally.  Conditional love is just a waste of time.

Think before you hit send.

Cell phone manners

I wasn't aware (shamefully) that July among other things, is National Cell Phone Courtesy month.  Who knew?  KSL did their homework and was aware of this and asked me to pop on to their morning show to talk about using our manners with cell phone in hand (or sometimes not in hand).

Here is the link to the video interview which is a lot simpler sometimes than reading my lengthy posts.  I tend to impart a lot of information when I get excited about topics and TV is a good way for me to trim down the 'fat' if you will.

I hope you enjoy and I am enjoying the Summer with my family and seem to always be a little more inconsistent than usual in posting during the Summer months.  Forgive me, follow me on Twitter (140 characters is a good way for me to get the point across quickly), and Like my Facebook page (I update that often as well).  I love the blog and the soap box format it gives me to express my opinions, but with the segment on Studio 5 (a lot of links huh today huh), Facebook, Twitter, and last but certainly not least- my cute family; I get inundated with technology and sometimes have to take a break.

Here's to hoping you enjoy your Summer as well.  Off I go to lounge by the pool and pretend that my laundry doesn't need to be done!

P.S.  thought this pic was hilarious!!  Don't we all wish that some people would get into their own private "cell phone booth" once in a while?  TMI!

My two cents

Another "Momism"

I'm grateful for the things my mother has taught me.  I often think about one of her other one-liners and it became particularly pertinent (I love alliteration) a few months ago.  Makes me think of a poem I learned in 8th grade History (Mr. Everrett). 

Procrastination is a crime, it only leads to sorrow

I can stop at anytime, I think I will tomorrow. 

Back to my subject- she says, "What good is going to come from this?" in reference to our pending actions or in thinking about what we are about to do.  I think it's a great way to gauge what we should and shouldn't be saying, doing, thinking.  


I had a long post written for this topic and after reviewing it, found it to be preachy and redundant.  The bottom line is- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  If it's hurtful and mean- stop it!  If it's just negative and rude- stop it!  There is just too much meanness, pride, hatefulness, idle gossip, judgment going on in the world...do we really need to be a part of it too?  


I am far from perfect and have done every one of these things I've mentioned.  I am constantly trying to do better and be better.  I feel that one of my strengths (as my mother who has known me for 34 years has pointed out- thanks mom) is that I don't have malicious intentions.  The things I do are NOT to climb socially, get others to like me, or to hurt others.  I do what I do (the good things at least) out of love- and the not-so-good things I do...mostly come from a lack of understanding or a weak moment.  


I often think of the scripture, "...he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." (John 8:7).  This was speaking about a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery and the law of Moses (was being fulfilled or changed when Christ was on the earth) but nonetheless required that she be stoned to death.  I love this story because I have found myself being like that woman.  Not worthy of forgiveness, but grateful for it.  The one thing I find repulsive though is insincerity.  If you don't mean it, don't say it, don't do it.  


How sad that we live in a world where we would rather step on someone-pushing them down- in order to get a leg up.  Is that really going to do us any good in the long run or is it (like my mom says) just going to leave a lot of dead bodies in our past.  


Something to think about.  Something I'm grateful to ponder and be better about.  Negativity (and even apathy) should have no place in our hearts.  That's not what we're here for.  


My two cents

What I'm in charge of...

I was reminded this morning while doing some meditating of wise words that my mother has used time and time again.  She has great one liners, and perhaps one day I will list them all for you (they're precious gems)...but today I just have one.

Don't allow others to determine how you're going to act.  It's a simple concept...we have our own free will, but not always an easy concept to apply.  I have found myself in situations where I've been hurt by others or had something come back to me that a person in my presence currently has said (in a derogatory way) and I've found myself being guarded, cold, and even rude in those situations in order to avoid repeating the same mistake I might have made in the past.  How sad that I've allowed others in the past to determine how I'm going to behave.  I really try to remember these words as well as think of what others who are better than myself would do; but that's not always easy or possible.

I make mistakes, I mess up, I drive with one leg up on the seat...by no means am I perfect.  One thing I do know though, is that I'm super aware of what I have done (especially when I've done it wrong) and I have the opportunity to correct it by not acting that way or saying that thing the next time.

If you feel you should reach out to someone who has given you the cold shoulder (even more than once), then do it.  If you want to apologize for your behavior and make another person aware of it (even if they may not be) then do it.  If you want to wash your hands of someone or a situation, remember that no action comes without consequence, positive or negative.

My two cents

You son of a gun!

In my teens, I had made myself a promise that I wasn't going to use swear words as a part of my vocabulary.  I remembered thinking that it dulled my senses, made me feel badly, and that it might appear to others that I didn't have the expansive vocabulary to properly express myself (which- lets face it- if you know me...I never have a shortage of words to use).  I kept that promise....until recently.

In the last year or so, I have found that when listening to people around me, it becomes difficult to shun those words from my mind...and once they're in your mind, it's not a far travel to your mouth.  My mom and dad used swear words when I was growing up- I never thought they didn't know how to communicate, this was just common place...but the bottom line is that your children will do what you do, not what you say.


My husband recently expressed (again) that he preferred I use my love of words to express my feelings, without using profanity.  I think that was a pivotal moment for me- I realized that no matter how justified I felt at the time, it made others around me (or had the potential of making others around me) uncomfortable.

I don't think this has anything to do with culture, religion, or creed.  I think it simply has to do with what is considered a swear word and as one wise woman in my neighborhood said, "if it goes in the toilet, it doesn't belong in your mouth." She specifically was referring to the word 'crap' and other words weren't an appropriate substitution for profanity in her opinion.

What I've learned is that I make mistakes (not a new lesson) but that people will love me anyway- however, I will gain more respect from those around me (or they may maintain their respect for me) if I  search my brain for the exact word that I want to use when expressing an opinion, frustration, joy, hurt, or any other emotion I might want to convey.

I did some research on this topic.  I will include a link here to some Op-Ed articles in the NY Times about profanity that are an interesting read.  I read several other papers and theories on this subject.  Many used the expletives within their article (counterproductive for my post) so I chose to leave the search to you.

My main point in writing this is to share that I truly believe, whether you have a friend who curses and you picked it up, our you just like to do it because...It does have an affect on those around you and can make others feel very uncomfortable; the ironic thing about my nasty little habit is that the person whom I had spent so much time with (who swore), was trying to stop, and by swearing myself, I was making that person uncomfortable.  I never imagined that their level of comfort (especially since they brought it around me) would be so contingent on my using appropriate language.  Side note:  They have never said this to me...it's just how I know they feel.

You never know how others view you...and I feel like what other people think about me is none of my business.  I mostly feel that way because I can't change anyone else, I can only change myself (and if they want to know who I really am, they can always ask).  I would never want to change anyone...whether you have a potty mouth or not, It's not my business.  My business is to let you know that it does affect how others perceive you and possibly their level of comfort in your presence.

Emily Post felt (well really Peggy Post feels) that one of the top 12 rudest behaviors include swearing in public, "Using four-letter words and other obscenities in public without any reservations- especially in the presence of children," ranks #2 on her 'Dirty Dozen: Today's Rudest Behaviors'.  I think it's interesting that people have felt for centuries that society has become more and more rude (by approximately 75% each time the poll was taken (I don't have an exact frequency but the first poll was in 1405).

Peggy also says, "Save your more colorful language for a private place."

My two cents

The new world

I have been reading blogs and articles about manners and etiquette (which are not the same thing: manners being a way we act in order to help those around us feel more comfortable and etiquette being a specific code of conduct that may change over time but that is more specific and formal i.e. how to greet the queen, etc).  It's been fascinating to glean different points of view on the subject and I came across an article that originated from a radio show produced in San Fran.  I found it particularly refreshing and pertinent in our society as well as easy to put into practice.  It's an easy read.

Perhaps the rules of etiquette will and do change as time goes on and society adapts, but having good manners and helping those around us feel comfortable doesn't.  Having grace is always in style.

My two cents.

Come on baby...

I am SO that person who when I see a post on Facebook that has the beginning of a song title in it, I immediately begin singing the rest of the song (in my head and car).  So as you can imagine, when I wrote the title to this post, all I could think of afterward was "...light my fire!"  So annoying sometimes that I can't remember what happened two weeks ago on Tuesday but I can remember all the verses to most of the hymns and countless lyrics to songs.  Useless most of the time but I guess it comes in handy when trying to think of titles for posts on my blog.

Anywho...Cord and I decided to jump outside our box and have an adventure.  We attended an educational dinner (initially I thought it was going to be more of a dinner club) at Communal (the most charming, funky, amazing, yummy restaurant) in Provo for those of you who live in Utah- it's a sustainable, environmentally conscience restaurant with up and coming chefs and thoughtful fresh dishes prepared in full or half courses in a quaint environment.  A must try for any date, ladies night, or meeting.

Wow I'm taking a long time to get to my point.  As we sat down for dinner, we had the opportunity to sit across the table from some amazing ladies and chat while we enjoyed our meal.  As we chatted I was reminded of the reason I wrote this blog in the first place.  We discussed why I started an etiquette blog and how I "knew so much about etiquette" which I still don't claim to be an expert at by any means.

It was refreshing to discuss this topic (among others) with strangers, listen to their opinions, and laugh over a good dinner.  As our ice cream melted atop our apple crustada, I reminisced about earlier days of publishing posts almost daily and how excited I was to get up in the morning to write to you...my readers.  Although I do believe there are times and seasons for all things, and I know this is not my season for daily posts, I do believe I still have valuable information to share.  I will make an effort to pour out my knowledge onto these digital pages and share what I think could be valuable.  I continue to enjoy the interaction I have with you via FB, Twitter, Pinterest (oh my, that's fun!) and especially via email.  Thank you for your loyalty.

That's my two cents.

Are good manners passé?

I came across the most fascinating article this morning in the NY Times that discusses a case where two gentlemen were sitting in a bar and two ladies were standing (no seats available).  The employees asked the gentlemen to give up their seats to the ladies and one of the men was upset about being asked to give up his seat to a woman and took the case to court.  I would love for you to read this article...but I am curious as to your views on this subject.

The article goes into further speculation as to why manners could be on the decline.  Family dinners are less frequent, our world is more fast-paced, manners are insincere, etc.  I found these arguments to be most intriguing as my philosophy has always been that good manners can make others feel comfortable (when I'm doing it right-which I don't always accomplish) and don't alienate others or come across as insincere.

I do believe that teaching the next generation good manners and etiquette comes more from an example than from what we preach.  As most parents can attest, our children learn best from our actions and mimic what we do, not what we say we will do.  I personally think that we do live in a disrespectful world where manners and good taste have become eroded, where Beavis and Butthead have made a comeback by popular demand?  Seriously?  If that is any indication of the level of taste or class that we are accepting into our homes, then yes, I can see how manners would take a back seat in homes very quickly and respect would fly right out the window.

In a world where Sponge Bob rules (not that he hasn't gotten a giggle out of me...) it doesn't surprise me that our children speak disrespectfully to us and that we aren't too terribly shocked by it, or are even amused by it (although we have to take things with a grain of salt or else we'd go nuts as parents- I DO have a sense of humor people).

I guess my point is that I don't believe that manners come and go like the tide.  I believe they are like values.  I believe they are a constant in a person's life and make up part of their integrity.  Some of the comments in the article suggest that manners can be surface, and perhaps sometimes, holding back a comment or not honking the horn could be seen as "not being yourself" which is drilled into our heads that we must do in todays society to find our happiness, but what about self control?  What about restraint?  When do we learn those things?  Consideration for others?  I submit that these are crucial lessons that our future generation must learn and must learn early if they are to be successful and truly joyful.

Some phone tips

As I've had many readers email me about different kinds of phone etiquette, I thought I'd tackle one area in particular today.

I was teaching an etiquette class to the most adorable group of 8 year olds the other day and we talked about how to answer the phone. They giggled as I acted out holding the phone three inches away from my head as I screamed for the person who was to answer the pretend phone call- ahh, but how true it is that this happens in my house (much to my disappointment every time).

I've discussed childrens manners before and included a section on phone manners, but I'm going to extend this to the adults as well. These seem like common sense, but I often need reminders about these things to keep me on the right track where this seemingly small area is concerned. The phone can often be your first introduction to people whether in business or personal life, so it's important to make a good first impression:

1. Speak slowly when giving your phone number and name on a voicemail. Make sure you spell anything that may be misheard. Leave your phone number at the beginning of your voicemail and say it twice- the person listening may want to quickly return your phone call without listening to a lengthy message.
2. Listen more than you speak.
3. Always remember your please and thank you's!

May I take your order?

I had a reader email this question to me and I couldn't wait to post it. Customer service today (or a lack thereof) is a huge pet peeve of mine. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to be a server for example, however it does take a special kind of person to work in the customer service industry and those people are a dying breed apparently.

Several times last week I said to myself and others, "I'm going to blog about this" in utter shock at how others were acting who were supposed to be helpful and instead I found them to be...well let's just say- less than helpful.

At one point this week I was actually in tears trying to get a point across (an important one) to a sales representative and he actually said to me, "this isn't a big deal"- the big deal was they weren't listening to what I was saying and had fraudulently charged my credit card and would not relent (it took five people and a large chunk of my time before someone 'got it').

Suffice it to say- if you have the hiring power, at least make sure the people whom you are hiring to work with consumers, are teachable and patient- the rest learnable.

Here is what my reader had to say:

A big pet peeve on manners is when you order food anywhere, whether over the phone for takeout or in person, and the person taking your 411 acts like they really don't care if you order (you're just a #, they're just doing their job, and they can't wait to get you out the door or off the phone.). Then when you ask for their name, what you really want to do is give them a piece of your mind for treating you so rudely. Agh! What do you do?

Dear frustrated,

I would not hesitate one bit to say something like, "I am really trying to have patience, but I feel as though I'm not being treated the way I should be, and I don't appreciate it" You may not get the response you would want, but you've spoken your mind. Another approach is to say, "thank you so much, may I please speak with your supervisor?" I know for a fact that most large corporations cannot hang up on you without it being recorded that they have done so- much to their chagrin I'm sure.

I'm sorry for your general experiences and disappointment, but I'm sure you're not alone. You can find comfort in that. At least you can appreciate a good customer service representative when you get one!

Back by popular demand

I got a Facebook wall post today requesting that I start posting again- so here I am. I have resolved to do better even if I'm not feeling well physically, because 1. I can do this job in my PJ's and 2. I love you guys! I so enjoy my readership here and I am excited for what 2010 holds for The Pink Teapot.

Tonight I just want to write a small reminder about apologies. We had an incident today in our home (there are a lot of those with four ladies in the house) and this incident required an apology on the part of one of my children. I encouraged her to seek out the other individual, apologize, and then take the necessary steps to correct what she had done to the best of her ability (sometimes we can't fix what we've broken, darn it!)- She did take my advice and has gone the extra mile with notes intended and gifts planned.

My husband made a good comment that I thought I'd leave with you all: After I had suggested that she take some of her hard-earned babysitting money and buy a gift for the offended party, my lover said that we ought to be careful in buying gifts to say "I'm sorry" and expect that the gift is the apology, rather than the amended behavior or what have you. I thought it was a good point; although I love giving gifts for any reason, it's always good to remember that making things right is more important than flowers (but not chocolate- lets be clear).

I hope my girls learn the hard lessons the "easy way" if that's possible for them- I hate knowing that they are facing all of these tough situations, awkward pauses, curt smiles, back-biting, and all the other fun things that come along with becoming a woman. I can only hope that one piece of their moral armor that I place on their bodies every day is good manners.

Happy New Year everyone- it's gonna be fantastic!

Facebook Etiquette

I found this fantastic article and thought that I'd share it with you! Here are some great tips for proper Facebook etiquette:

(from ehow.com-referenced):

1. Try to remember to reply to personal messages. Sometimes we forget, but if you've forgotten in the past, try to be better.
2. Keep applications to yourself, they can be cumbersome and annoying at times.
3. Keep events "private" unless all of your Facebook friends are invited or it's an open invitation.
4. Say nothing if you can't say anything nice. Once it's on Facebook it's on the internet forever. It's true that there is no such thing as deleting something from the internet.
5. Try not to delete friends from your profile unless they are breaking the Facebook rules of etiquette. If not out of consideration for their feelings, then to avoid an awkward encounter with them in the future.

The article in it's entirety is linked above. These are simple ideas that when followed, make everyone around us (including us) feel more comfortable.

Too Nice for her own good

These are some of my favorite emails...the ones that don't necessarily have a cut and dry answer. This particular situation has many different variables and so I put it out to you "Pink Teapotians"...what do you think?

"I have a neighbor who drops by unannounced in the evenings just to say "hello." Sometimes it happens at dinner or bath time. Sometime its just inconvenient because I'm trying to steal a minute for myself. I don't have the heart to be rude, but she drops by with her child and once my child sees who is at the door, I don't have much choice in acknowledging them. When I open the door, her child rushes in and then I have company, even if just for a few minutes.

I might say something like, "Oh I'm busy making dinner and doing laundry." And she might respond with, "we'll just stay a minute." I don't even invite her past the foyer, but even that doesn't seem to get through. Then, we have to pry the kids apart to send them on their way.

What do you recommend?

Signed,
Too Nice for Her own good"

We're all intelligent here. But this takes some thinking. What are the parties' personalities like? What are their needs? There is a basic infringement going on here. The person who is just "coming in" during dinner time or that special time of day is simply infringing upon this person's boundaries.

The one thing I will say is that if we will allow them, others will show us their boundaries. I want to hear from you!! I'm so excited to hear what you have to say to this person! I'm sure they are excited too!

Class is timeless

I was in one of those reflective moods the other day and I was thinking about class. I was trying to wrap my brain around what it really is and what it means. I think it can mean different things in different situations and to different people. We can't all act the same way in any given situation because we're all different personalities and that would be boring, we weren't built that way, however, there are some constants.

We can always think before we speak...or try-let's work toward that...that's a goal of mine!

We can always err on the side of being kind: we can be nice instead of rude, include instead of exclude, give others the benefit of the doubt (not always easy to do), smile instead of scowl, wave instead of ignore, forgive instead of hold a grudge, and build bridges instead of create gaps.

We can always politely say "no thank you, but thank you for asking...that was so nice" instead of "No!"

We can always say "yes please!"

It doesn't cost you anything to slow down sometimes and take time for others

A sincere thanks via text, email, homing pigeon, or in person looking them right in the eye is so powerful. It may be forgotten by you in a moment's time, but may be remembered by the person being thanked for a lifetime...don't forget to show gratitude

My point is that kindness and class I believe go hand-in-hand, they're close cousins...perhaps even the same thing. I have rarely seen a rude person or a closed off mean person and thought, now there's a person with a lot of class.

I am writing this because I feel that I have a lot to learn in this regard and I think we can all learn from this. Sometimes we are too busy, too proud, too stressed, too stupid, too...whatever to just stop and think about how what we may do, or what we may have done could affect the other person and we need to think about that more often. If we would do that, I can tell you that the world would not only be a more well- mannered place, but a classier place. Things that are vengeful and hurtful would not be said and done so easily, apologies would come more quickly, forgiveness more easily, smiles more readily, and thank-you's more heart felt.

Try it for a week, give it a chance. See what happens.

That's too much info for a first date!

We were recently the hosts of an all adult dinner party at our home, a proud accomplishment with four little ones.  It was enchanting for me as I watched my husband truly delight in our guests' company (as did I of course).  You know who you are and since you read my blog and you know I'm going to mention this, you shall remain nameless!

One of our dear friends related an experience she had while attending an event where she knew no one well.  She felt uncomfortable at the level of intimate conversation going on, not necessarily because these ladies were being so rude, but perhaps (in my opinion) because they were not considering her feelings or thoughts being someone who was new to this particular situation and could in no way keep up with the inside jokes, the casual sarcasm, or the flagrant disregard for anything private (it seemed).  Now I'm not lecturing these ladies by any means, there is nothing like a great group of girlfriends, however, when one is invited to be part of that for a time, that group needs to be sensitive to that one new person's needs, instead of just thinking of their own needs as a group.  Someone should to stand up for the little person, the new girl, and it's you...the one reading my blog.

Here are a couple of things to think about:

• When in mixed (newer) company, there are topics to avoid:  Sex and bodily functions, other people, intense politics, religious differences, and child rearing techniques.  You could also add to that list-insistent opinions stated as facts about any topic.  I will never forget sticking my whole leg (if you will) in my mouth once when I didn't know a family well at all, and talking about how I thought an establishment could do a little better in this area or that, and it turned out they owned it, nice Janine, nice.  I learned my lesson-listen far more than you speak, ask questions about the new person; find out what they're interested in, who they are, where they're from.  Most likely you'll find you will have things in common.  If not, at least you made an earnest effort and tried your best.  If you truly lack for conversation, try The Box Girls they specialize in conversation boxes for different events in your lives, what a fabulous idea!
• Think of others, not only of yourself.  At times I find that I will talk about my life or doings (when asked) in order to avoid making others feel as though they have to open up, break the ice, someone has to do it!  This is an art; one I have not perfected.  You have to gauge who that person is, how much they like to converse, how comfortable they are talking on "the first date" and subsequent dates, and read their body language and facial expressions.  We went out with friends recently who wanted to know all about a particular topic; they were fascinated by it.  I happily delved into this particular topic, but that's where I tried to monitor (maybe not successfully) talking too much and getting too passionate about my subject versus satisfying them in their curiosity.  We're going out again soon, so I guess they've given me another chance to work on that "art".
• There's always a way out; in this I firmly believe.  You are never stuck and here are some tips that I shared with my dear friend- some light and comedic, some matter-of-fact, and some- to the point:  "That's way too much information for a first date", "Wow, is it that late?  it's past my bedtime!", "That image is going to be in my head all next week, I'm not sure how I feel about that" (all using comedy to lighten the situation but hopefully get your point across-especially when sex is brought up inappropriately).  Here is another post I did on gossip that gives some great tips on how to handle a crowd when gossip arises. "I have a date with a bubble bath and have to go, thank you for inviting me", "It's been such a long day ('already'-if during the day) I am going to go home and take a breather, thank you", "Sorry to jet out of here so early, but I have a million things to do (who doesn't), thanks for the invite", "You ladies were so kind to include me, it's so nice to see close friends all together.  I have to get going I have_______ to do, thank you" Here I've given you several one liners that tactfully get you out of a situation and allow you to leave.  Make sure you convey your thanks, no matter how saucy the gathering got, to the hostess, not forgetting your manners.

We just have to remember that relationships with women are some of the most enriching (or can be) experiences that we will have in this life, as they were meant to be.  They are not to replace our spousal relationships, or our relationships with our children (should that be your stage or choice of life), but there is nothing like a good group of girlfriends.  For me, most of my girlfriends are scattered all over the place, a sprinkling, if you will.  I adore that.  I have all kinds of close, adorable, sophisticated, loving, kind, women in my life who enrich me and lift me up.  They make me a better person and that's the whole point.  I like acquaintances, but I've learned the difference between a true friend, a passing friend, and an acquaintance, all of whom are valid and okay, just different.  I remember an email coming around saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and do you know what makes me most grateful?  That most of my girlfriends are there for a lifetime.  I love you all, you know who you are; thank you for enriching my life and making me a better person.  

That's what women are meant to do in your life, so if that's not what's happening, change it up, think about what you're attracting to yourself, and fix it, if needs be.  Make friendships a priority, it's a sad thing indeed when people don't have that in their lives.

Love to all, I'm heading out of town so have a glorious spring weekend!