Customer satisfaction

I know it's been ages since I've posted.  I always think about manners, etiquette, and great ideas for posts, but with a full time job as a wife and mama, another full time job, and all the other that stuff life brings, I just don't prioritize the blog like I should.  Just know that I think about The Pink Teapot and you often.  I also host a lot of etiquette dinners for youth which takes up some significant time.

What brings me to actually typing this morning is an experience I had yesterday combined with one I had this past weekend.  They were reminiscent of so many that I've had and I figured that since this happens to me so frequently, it must happen to others as well.  Let's see, shall we?

I was in a retail clothing store yesterday (one of my favorites) and I needed to return a pair of pants and a top.  I had spent a significant amount when making my original purchase, but I don't think that should matter; but I have found that sometimes retailers will treat me kindly when they know I'm a good customer (as in I will spend money).  I asked the sales rep to look up my purchase.  The details are tedious and unimportant, but I was treated like she was doing me a favor by giving me store credit (their policy by the way).  She was condescending in her tone and spoke slowly so that I'd make sure to understand her.  Even after verifying that I was, in fact, following "return procedure", she was annoyed that she had to look up my purchase and went as far as to say, "when you come in and just want to return something and you don't know how you paid for it or when you bought it..."  I was taken aback (I did know how I purchased it- it was a store card that I had already given her; I also knew the date), I smiled, I thanked her (she did give me store credit with which to purchase even more stuff) and I proceeded to spend said credit (and a little more).  I felt like I didn't want to be in that store any longer.  I love the clothes, they fit me well, but the energy was so negative (I braved through it for a couple of pairs of shoes and a top).

This past weekend, I was in search for the perfect woman's bag.  I needed something that I felt I could use every day for my computer and as a personal handbag (a zip top) and by the way, unless it's a diaper bag, this seems to be very difficult to find.  This would be my every day bag (I have a collection of bags, but I needed a trusty uniform-bag-briefcase).  I went into a store where I've purchased many handbags and I was greeted.  The sales rep asked me if I knew what I was looking for and I indicated that I did and explained what I wanted.  I went right to the bag I thought was going to work.  I explained what I was looking for and even gave preferences for color and she gave me *one* option.  I saw one bag on a shelf that seemed to meet my needs, I walked over to it, and she said, "well that one is on sale, I guess if you want one that's on sale..." (um...who doesn't want a sale...seriously?).  It turned out that after looking at 5 or 6 bags in that store, she simply said, "There's nothing that would work for you in here".  Now I'm a fan of honesty, but turning away business?  Maybe not.  I felt like she could have directed me online, asked some questions, anything.  There were probably 100 bags in that store.  You're telling me we couldn't have found one that worked?

Here's the thing that got me:  She acted the entire time like she was doing *me* a favor.  That's the same experience I had yesterday at the clothing store.  The entitlement that some of these people seem to have just blows my mind.  I'm not of the school that a sales rep should be treated poorly, and I don't think the customer is always right; but I do think it's a customer service reps' (sales reps) job to make the shopping experience a pleasant one and perhaps even go so far as to make the customer feel like you're happy they're there to shop.  What a thought!

We need to be considerate as consumers, and I've talked a lot about that, but it's difficult to be considerate and kind when the person who is helping you is rude, entitled, snotty, and vapid.  Thank goodness for lots of choices in where we shop, although isn't it the worst when your favorite stores  are the ones that you dread entering because of poor customer service?

I think the US retail clothing industry has become far too complacent in training employees to be good customer service representatives.  I also think that the generation that is currently in the work force (vague, I know) largely feels entitled, empowered (not in a positive way), they seem to have a superiority complex.

I plead with employers, please interview carefully.  Please ask how someone would handle a difficult customer, and then follow through with proper training and appropriate consequences/rewards for performance.

It seems to me that retailers largely just don't care.  I'm not sure why since the US apparel industry is a 331 *billion* dollar per year industry!

I think we've largely gone online (and quite frankly if I could have exchanged the clothes and looked at the specks of the handbag online I would have), it's become common place to spend time and energy there as retailers.  I personally think that's no excuse to let customer service slide.

My two (or five) cents.

PS  Thanks Coach for having the perfect women's work bag.  Not a diaper bag (nothing wrong with them, I'm just out of that stage), but a working, zip top, well priced bag!  Thank you also for being so polite, friendly, and professional; and no, I didn't get a bag for free, I just feel like it's nice to point out the positive!

Chauvinistic or Chivalrous

Chivalry is not dead!

I came across a great article that embodies what I speak to youth about and what my blog is all about; helping others feel more comfortable.  This article speaks to 8 acts of Chivalry that should be brought back and that it's not about the inability of women to perform these tasks on their own, but out of respect and consideration for someone other than one's self.  

I hope you enjoy this article as much as I did.  As a wife, mama, chauffeur, cook, and all the other titles that come along with my identity, I appreciate this from a man's perspective who is trying to show true respect to women.  I'm not less than, never thought I was, and I always knew I wanted to marry a man who agreed with that and I know that my husband would not only do these things for me (does do them), but will do these things for other women.  I only hope I can raise a son who is just as considerate as his father.

http://jamesmsama.com/2014/02/01/8-acts-of-chivalry-to-bring-back/

Here's another article written in the DailyMail about women accepting men's help.  89% of women say they wouldn't accept a mans help:

Women are suspicious of kind men who open doors for them or offer a coat on a cold day because of a decline in good manners, research has suggested.

Traditional acts of chivalry once thought to be polite and noble are frowned upon in the 21st century because they are so rare.

That means the 'knight in shining armour' persona is an unwanted fantasy now that women strive to be strong and independent.

Style gurus claim 'standards have slipped' in the way men conduct themselves so women are 'suspicious' of gestures once thought to be polite or kind.

A survey said 82 per cent of women preferred to pay for their dinner on a first date and 52 per cent claimed they would happily pay the entire bill.

Men who think women are lumbering heavy shopping bags around should think twice before running to their assistance, because 89 per cent would not accept an offer to help.

And the scene of a considerate lover throwing his coat over the shoulders of a wife or girlfriend seems to be just for Hollywood rom-coms only - a massive 78 per cent said they would not accept the gesture even on a cold day.

Mark Hall, of Socked.co.uk, an online style guide offering tips on etiquette, said: 'Men's standards have slipped so far over recent years.

'Any offer of chivalry from a gentleman knocks a woman off their guard and is viewed with outright suspicion.

'Does an offer of goodwill have to be taken the wrong way?

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2262609/Chivalrous-acts-thought-polite-noble-make-women-suspicious-rare-study-suggests.html#ixzz2ud51Y8V6

We have to be smart ladies.  I carry defense with me at all times and I'm aware of my surroundings, but taking a seat offered to you on a crowded shuttle or allowing a man to open a door for you, who does that hurt?  I believe it only demeans us as women if we feel inferior in the first place or that we have something to prove.  I personally don't and appreciate that there are still gentlemen out there.

The art of conversation

con·ver·sa·tion

ˌkänvərˈsāSHən/

noun

1.                                              the informal exchange of ideas by spoken words.

I recently chatted with Brooke Walker from KSL's Studio 5 while she was on KBYU radio (also Sirius XM radio channel 143) filling in for Matt Townsend.  It was fun to chat with her (love her and consider her a friend) and it's also led to an invitation to come chat with Matt on a regular basis to discuss manners and etiquette; I even got a real phone call with a question (other than the one from my mother-she's so cute).  To the point, my chat with Brooke was about the art of conversation and how to keep it going or start it without being superficial or too deep.

Here's what we talked about:

1.  Be genuinely interested in the person to whom you are speaking
- no matter what you're asking, make sure are sincere and that will be perceived hopefully by the other party.

2. All conversations are give and take.  Don't interview and don't be interviewed. 
- After you are asked a question about yourself, answer it and then perhaps ask a question back to show interest in the other person.

3. Always be your best self, we want to see it all, but not all at once.
- it's always great to talk about interesting things going on in the world such as politics or religion, but these topics can often be personal and even volatile at times.  Try to be your real self while keeping the focus on neutral topics such as career, traveling, etc.

4. Just because you're different doesn't mean you have nothing in common.
- If something comes up that creates a divide or where you don't see eye to eye with the other person, build on some point of commonality, finding the positive in their response.

5. It's called "The art of conversation" for a reason- it takes time, practice, and lots of patience, but it will pay off if you do those things.

5 conversation starters:

Ask a question, for example: What do you do? What brings you here today? What have you been up to lately?  What do you have going on this next week?

2. Pay a compliment (a sincere one):  Notice something about the person that you like, this can be a quality or even something as simple as what they are wearing or how they did their hair (for women especially).  

3. Use a surrounding object as an anchor:  (A. at an event- "the speaker before lunch was so fascinating.  I didn't realize there were so many things to do in New Zealand", B. at a social gathering, "this is such a beautiful location, I've never been here before, have you?" C. Waiting in line to order food, "I love the buffalo chicken here but I haven't tried any other sauces.  Have you ever tried (insert name of different foods here)?"  

4. Ask for help or advice.  This puts you in a passive role which can be very helpful at times when you feel like your questions aren't being answered.  Asking someone for advice helps them feel valued, this is a great way to rescue a crashing conversation.  You must be observant and know on which subjects they feel they are knowledgeable.  

5. Share something about yourself.  This also puts you in a vulnerable position, but a genuine one.  I'd always choose to be genuine than superficial, it's much more gratifying.  

Just last night I was grabbing a drink for my daughter at a fast food restaurant and as a lady and I were both standing by the drink machine waiting for our orders, she casually mentioned that "orange Fanta" was at the fast food establishment in Italy on the military base there.  I responded that I didn't know they even had such a restaurant in Italy.  I then shared that through my travels in Europe, I always ran into Orangina and was that the same thing as their "fanta"?  She explained that it tasted quite different and I responded with how fascinated I was by the fact that they had such seemingly obscure restaurants in Europe and she went on to name several restaurant chains that she had visited all over the world and I asked if the menus varied or the taste...it went on like that until my food was ready and I wished her a pleasant evening.  

Conversations are a basic human interaction that can feed or drain us.  Even for those introverts out there, it can be an interesting experience and you never know what you can learn in just a few minutes with someone, and perhaps you made their day or they made yours...or better yet, both.

It was a blast to have such a casual forum in which to speak and not be pressed for time.  I love doing segments on Studio 5, this was just different, and a nice change.  

I hope this helps you feel more comfortable starting a conversation or helps you keep those awkward moments during a convo to a minimum.  

Have a great week.  

Janine

Customer (UN)satisfaction

I love getting those surveys that talk about customer satisfaction and I stay up way too late to make sure and fill them out because I should be sleeping, but someone has to.  It's my duty, isn't it?  Well it should be someones!

My parents have often told me I'd be a great secret shopper or critic- not because I'm mean but because I have a sense of what should be, what works and what doesn't, and in the food arena, I just love good food, but that's another blog entirely that I will never get to write (never say never-another thing my mother says).

The other day, I ordered some last minute outfits for my two youngest girls for their first day of school. I am not an "in-the-store" shopper when it comes to my kids if it can be avoided (for me it's an entirely different story).  If it's a special occasion for my kids, it's a blast.  If it's for massive amounts of school clothes with a markdown, FOR-GET-IT (can I hyphenate that?)!  Especially here in Utah where everyone has multiple children (exaggeration but it feels that way) and people are willing to fight over a Gymboree sale (or any sale and it can get UGLY)...I'd rather shop online (or out of state). My older two were taken care of, but my littles had still not picked out their first day of school outfits and time was running out.  I knew I'd have to pay overnight shipping at this point but I knew I could get it done.  I placed my order (just under the gun) and relaxed as I felt with confidence that my order would arrive the day before school (arrive on Monday, school started Tuesday, placed the order on the previous Friday incidentally at 9:46amMT-important deets for later).

Monday came, as did many, many, many packages, school supplies flew through the air, boxes were everywhere, clothes were tried on, Cayden's shirts (purchased at www.roadkilltshirts.com which I'm not recommending necessarily because some of their shirts are vulgar and I had to get to the actual pages of the shirts I liked before C could even see the them however they are REALLY FUNNY...breathe) were laughed out loud at, not one but two back to school nights were attended but still no package.  My FEDEX man was outraged (well maybe not but having been to my house he knew I was but still loves me) and the day had passed with no first day of school outfits for two cute little girls.  Now, were they any less cute on the first day of school?  Of course not!  But, were they a bit deflated?  Yes.  They handle disappointment well.  I am, after all, their mother.

I called Gymboree the next morning after I took their pictures and send all my babies to High School (had him when I was 12), Jr High, and elementary school.  I was thrilled to get someone on the other end who obviously was (not) well versed in Gymboree's shipping policies; which are as follows:

All orders received prior to 12 p.m. (noon) ET, Monday through Friday, are processed the same day upon credit card validation, and delivered via Fed Ex the following business day before 3:00 p.m. Business days are Monday through Friday, excluding Holidays. Orders placed after 12 p.m. (noon) ET on Fridays will ship out on Monday, pending credit card validation (unless Monday is a Holiday). Next Business Day Delivery is limited in select areas. For details on service locations, visit FedEx.com. Next Business Day Delivery is not available for shipments to P.O. Boxes, AK, HI, APO/FPO addresses or U.S. Territories.

The part she kept repeating was, "Orders placed after 12pm (noon) ET on Fridays will ship out on Monday, pending credit card validation (unless Monday is a Holiday)."  She was explaining that they used Friday as a processing day in my case and that they were well within their rights since I placed my order ON A FRIDAY.  I kindly (as kindly as I could muster) asked to speak to a supervisor several times which she denied me the opportunity of doing.  She said their policy stated that orders placed Monday through Thursday before Noon ET would go out that day....but Friday didn't count.  I wondered why.  She placed me on hold several times.  Finally after a 20 minute conversation and holds with this representative and her apparent frustration with me (and mine with her), she came back on the line and said, "we are going to refund your next day shipping as a courtesy because you're so upset."  I said, "wait...I don't want it refunded if I made a mistake, but as far as I can tell, 9:46amMT is 11:46amET, and I got the confirmation email and my card had already been debited, so obviously it wasn't a card issue...but if I'm wrong, I don't want you to refund my shipping.  I only want it refunded if there has been a mistake, which you keep saying there has not been.  You have spent the last 20 minutes telling me there has not been."  

She simply told me the refund would appear on my card within the next 30-60 days (thanks) and I was (emptily) told to have a nice day.  BTW- true to my Pink Teapot self, no yelling or rude behavior took place, I just wanted to understand why my package wasn't shipped and why they refused, absolutely refused to take responsibility or even apologize for the inconvenience.  (Are you guys still with me?)

So, at the risk of making this a REALLY long post (and yes, I know I'm breaking my own rules by using all caps, but rules are made to be broken today).  

I bought a brand new iPhone two months ago and along with it I bought the cutest C.Wonder case for like 35.00 at the Apple store.  I have taken the case off 3 times exactly at the behest of Apple customer service to see if it improved my microphone (peeps keep saying they can't hear me very well).  I went to put it back on today and it is broken in two places.  I called C. Wonder and not only did the rep cut me off (C. Wonder, not Apple), she told me that it wasn't her problem, it was Apple's because that's where I bought it.  She said (in a condescending tone like when you're speaking to a stupid person), "You know how when you buy something and it's defective?  You always take it back to the store...you never contact the manufacturer."  Oh really? Now I know that's true sometimes, but not always and InCase (another brand of cases for iPhones sold at the Apple store) has replaced Cord's cases several times even after like 2 years.  They back up their product- That's a company!  I contact manufacturers all the time.  Samsung, Apple, Michael Kors,Vitamix (I'm looking around but you get the idea).  It's the manufacturer's responsibility to make sure their product isn't defective and I've had the case for less than two months and it's clearly defective!  I was thrilled with the level of devotion from her. 

This all comes back to manners people.  They are not being taught in the home and so why would people use them in their workplace when they are not being used at home.  Why would one respect another in the workplace when they don't do it in the home?  Fundamental principles.  I don't care what kind of family unit you have, these things are not passé, they are not outdated, they are crucial.  We say to our son all the time that we are teaching him what respect is and that he can figure out what respect means to him when he leaves our home, but that when he doesn't have the respect to call us when he's late for curfew causing our worry, there are consequences.  That can change when he may have no one to answer to, although his boss may feel the same way as we do.  It's so basic and yet it takes far more work and follow through than just letting people do whatever they want.  

We are seeing the affects of a generation that has been allowed to do what they want (a general statement, of course there are so many wonderful people out there, but this is becoming or has become an epidemic).

Forgiveness begins with me

I have a firm belief that we are the kindest to those around us (generally speaking) whom we do not know well.  "Put your game face on", "Protect yourself".  I believe it's about self-preservation as well as insecurity as to what others might think of us.

I have found in the last 17 years though being a wife and a parent that the ones who matter most are the ones we are closest to.  We do not choose our blood relatives, but when it comes down to the wire, blood really is thicker than water.  I realize by breaching this topic, others may not agree and have chosen "alternative families".  I am not judging or condemning that.  I am simply stating that kindness begins with us and those who reside in our inner circle.  If we are unkind to family members, how genuine is our kindness to others?  I find it difficult sometimes to be kind every second of every hour of every day to my family because they are always around.

I think forgiveness on our part is something everyone is worthy of.  But we must practice it with those closest to us so that we can extend that great love to others.

We tend to be the harshest and most judgmental about our family members; knowing their weaknesses, seeing them often, perhaps blaming them for our character flaws because we are related to them and there may be past wounds that have yet to heal.

I believe that if we cannot truly forgive our family, we will have a much more difficult time forgiving others.

I simply ask and challenge you to have the courage to forgive those around you.  This begins with an honest look at what part you may have played in contributing to the (perhaps) fragile state of your relationship.  There are always three sides to every story: My side, your side, and the truth.  We all live in some form of altered reality and tell ourselves what we want to hear.

There are people I have absolutely no desire to allow into my life because of past experiences, but if I allow hatred, bitterness, or anger to dictate my actions, I am the one who pays the ultimate price.

Try to fix what you can: first in your own family relationships, then branching out to others.  When we have wronged someone, we should be honest about it.  I've always said that just because you've been hit by a train, doesn't mean you have to stand on the tracks waiting for it to happen again, but does that mean that if we see that same person who ran us over on those tracks, we should not try and help?  I believe true forgiveness is honesty, clarity, and compassion; even empathy.

You may not have the chance for closure on past relationships, but knowing you've done all you can and that you have truly forgiven: you are absolved and it no longer has anything to do with you.

Our biggest mistake (especially as women- but across the board) is holding on to what others have done and not accepting responsibility freely for our part.  I believe that in only concentrating on our part in a falling out, a hurt, a judgement, we have absolved ourselves of any wrong doing (in our heads).

We also justify our anger by blaming others for what they have done to us.  This is merely deflection and has no barring on our ability to forgive and move forward.

I think we have three main reasons we are angry at others:

1. They did something valid that hurt us or a loved one.
2. They did something that perhaps reminds us of past or current weaknesses in our own lives and deflecting that onto someone else is easier than dealing with the fact that we are not perfect.
3. We so badly want to believe we have done "the lesser wrong" and hold on to that anger in order to justify our own behavior.

Forgiveness is not easy.  Pride gets in our way too often; and so do other people.  We listen to idle gossip, we participate in it, we blame others for our own mistakes, we lie to ourselves justifying our own behavior, and on and on.

Being with my family this week helped me realize that it's the most difficult to be the kindest and most forgiving of those closest to us.  Have I been hurt?  Of course.  Does that mean I cannot forgive?  Absolutely not.  Am I to blame if I cannot forgive or hold a grudge?  Yes.  Is it my responsibility to try my upmost to right a wrong?  Without question.

Forgiveness is about us (and I personally believe that my Savior- Jesus Christ has a huge part in giving my anguish to Him).  Forgiveness doesn't have to be a two-way street, but we must be sure that our path is clear and no hazards lie in our way of letting things go.

Forgiveness is a choice, just like every other thing we deal with in life.  I am not saying that depression, homosexuality, addiction, illness, or any of the other things we deal with as human beings are choices...but how we deal with those things in our lives is a choice.  We can either have a positive attitude or a negative one.  That IS our choice.  Agency is a huge part of our accountability.  We can make our own choices.  We can CHOOSE to react with negativity or with kindness.

I grow weary of the plight: you hurt me and my anger is justified.  Seriously?  There comes a time when everyone must drop it, let it go, give it to the Savior, whatever your process is so that it no longer weighs you down into the gulf of misery and endless woe.

I truly believe "justified anger" is a tool that is used to bog us down.  We can either lift the weight, or keep it on top of us crying that this huge weight is there and that's why we are bitter, angry, vengeful, and all sorts of other things.

I will simply conclude with a short experience (yep- putting something very personal out there).  I was viciously attacked by someone with no courage.  They attempted to cause discord, ruin my reputation and standing, and who knows what else.  I cannot begin to imagine the kind of darkness that must dwell in the heart of the person who attacked my character.  I was most fortunate to have a very supportive family as well as supportive people who were the recipients of this "attack".  I put it in quotes because really, it was desperate.  It was vengeful.  That affects their hearts in the end, but it doesn't have to affect mine.  Unqualified accusations and attacks on my character make me sad.  But I am even more saddened by whomever would choose to go to such great lengths to "try" and ruin my reputation as a blogger, a mother, a wife, a person.

Whoever you are...I forgive you.  My heart truly breaks for your anger and sorrow.  Your attempts to try and ruin anything in my life were futile and unfounded.  I pray for you.  I truly cannot understand such vindictiveness; it's truly beyond my comprehension.  Perhaps, one day, if I have chosen the wrong path, I will be able to have empathy, but as of now I only have sympathy for your desperate actions.

Forgiveness begins with me and ends with me.  I will always love.  I do not hate one person in this world.  I may disagree, be a little sore from wounds inflicted, or wander with a lack of understanding; but I am truly grateful that HATE does not reside in my heart and pray it never will.

My two cents

Happy 200th Post!

I can't believe that this blog is 5 years old and I am now posting my 200th post!  I have shared many personal experiences as well as practical etiquette advice not only with you as a collective group, but have had so many wonderful personal experiences due to this blog.

I started this blog for me, to do have something all my own.  It's difficult to decide where I go from here.  Although it's an etiquette and manners blog, I feel that there is so much more to being a lady, a classy woman, than good manners.  j'adore fashion and all things elegant...but I can also shop at Target with the best of them!

"Cost and worth are very different things" quoted from one of my favorite movies "Confessions of a Shopaholic".  Probably because I can relate to Rebecca Bloomwood in SO many ways.

The world does feel better when I've just brought home bags of goodies, but then when I need a pick-me-up, I go shopping again.  I find it fascinating that in society, one who has the financial means to shop is considered eccentric, idolized, fun to watch.  But when there isn't the financial backing, it's a problem.  So interesting how society looks at those things.  I find it similar to eating...if you're thin you can eat whatever you want (if you have the disposition to not gain weight), but for those who do (I am one of them), we are looked at in a positive light as long as we stay thin, but if we gain weight, it's frowned upon and our eating habits are taken into question.

If we have a special flare for a particular thing, talent, whatever you want to call it; we will always have those who appreciate what we do and we will always have the haters, no matter how much we would like that not to be the case.

I have learned the following lessons, particularly in the last five years:

• You CANNOT control other people, you can only control yourself
• What others think about you is really none of your business
• The more success you have, the more people will not like you (true especially of women)
• Not everyone is going to like you
• Always follow the Golden Rule; it will not always work out how you would like, but at least you know you are treating others as you would want to be treated
• Forgiveness is within yourself, it has nothing to do with anybody else
• Sometimes the things that bother us the most about other people are because:  1.  We see those faults in ourselves 2. We have overcome those faults and it annoys us to see others not overcome them 3. We have had a bad experience with a particular trait that someone may possess and we have no trust or tolerance for their behavior  4. We are justifiably angry.  Often times the finger you are pointing at others needs to be turned right back around and pointed at yourself.
• I cannot and do not define myself by what my house looks like, my waist line, my children's hair,  or any other temporal thing, and have come to feel sad for those who do.  
• I have to be careful to not throw out the word "etiquette expert"(even though it's usually others who do that without my prompting) because it leaves me open for attack.
• I am not a self proclaimed anything...except a Daughter of God, a Wife to a truly amazing man, and a mother of four phenomenally talented and beautiful children.
• Success is not an external thing...and those who mistake that and brand their success with their "stuff" will just end up unhappy in the end; we must be joyful during our journey, not looking at the finish line.
• I've learned that I'm okay, and so is everybody else.  Not perfect, but okay, self assured, complete through Christ, at peace.

Those are all the things I can think of when I reflect back on this blog and the lessons I've learned from it specifically.  I have other life lessons I've learned but choose not to air any personal details (other than the ones I have shared in the past) because it's really only my business.  

I am grateful to all those who enjoy what I put out, whether in written form or on TV.  I am grateful that this blog has opened doors for me that I never thought would even be there.  I am excited for what has yet to come and hope that all of you will come along for the ride!

**oh, and I chose sunflowers because they are my favorite.  One of my favorite moments was stopping in a Sunflower field in the south of France and taking in the joy and glory of this wonderful flower that follows the sun; willing to bend and move in order to follow the light.  My aspiration.

My two cents

Cell phone manners

I wasn't aware (shamefully) that July among other things, is National Cell Phone Courtesy month.  Who knew?  KSL did their homework and was aware of this and asked me to pop on to their morning show to talk about using our manners with cell phone in hand (or sometimes not in hand).

Here is the link to the video interview which is a lot simpler sometimes than reading my lengthy posts.  I tend to impart a lot of information when I get excited about topics and TV is a good way for me to trim down the 'fat' if you will.

I hope you enjoy and I am enjoying the Summer with my family and seem to always be a little more inconsistent than usual in posting during the Summer months.  Forgive me, follow me on Twitter (140 characters is a good way for me to get the point across quickly), and Like my Facebook page (I update that often as well).  I love the blog and the soap box format it gives me to express my opinions, but with the segment on Studio 5 (a lot of links huh today huh), Facebook, Twitter, and last but certainly not least- my cute family; I get inundated with technology and sometimes have to take a break.

Here's to hoping you enjoy your Summer as well.  Off I go to lounge by the pool and pretend that my laundry doesn't need to be done!

P.S.  thought this pic was hilarious!!  Don't we all wish that some people would get into their own private "cell phone booth" once in a while?  TMI!

My two cents

What I'm in charge of...

I was reminded this morning while doing some meditating of wise words that my mother has used time and time again.  She has great one liners, and perhaps one day I will list them all for you (they're precious gems)...but today I just have one.

Don't allow others to determine how you're going to act.  It's a simple concept...we have our own free will, but not always an easy concept to apply.  I have found myself in situations where I've been hurt by others or had something come back to me that a person in my presence currently has said (in a derogatory way) and I've found myself being guarded, cold, and even rude in those situations in order to avoid repeating the same mistake I might have made in the past.  How sad that I've allowed others in the past to determine how I'm going to behave.  I really try to remember these words as well as think of what others who are better than myself would do; but that's not always easy or possible.

I make mistakes, I mess up, I drive with one leg up on the seat...by no means am I perfect.  One thing I do know though, is that I'm super aware of what I have done (especially when I've done it wrong) and I have the opportunity to correct it by not acting that way or saying that thing the next time.

If you feel you should reach out to someone who has given you the cold shoulder (even more than once), then do it.  If you want to apologize for your behavior and make another person aware of it (even if they may not be) then do it.  If you want to wash your hands of someone or a situation, remember that no action comes without consequence, positive or negative.

My two cents

You son of a gun!

In my teens, I had made myself a promise that I wasn't going to use swear words as a part of my vocabulary.  I remembered thinking that it dulled my senses, made me feel badly, and that it might appear to others that I didn't have the expansive vocabulary to properly express myself (which- lets face it- if you know me...I never have a shortage of words to use).  I kept that promise....until recently.

In the last year or so, I have found that when listening to people around me, it becomes difficult to shun those words from my mind...and once they're in your mind, it's not a far travel to your mouth.  My mom and dad used swear words when I was growing up- I never thought they didn't know how to communicate, this was just common place...but the bottom line is that your children will do what you do, not what you say.


My husband recently expressed (again) that he preferred I use my love of words to express my feelings, without using profanity.  I think that was a pivotal moment for me- I realized that no matter how justified I felt at the time, it made others around me (or had the potential of making others around me) uncomfortable.

I don't think this has anything to do with culture, religion, or creed.  I think it simply has to do with what is considered a swear word and as one wise woman in my neighborhood said, "if it goes in the toilet, it doesn't belong in your mouth." She specifically was referring to the word 'crap' and other words weren't an appropriate substitution for profanity in her opinion.

What I've learned is that I make mistakes (not a new lesson) but that people will love me anyway- however, I will gain more respect from those around me (or they may maintain their respect for me) if I  search my brain for the exact word that I want to use when expressing an opinion, frustration, joy, hurt, or any other emotion I might want to convey.

I did some research on this topic.  I will include a link here to some Op-Ed articles in the NY Times about profanity that are an interesting read.  I read several other papers and theories on this subject.  Many used the expletives within their article (counterproductive for my post) so I chose to leave the search to you.

My main point in writing this is to share that I truly believe, whether you have a friend who curses and you picked it up, our you just like to do it because...It does have an affect on those around you and can make others feel very uncomfortable; the ironic thing about my nasty little habit is that the person whom I had spent so much time with (who swore), was trying to stop, and by swearing myself, I was making that person uncomfortable.  I never imagined that their level of comfort (especially since they brought it around me) would be so contingent on my using appropriate language.  Side note:  They have never said this to me...it's just how I know they feel.

You never know how others view you...and I feel like what other people think about me is none of my business.  I mostly feel that way because I can't change anyone else, I can only change myself (and if they want to know who I really am, they can always ask).  I would never want to change anyone...whether you have a potty mouth or not, It's not my business.  My business is to let you know that it does affect how others perceive you and possibly their level of comfort in your presence.

Emily Post felt (well really Peggy Post feels) that one of the top 12 rudest behaviors include swearing in public, "Using four-letter words and other obscenities in public without any reservations- especially in the presence of children," ranks #2 on her 'Dirty Dozen: Today's Rudest Behaviors'.  I think it's interesting that people have felt for centuries that society has become more and more rude (by approximately 75% each time the poll was taken (I don't have an exact frequency but the first poll was in 1405).

Peggy also says, "Save your more colorful language for a private place."

My two cents

Observations-Fancy Friday

As an etiquette blogger (and a lover of all things manners), I find myself more keenly aware of those around me;  Not in trying to be the manners police or make others feel badly, but just as an observer.
I like to point out when others around me use good manners, especially children.

I heard a 'thank you' the other day from someone who has a difficult time expressing that sentiment.  I was so excited to hear those two simple words, that I stopped, turned around, and said, "thank you for saying thank you-what nice manners".  I was so thrilled to have heard this and didn't expect to hear it again, but hoped I would.  In pointing out the good that others do, we reinforce positive behavior.  I am a believer that you'll find what you're looking for...so look for the good and you'll find it.

My two cents

The new world

I have been reading blogs and articles about manners and etiquette (which are not the same thing: manners being a way we act in order to help those around us feel more comfortable and etiquette being a specific code of conduct that may change over time but that is more specific and formal i.e. how to greet the queen, etc).  It's been fascinating to glean different points of view on the subject and I came across an article that originated from a radio show produced in San Fran.  I found it particularly refreshing and pertinent in our society as well as easy to put into practice.  It's an easy read.

Perhaps the rules of etiquette will and do change as time goes on and society adapts, but having good manners and helping those around us feel comfortable doesn't.  Having grace is always in style.

My two cents.

Come on baby...

I am SO that person who when I see a post on Facebook that has the beginning of a song title in it, I immediately begin singing the rest of the song (in my head and car).  So as you can imagine, when I wrote the title to this post, all I could think of afterward was "...light my fire!"  So annoying sometimes that I can't remember what happened two weeks ago on Tuesday but I can remember all the verses to most of the hymns and countless lyrics to songs.  Useless most of the time but I guess it comes in handy when trying to think of titles for posts on my blog.

Anywho...Cord and I decided to jump outside our box and have an adventure.  We attended an educational dinner (initially I thought it was going to be more of a dinner club) at Communal (the most charming, funky, amazing, yummy restaurant) in Provo for those of you who live in Utah- it's a sustainable, environmentally conscience restaurant with up and coming chefs and thoughtful fresh dishes prepared in full or half courses in a quaint environment.  A must try for any date, ladies night, or meeting.

Wow I'm taking a long time to get to my point.  As we sat down for dinner, we had the opportunity to sit across the table from some amazing ladies and chat while we enjoyed our meal.  As we chatted I was reminded of the reason I wrote this blog in the first place.  We discussed why I started an etiquette blog and how I "knew so much about etiquette" which I still don't claim to be an expert at by any means.

It was refreshing to discuss this topic (among others) with strangers, listen to their opinions, and laugh over a good dinner.  As our ice cream melted atop our apple crustada, I reminisced about earlier days of publishing posts almost daily and how excited I was to get up in the morning to write to you...my readers.  Although I do believe there are times and seasons for all things, and I know this is not my season for daily posts, I do believe I still have valuable information to share.  I will make an effort to pour out my knowledge onto these digital pages and share what I think could be valuable.  I continue to enjoy the interaction I have with you via FB, Twitter, Pinterest (oh my, that's fun!) and especially via email.  Thank you for your loyalty.

That's my two cents.

A guide to using Facebook in a politically correct way

Over the past three plus years I have used Facebook as a way to reconnect with friends, keep in touch with people in my life, and share things that are personal to me in a convenient way; as well as to further my exposure to my blog.  I think most people would agree that Facebook makes things easy for you to share...but maybe too easy?

I did a segment a while back on Studio 5 that talked about "Facebook Etiquette" but in an ever-changing social media climate, things become obsolete very quickly, however, having good manners doesn't- which makes my job a little easier.

A few tips on "Facebook Etiquette" if we can call it that (WARNING- opinions follow- not rules):

• Be careful who you friend.  A vast majority of people out there have good intentions, but some don't, so have a guideline.  Mine is that I must have met them face to face and they must have been (or are currently) a part of my life somehow.  You don't have to accept every friend request you get- be selective.
• Everything can be shared.  Even with the best of intentions and privacy settings, if a friend chooses to share something that they have access to on your wall, you can't control it.  Bottom line is that you only have control over yourself.
• Be genuine but don't over share.  It's easy to write things on the end of a phone or computer when we don't have a physical audience of 600 people (or whatever your reach is on your FB profile).  When sharing something, be aware that people can see it, people can talk about it, people can (and probably will) judge it- it's just the way our society works (unfortunately to some degree).  There is nothing wrong with being genuine and sharing, but before you post- think to yourself, "is this an over share?"
• Pictures can be copied.  In my experience, this came back to me in a very real way (one that I got a great laugh out of though).  I had a friend print a pic of me from Facebook and use it in a white elephant gift exchange for a party I had.  It was cleverly done and one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen (helps that my husband's business partner was the one to open the photograph), however be aware that your photos can be downloaded and copied and you have no control over that once you've shared it.
• Remember that many businesses will look at your Facebook profile when considering whether to hire you or not.  If you've chosen to have business associates on your Facebook page then be aware that they have a peek into your life.
• Change is something to be aware of.  Facebook is always changing things, their newest change was to "Timeline" which I thought would be so great.  I could have a cover photo that was more unique and still have a profile pic that showed my face; but- I quickly realized that even with my privacy settings controlled to friends only, Facebook had allowed everything from the time I switched to it's new layout onward to be public- regardless of my settings.  Scary!
• To delete is permanent.  Again, being behind a computer screen or phone can give us courage that we wouldn't have in real life.  There are many reasons to delete people from our friend list, but be aware that they will know you've done it at some point or another most likely.  It's hurtful to the person who is deleted (having gone through it myself).  I've also been on the other end of deleting- but I try to be careful and have even apologized for it.  Like I said before, there are many valid reasons to remove people from your friend list, but think before acting.

It think that last point has been my main thought; THINK BEFORE ACTING.  It's all too easy to press a button and put something out there that isn't meant to be shared.  We can allow friends and family into our lives and experience the ups and downs with them- but use some restraint...please!  I've seen it happen to celebrities, business associates, and friends.  It's never too late to learn something new.  

Are good manners passé?

I came across the most fascinating article this morning in the NY Times that discusses a case where two gentlemen were sitting in a bar and two ladies were standing (no seats available).  The employees asked the gentlemen to give up their seats to the ladies and one of the men was upset about being asked to give up his seat to a woman and took the case to court.  I would love for you to read this article...but I am curious as to your views on this subject.

The article goes into further speculation as to why manners could be on the decline.  Family dinners are less frequent, our world is more fast-paced, manners are insincere, etc.  I found these arguments to be most intriguing as my philosophy has always been that good manners can make others feel comfortable (when I'm doing it right-which I don't always accomplish) and don't alienate others or come across as insincere.

I do believe that teaching the next generation good manners and etiquette comes more from an example than from what we preach.  As most parents can attest, our children learn best from our actions and mimic what we do, not what we say we will do.  I personally think that we do live in a disrespectful world where manners and good taste have become eroded, where Beavis and Butthead have made a comeback by popular demand?  Seriously?  If that is any indication of the level of taste or class that we are accepting into our homes, then yes, I can see how manners would take a back seat in homes very quickly and respect would fly right out the window.

In a world where Sponge Bob rules (not that he hasn't gotten a giggle out of me...) it doesn't surprise me that our children speak disrespectfully to us and that we aren't too terribly shocked by it, or are even amused by it (although we have to take things with a grain of salt or else we'd go nuts as parents- I DO have a sense of humor people).

I guess my point is that I don't believe that manners come and go like the tide.  I believe they are like values.  I believe they are a constant in a person's life and make up part of their integrity.  Some of the comments in the article suggest that manners can be surface, and perhaps sometimes, holding back a comment or not honking the horn could be seen as "not being yourself" which is drilled into our heads that we must do in todays society to find our happiness, but what about self control?  What about restraint?  When do we learn those things?  Consideration for others?  I submit that these are crucial lessons that our future generation must learn and must learn early if they are to be successful and truly joyful.

The gift of empathy

Today I'm going to touch on bereavement which I have talked about before.  My grandfather passed away on Saturday after living a fulfilling life.  He was a WWII Veteran and a POW at the end of WWII.  I am very proud of my grandpa and although it saddens me that he is no longer with us, I know he's in a better place.

The process of grief is so individual and death is something you never "get over".  Yet, life still goes on.  I've heard from dear friends who have lost a mother, sister, child, etc.  that the thing that amazes them most is that the sun still rises, traffic still flows, people still go to work, even though their hearts are breaking and their worlds have come crashing down.  I think that is the most important thing to remember.  When someone you know has lost a loved one, even though carpool is still on for you, their lives are turned upside down and we can be respectful of that.

In using good manners, it's always best to keep it simple when talking to someone who is grieving.  It's a great skill to listen carefully to what they are saying and let them know how difficult you know it is for them.  Let them know you are thinking about them.  The most important thing above all is that you are genuine in what you say.  Make sure what you're saying comes from the heart and you'll most likely be OK.

Funerals are bittersweet occasions where families band together to honor a loved one.  This can be a time of great sadness or celebration; I've seen both.  Make sure you are doing your part to help others feel comfortable around you by following a few simple guidelines.

My two cents

Crowd flocks to palace for Royals first kiss

Britain Shows us how to move with class

Ooops! For those of you who have already read this post, I apologize for having the incorrect link before, here is the proper video.  Enjoy!

I slept during the actual event this morning unlike some of my friends, so I didn't watch the entire event. But I have watched several of the highlights. I enjoyed watching this mass of people calmly walking toward Buckingham Palace. Having been down that road, I can appreciate the enormity of the crowd and as I was watching, I couldn't help but think that they were all being so polite as they were all vying for a spot to watch the new Royal couple kiss for the first time as man and wife in public. I wondered if, in America, we would all be so calm and accommodating to others while trying to get the best view. Just as I was wondering that to myself, Matt Lauer said it out loud. Here is the clip. Great commentary on civility, good manners, patience, and looking out for others around you. Great Britain happens to be a country that, when I visit, I admire for their hospitality and polite nature. They get their point across without infringing it on others.  What class!

Do visuals help?

This is the best article from iVillage that I had to share- explains perfectly how I feel, that it's just a matter of common sense.

Not to get graphic here, but people still don't seem to get what I'm saying so I'm going to lay it out as simply as I possibly can- in pictures:

I find this to be perfectly acceptable.  I personally would throw a burp cloth or something over myself, but that's ME, and I have that right.  But there is nothing wrong with this picture except the guy giving her an odd look, and in that case he can move, she isn't doing anything to make him feel uncomfortable because she's covered in my opinion.

Not so much.  If she were secluded in her backyard, absolutely, if she were in a park with other families, nope.  I think it's not ok for her to bare her fully naked breast, she could have left a couple buttons done, or used a blanket even on the other shoulder away from her baby to shield herself or others to help make the situation a little more comfortable.  

Now, I'm not a lactation specialist, never have I claimed to be an Etiquette "expert" just an etiquette blogger who likes good manners, although I fail at times, I try my hardest and do know both what it's like to be mom of young children and now a mother of teenagers- think about that when you go to attack...how are these babies you are so quick to protect going to feel about seeing other women bare their breasts when their hormones are raging?  Just think, maybe don't jump to conclusions until you're there.

Some phone tips

As I've had many readers email me about different kinds of phone etiquette, I thought I'd tackle one area in particular today.

I was teaching an etiquette class to the most adorable group of 8 year olds the other day and we talked about how to answer the phone. They giggled as I acted out holding the phone three inches away from my head as I screamed for the person who was to answer the pretend phone call- ahh, but how true it is that this happens in my house (much to my disappointment every time).

I've discussed childrens manners before and included a section on phone manners, but I'm going to extend this to the adults as well. These seem like common sense, but I often need reminders about these things to keep me on the right track where this seemingly small area is concerned. The phone can often be your first introduction to people whether in business or personal life, so it's important to make a good first impression:

1. Speak slowly when giving your phone number and name on a voicemail. Make sure you spell anything that may be misheard. Leave your phone number at the beginning of your voicemail and say it twice- the person listening may want to quickly return your phone call without listening to a lengthy message.
2. Listen more than you speak.
3. Always remember your please and thank you's!

Dear Distracted shopper...

It was a little annoying (but mostly entertaining) to watch you try and purchase your items at the self check out last night. I can't decide if my favorite part was your yelling at all of us in the store, "does anyone speak Spanish?" as you tried to navigate your way through the self checkout line- after you had distractedly hit the "en espanol" button while talking on your cell phone- or if it was that even after you realized that an employee had come over to try and help you (at my request), you continued to talk on the phone and push the buttons in spanish to complete your transaction!

In the future, could you please do us all a favor and please get off your phone as you can clearly not multitask? We, the people patiently waiting behind you in line for 10 minutes, would greatly appreciate it if you, and those like you, who talk on your cell phones while trying to complete a sales transaction would realize that you are dealing with either a human being (the sales clerk) or a complicated machine (obviously complicated enough that it needed your undivided attention).

I can't wait until we meet again in hopes that your manners have improved and/or that you have learned to speak Spanish.

Sincerely,

Back by popular demand

I got a Facebook wall post today requesting that I start posting again- so here I am. I have resolved to do better even if I'm not feeling well physically, because 1. I can do this job in my PJ's and 2. I love you guys! I so enjoy my readership here and I am excited for what 2010 holds for The Pink Teapot.

Tonight I just want to write a small reminder about apologies. We had an incident today in our home (there are a lot of those with four ladies in the house) and this incident required an apology on the part of one of my children. I encouraged her to seek out the other individual, apologize, and then take the necessary steps to correct what she had done to the best of her ability (sometimes we can't fix what we've broken, darn it!)- She did take my advice and has gone the extra mile with notes intended and gifts planned.

My husband made a good comment that I thought I'd leave with you all: After I had suggested that she take some of her hard-earned babysitting money and buy a gift for the offended party, my lover said that we ought to be careful in buying gifts to say "I'm sorry" and expect that the gift is the apology, rather than the amended behavior or what have you. I thought it was a good point; although I love giving gifts for any reason, it's always good to remember that making things right is more important than flowers (but not chocolate- lets be clear).

I hope my girls learn the hard lessons the "easy way" if that's possible for them- I hate knowing that they are facing all of these tough situations, awkward pauses, curt smiles, back-biting, and all the other fun things that come along with becoming a woman. I can only hope that one piece of their moral armor that I place on their bodies every day is good manners.

Happy New Year everyone- it's gonna be fantastic!