The age of entitlement

I don't want to ramble (ha), but I wanted to address something that has been bothering me for some time.  

The feeling or assurance that someone owes you something just because you walk on the earth is frightening to me.  I have heard justifications for many things that are flat out wrong, but the most amazing part of it is that somehow (especially our teens and younger adults) seem to think it's okay to justify why they did something stupid by using the quip, "You deserved it" or "It's your fault". 

This post was prompted by a discussion we had with our oldest child (15 going on ??- depends on the day) but he's smarter than we are, he knows much more, and has obviously had life experience to teach him all he needs to know.  

As I sat and listened to him last night go on about this and that (regarding us and our parenting; we're SO oppressive), I thought:  this is a common theme I am seeing more and more; excuses for bad behavior pointed at others rather than at one's self.  

I am not a parent who thinks that I have done anywhere near a perfect job.  I mess up a lot.  I say I'm sorry A LOT.  But what baffles me in general and not always concerning my child/children but more in society is that this behavior is more common than we'd like to think.  

I don't think the welfare programs and other government funded programs would be taken advantage of the way they are if that sense of entitlement, "you owe us something, or everything" attitude were less rampant.  

I didn't have a perfect childhood, no one did.  I don't believe however that my problems are someone else's fault.  Most of the time I'm trying to figure out what I did to either contribute or cause a problem (although I've learned that some people will just take advantage of you if they have the chance no matter what).  

I found myself talking to my husband Sunday night about this very topic (which is wide spread and led to other side topics) but I've come to realize that being pliable, changeable for the good isn't a bad thing, if you know who you are in the first place and I think sometimes with all the distractions that we have in our lives, we ignore who we are, push that person aside, in order not to deal with the tough things in life.  

All I can do is hope that I am teaching my children to take responsibility for their own actions, instead of playing the blame game (which is so much easier to do and such a cop out).  We are responsible for ourselves and our choices, good and bad.  I've made plenty of both.  

As my son pointed out yesterday, "you're too open- you share too much with people mom; you're just going to get hurt".  I'd rather be open and share too much than have a wall 100 feet high letting no one in because I feel like I'm better than another or afraid of getting hurt.  I like to relate to people.  I know I have a lot of growing to do, but I'm glad that I have a strong sense of self (even with my many insecurities-at least I know what they are and am willing to work on them).  If we can be honest with ourselves, we will stop pointing the finger at others in blame, but instead take inventory of ourselves and how we can do better, be better.  

My goal is to be more teachable, more humble, more forgiving, less judgmental (especially of myself), and open myself up to getting hurt but also opening myself up in hopes of great things to come.  Knowing my divine identity and that THIS is who I was meant to be (minus a few kinks), helps me move forward not with a sense of entitlement, but a sense of hope and humility- the enemies of entitlement. 

My two cents

You son of a gun!

In my teens, I had made myself a promise that I wasn't going to use swear words as a part of my vocabulary.  I remembered thinking that it dulled my senses, made me feel badly, and that it might appear to others that I didn't have the expansive vocabulary to properly express myself (which- lets face it- if you know me...I never have a shortage of words to use).  I kept that promise....until recently.

In the last year or so, I have found that when listening to people around me, it becomes difficult to shun those words from my mind...and once they're in your mind, it's not a far travel to your mouth.  My mom and dad used swear words when I was growing up- I never thought they didn't know how to communicate, this was just common place...but the bottom line is that your children will do what you do, not what you say.


My husband recently expressed (again) that he preferred I use my love of words to express my feelings, without using profanity.  I think that was a pivotal moment for me- I realized that no matter how justified I felt at the time, it made others around me (or had the potential of making others around me) uncomfortable.

I don't think this has anything to do with culture, religion, or creed.  I think it simply has to do with what is considered a swear word and as one wise woman in my neighborhood said, "if it goes in the toilet, it doesn't belong in your mouth." She specifically was referring to the word 'crap' and other words weren't an appropriate substitution for profanity in her opinion.

What I've learned is that I make mistakes (not a new lesson) but that people will love me anyway- however, I will gain more respect from those around me (or they may maintain their respect for me) if I  search my brain for the exact word that I want to use when expressing an opinion, frustration, joy, hurt, or any other emotion I might want to convey.

I did some research on this topic.  I will include a link here to some Op-Ed articles in the NY Times about profanity that are an interesting read.  I read several other papers and theories on this subject.  Many used the expletives within their article (counterproductive for my post) so I chose to leave the search to you.

My main point in writing this is to share that I truly believe, whether you have a friend who curses and you picked it up, our you just like to do it because...It does have an affect on those around you and can make others feel very uncomfortable; the ironic thing about my nasty little habit is that the person whom I had spent so much time with (who swore), was trying to stop, and by swearing myself, I was making that person uncomfortable.  I never imagined that their level of comfort (especially since they brought it around me) would be so contingent on my using appropriate language.  Side note:  They have never said this to me...it's just how I know they feel.

You never know how others view you...and I feel like what other people think about me is none of my business.  I mostly feel that way because I can't change anyone else, I can only change myself (and if they want to know who I really am, they can always ask).  I would never want to change anyone...whether you have a potty mouth or not, It's not my business.  My business is to let you know that it does affect how others perceive you and possibly their level of comfort in your presence.

Emily Post felt (well really Peggy Post feels) that one of the top 12 rudest behaviors include swearing in public, "Using four-letter words and other obscenities in public without any reservations- especially in the presence of children," ranks #2 on her 'Dirty Dozen: Today's Rudest Behaviors'.  I think it's interesting that people have felt for centuries that society has become more and more rude (by approximately 75% each time the poll was taken (I don't have an exact frequency but the first poll was in 1405).

Peggy also says, "Save your more colorful language for a private place."

My two cents

Love letter to Pinterest-Fancy Friday

In jest the other day I wrote a small love letter to Pinterest on my Facebook page that was intended purely for my enjoyment.  I was 'invited' to Pinterest several months ago, accepted the invitation, then had no idea how on earth to use it...so I left it alone.  After one of our regular extended family functions, my sis-in-law was kind enough to offer up a tutorial since I had expressed my frustration with this site I didn't understand but wanted to.  She bounced into the computer room and began the tour of Pinterest.  It was overwhelming at first and I didn't fully understand what she was saying to me.  She kept telling me, "you'll get it the more you try it".  I just nodded my head and smiled...assured that I would, in fact, figure it out the way I've figured out computers, cell phones, social media, blogging, cooking...oh let's see...just about everything I do...all by myself, in due time...and enough to get by.

Well, I did figure it out, perhaps a little too well.  I find myself looking at my mobile app when I'm waiting for kids in the car, waiting in line, waiting in offices, waiting for meetings to start, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I have found, however that I do need to remember that some of this waiting time used to be "thinking" time.  Thinking time?  I don't know if I know exactly what that is anymore...but I am trying to reacquaint myself with the notion.

Long story longer...my whole point is that Pinterest has an Etiquette section.  It's simple and clean, just like their premise, I like that.  It's here if you would like to check it out.  I did and I appreciate what they had to say.  I never mind reading etiquette rules or suggestions anywhere.  I can always learn.

By the by...if you're interested- my love letter is below.

My two cents.

Dear Pinterest,

Even though I love you and my feelings for you grow stronger every time I see you, I feel that you are trying to monopolize my time. I'm just not okay with that. You don't respect that I have other things I want to get done...like make the cute crafts I see you flaunting or cook the yummy food you tease me with. I feel like our love affair has been such a whirlwind, Rachel introduces us, we go out on our first date, explore the world, peruse cuisine of all types, even pick out decor for our dream home. I will discuss it with my husband Pinterest...but I don't know if there is room in this relationship for all three of us- one of you two has to go...the question is...

That's too much info for a first date!

We were recently the hosts of an all adult dinner party at our home, a proud accomplishment with four little ones.  It was enchanting for me as I watched my husband truly delight in our guests' company (as did I of course).  You know who you are and since you read my blog and you know I'm going to mention this, you shall remain nameless!

One of our dear friends related an experience she had while attending an event where she knew no one well.  She felt uncomfortable at the level of intimate conversation going on, not necessarily because these ladies were being so rude, but perhaps (in my opinion) because they were not considering her feelings or thoughts being someone who was new to this particular situation and could in no way keep up with the inside jokes, the casual sarcasm, or the flagrant disregard for anything private (it seemed).  Now I'm not lecturing these ladies by any means, there is nothing like a great group of girlfriends, however, when one is invited to be part of that for a time, that group needs to be sensitive to that one new person's needs, instead of just thinking of their own needs as a group.  Someone should to stand up for the little person, the new girl, and it's you...the one reading my blog.

Here are a couple of things to think about:

• When in mixed (newer) company, there are topics to avoid:  Sex and bodily functions, other people, intense politics, religious differences, and child rearing techniques.  You could also add to that list-insistent opinions stated as facts about any topic.  I will never forget sticking my whole leg (if you will) in my mouth once when I didn't know a family well at all, and talking about how I thought an establishment could do a little better in this area or that, and it turned out they owned it, nice Janine, nice.  I learned my lesson-listen far more than you speak, ask questions about the new person; find out what they're interested in, who they are, where they're from.  Most likely you'll find you will have things in common.  If not, at least you made an earnest effort and tried your best.  If you truly lack for conversation, try The Box Girls they specialize in conversation boxes for different events in your lives, what a fabulous idea!
• Think of others, not only of yourself.  At times I find that I will talk about my life or doings (when asked) in order to avoid making others feel as though they have to open up, break the ice, someone has to do it!  This is an art; one I have not perfected.  You have to gauge who that person is, how much they like to converse, how comfortable they are talking on "the first date" and subsequent dates, and read their body language and facial expressions.  We went out with friends recently who wanted to know all about a particular topic; they were fascinated by it.  I happily delved into this particular topic, but that's where I tried to monitor (maybe not successfully) talking too much and getting too passionate about my subject versus satisfying them in their curiosity.  We're going out again soon, so I guess they've given me another chance to work on that "art".
• There's always a way out; in this I firmly believe.  You are never stuck and here are some tips that I shared with my dear friend- some light and comedic, some matter-of-fact, and some- to the point:  "That's way too much information for a first date", "Wow, is it that late?  it's past my bedtime!", "That image is going to be in my head all next week, I'm not sure how I feel about that" (all using comedy to lighten the situation but hopefully get your point across-especially when sex is brought up inappropriately).  Here is another post I did on gossip that gives some great tips on how to handle a crowd when gossip arises. "I have a date with a bubble bath and have to go, thank you for inviting me", "It's been such a long day ('already'-if during the day) I am going to go home and take a breather, thank you", "Sorry to jet out of here so early, but I have a million things to do (who doesn't), thanks for the invite", "You ladies were so kind to include me, it's so nice to see close friends all together.  I have to get going I have_______ to do, thank you" Here I've given you several one liners that tactfully get you out of a situation and allow you to leave.  Make sure you convey your thanks, no matter how saucy the gathering got, to the hostess, not forgetting your manners.

We just have to remember that relationships with women are some of the most enriching (or can be) experiences that we will have in this life, as they were meant to be.  They are not to replace our spousal relationships, or our relationships with our children (should that be your stage or choice of life), but there is nothing like a good group of girlfriends.  For me, most of my girlfriends are scattered all over the place, a sprinkling, if you will.  I adore that.  I have all kinds of close, adorable, sophisticated, loving, kind, women in my life who enrich me and lift me up.  They make me a better person and that's the whole point.  I like acquaintances, but I've learned the difference between a true friend, a passing friend, and an acquaintance, all of whom are valid and okay, just different.  I remember an email coming around saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and do you know what makes me most grateful?  That most of my girlfriends are there for a lifetime.  I love you all, you know who you are; thank you for enriching my life and making me a better person.  

That's what women are meant to do in your life, so if that's not what's happening, change it up, think about what you're attracting to yourself, and fix it, if needs be.  Make friendships a priority, it's a sad thing indeed when people don't have that in their lives.

Love to all, I'm heading out of town so have a glorious spring weekend!

A good giggle

I do have a sense of humor, I hope that comes across in my posts and today I'm feeling light-hearted and wanted to share this with you all. I have worked in many different types of industries, mostly in fashion, but I did also work in the customer service industry quite a bit. I find the decline in service just appalling and this just about sums it up for me-I found this while waiting for my plane at my new favorite airport.