I can't take them anywhere!

I remember (not so long ago) my husband not wanting to go out to eat with our children because he felt like they couldn't behave.  They were young (four kids within 7 years) and although I thought well mannered, crazy nonetheless.

I remember him saying, "we are not taking you to a restaurant again until you can learn better manners" which they did and we did.

It's not always pleasant to sit next to the family with kids screaming for their dessert before their dinner, the kid who pops up from under your table when his is next to yours, or the constant badgering that goes on between parent and child while trying to enjoy a meal whether as a family, a couple, friends, or  quietly by yourself.

I worked very diligently with my children to teach them good manners and helped them to understand that eating out was a privilege, eating was a right.  Once that concept melded into their little minds, they began to look at it as a treat, much like I did when I was young.  I remember fancy dinners at lavish restaurants and being on my best behavior knowing that this was a privilege (although I always had to "use the restroom" to check it out...a fact my parents still tease me about because my girls do the same thing).

Here is an article from www.findababysitter.org about how to help your children have good manners while dining out.  It has great tips on making sure that you help them realize that this is a privilege for them and helps you take control.  It can be found HERE.  

My best advice is to let your children know your expectations ahead of time and don't be afraid to enforce the rules.  If they think you might be afraid to carry out your consequences (such as taking them out of the restaurant and going home), they will walk all over you.  Follow through and consistency are tremendously important in helping your children learn responsibility.  No one is perfect at it, least of all me, but we must get back on that proverbial horse and try, try again.

Dining manners matter-lunch at Tsunami

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to dine with my family at Tsunami in South Jordan, UT.  It's one of my favorite places to eat; we frequent the restaurant both as a couple and as a family.  We taped a Studio 5 segment that day that was geared toward eating out as a family and how to help our children learn good manners while dining.  The managers and servers were so accommodating and I wanted to publicly thank them for their support and generosity.

I loved having my kids tape the segment with me and I had the unique chance to have my mom with us (visiting from CA).  She is, after all, the reason that I have most of the knowledge that I do...she always emphasized good manners, especially while dining out.  I remember going to nice restaurants and practicing how to sit, which utensils to use, and how to behave.  I remember my brother being the first one in our family (younger brother) to try lobster at the tender age of 8.

Dining out is a privilege; food is a necessity.  I love that perspective.  I believe we should teach our children that they are privileged to dine out and should behave accordingly.

Thank you again to Tsunami, Kimber (General Manager), and Marcus (GM of the South Jordan location) for being such gracious hosts.  Thank you to Brooke and Darrin (the hosts of Studio 5).  They always have great input and ideas to help make the Manners Matter segment a success.


I feel blessed to have the chance to speak about something I love, and to write about it.  It isn't work when you love it.

My two cents

Cell phone manners

I wasn't aware (shamefully) that July among other things, is National Cell Phone Courtesy month.  Who knew?  KSL did their homework and was aware of this and asked me to pop on to their morning show to talk about using our manners with cell phone in hand (or sometimes not in hand).

Here is the link to the video interview which is a lot simpler sometimes than reading my lengthy posts.  I tend to impart a lot of information when I get excited about topics and TV is a good way for me to trim down the 'fat' if you will.

I hope you enjoy and I am enjoying the Summer with my family and seem to always be a little more inconsistent than usual in posting during the Summer months.  Forgive me, follow me on Twitter (140 characters is a good way for me to get the point across quickly), and Like my Facebook page (I update that often as well).  I love the blog and the soap box format it gives me to express my opinions, but with the segment on Studio 5 (a lot of links huh today huh), Facebook, Twitter, and last but certainly not least- my cute family; I get inundated with technology and sometimes have to take a break.

Here's to hoping you enjoy your Summer as well.  Off I go to lounge by the pool and pretend that my laundry doesn't need to be done!

P.S.  thought this pic was hilarious!!  Don't we all wish that some people would get into their own private "cell phone booth" once in a while?  TMI!

My two cents

You son of a gun!

In my teens, I had made myself a promise that I wasn't going to use swear words as a part of my vocabulary.  I remembered thinking that it dulled my senses, made me feel badly, and that it might appear to others that I didn't have the expansive vocabulary to properly express myself (which- lets face it- if you know me...I never have a shortage of words to use).  I kept that promise....until recently.

In the last year or so, I have found that when listening to people around me, it becomes difficult to shun those words from my mind...and once they're in your mind, it's not a far travel to your mouth.  My mom and dad used swear words when I was growing up- I never thought they didn't know how to communicate, this was just common place...but the bottom line is that your children will do what you do, not what you say.


My husband recently expressed (again) that he preferred I use my love of words to express my feelings, without using profanity.  I think that was a pivotal moment for me- I realized that no matter how justified I felt at the time, it made others around me (or had the potential of making others around me) uncomfortable.

I don't think this has anything to do with culture, religion, or creed.  I think it simply has to do with what is considered a swear word and as one wise woman in my neighborhood said, "if it goes in the toilet, it doesn't belong in your mouth." She specifically was referring to the word 'crap' and other words weren't an appropriate substitution for profanity in her opinion.

What I've learned is that I make mistakes (not a new lesson) but that people will love me anyway- however, I will gain more respect from those around me (or they may maintain their respect for me) if I  search my brain for the exact word that I want to use when expressing an opinion, frustration, joy, hurt, or any other emotion I might want to convey.

I did some research on this topic.  I will include a link here to some Op-Ed articles in the NY Times about profanity that are an interesting read.  I read several other papers and theories on this subject.  Many used the expletives within their article (counterproductive for my post) so I chose to leave the search to you.

My main point in writing this is to share that I truly believe, whether you have a friend who curses and you picked it up, our you just like to do it because...It does have an affect on those around you and can make others feel very uncomfortable; the ironic thing about my nasty little habit is that the person whom I had spent so much time with (who swore), was trying to stop, and by swearing myself, I was making that person uncomfortable.  I never imagined that their level of comfort (especially since they brought it around me) would be so contingent on my using appropriate language.  Side note:  They have never said this to me...it's just how I know they feel.

You never know how others view you...and I feel like what other people think about me is none of my business.  I mostly feel that way because I can't change anyone else, I can only change myself (and if they want to know who I really am, they can always ask).  I would never want to change anyone...whether you have a potty mouth or not, It's not my business.  My business is to let you know that it does affect how others perceive you and possibly their level of comfort in your presence.

Emily Post felt (well really Peggy Post feels) that one of the top 12 rudest behaviors include swearing in public, "Using four-letter words and other obscenities in public without any reservations- especially in the presence of children," ranks #2 on her 'Dirty Dozen: Today's Rudest Behaviors'.  I think it's interesting that people have felt for centuries that society has become more and more rude (by approximately 75% each time the poll was taken (I don't have an exact frequency but the first poll was in 1405).

Peggy also says, "Save your more colorful language for a private place."

My two cents

Come on baby...

I am SO that person who when I see a post on Facebook that has the beginning of a song title in it, I immediately begin singing the rest of the song (in my head and car).  So as you can imagine, when I wrote the title to this post, all I could think of afterward was "...light my fire!"  So annoying sometimes that I can't remember what happened two weeks ago on Tuesday but I can remember all the verses to most of the hymns and countless lyrics to songs.  Useless most of the time but I guess it comes in handy when trying to think of titles for posts on my blog.

Anywho...Cord and I decided to jump outside our box and have an adventure.  We attended an educational dinner (initially I thought it was going to be more of a dinner club) at Communal (the most charming, funky, amazing, yummy restaurant) in Provo for those of you who live in Utah- it's a sustainable, environmentally conscience restaurant with up and coming chefs and thoughtful fresh dishes prepared in full or half courses in a quaint environment.  A must try for any date, ladies night, or meeting.

Wow I'm taking a long time to get to my point.  As we sat down for dinner, we had the opportunity to sit across the table from some amazing ladies and chat while we enjoyed our meal.  As we chatted I was reminded of the reason I wrote this blog in the first place.  We discussed why I started an etiquette blog and how I "knew so much about etiquette" which I still don't claim to be an expert at by any means.

It was refreshing to discuss this topic (among others) with strangers, listen to their opinions, and laugh over a good dinner.  As our ice cream melted atop our apple crustada, I reminisced about earlier days of publishing posts almost daily and how excited I was to get up in the morning to write to you...my readers.  Although I do believe there are times and seasons for all things, and I know this is not my season for daily posts, I do believe I still have valuable information to share.  I will make an effort to pour out my knowledge onto these digital pages and share what I think could be valuable.  I continue to enjoy the interaction I have with you via FB, Twitter, Pinterest (oh my, that's fun!) and especially via email.  Thank you for your loyalty.

That's my two cents.

Tips for a Happy Turkey Day

We are all busy today either making dishes, traveling, or spending time with loved ones.  It's a time to be grateful for what we have.  In reflecting upon the things we do have, we can also be aware of how we can make those around us the happiest and be as considerate as possible during this busy holiday season.

-consider your dress.  If you are attending someone's home, step it up a notch, it shows respect for your host letting them know that you appreciate all the effort they went to on your behalf.

-Say thanks.  Of course we will all say this during the meal, after, many times perhaps.  But remembering to write a note, a text (if you must-at the least) or a phone call after the fact to let them know how much you appreciate all the work they went to, is so appreciated and thoughtful.

-Be punctual.  Arrive and leave on time.  When your host tells you the time to arrive, pay attention and respect it.  There is a reason they have told you that time and it shows respect to be punctual.  We all run into traffic, snags with family, work, etc.  But if you do, call to let them know you are running behind and that you will be there shortly.  Know when it's time to leave.  If you are staying at your hosts home, agree ahead of time when you will be leaving and don't overstay your welcome, no matter how badly your host begs...there's always next time.  It's better to be wanted than to overstay your welcome.

-Avoid awkward and painful topics- especially in families.  This isn't family therapy.  It's not the time to talk about how you wish mom hadn't worked when you were little.  It's a time to talk about what you're grateful for and leave your problems at the door with your coat.  Pick another time to talk about things that are heavy, group gatherings are not the time.

-Offer to help clean up.  Most of the time the host has gone to a lot of work to prepare; cleaning, cooking, etc.  Offer to pitch in and do some dishes.  Roll up your sleeves and dig in.

FOR THE HOST:

-Assign tasks.  Don't be afraid to ask people to bring something.  Or if you are cooking the meal yourself, have your guests help with taking coats, setting the table, lighting candles, last minute details.

-Leave distractions in your room or office.  This is not the time to text or have the game on.  Turn off the TV and FB.  Be the gracious host I know you can be and enjoy the guests you have invited over, sit down, be engaging, ask more questions and listen more than you talk.

-Be aware and flexible.  If you are inviting a larger group of people and someone says, "I would come but Jim is spending the holiday alone."- say, "well bring him with you!"  Be gracious, it never hurts to invite one more, but you will always regret not doing so.

-Say thank you.  Your guests if you look around, are your loved ones.  Thank them for taking the time and effort to come and share time with you and loving you.  Always thank them.

-Have a flexible menu.  You may have gluten free requests, people who want to bring things even when you have the entire menu planned.  Be prepared to allow for those things and don't be so stringent.  Accept all offers for special diet accommodations.


Above all the holidays are a time to celebrate, to forgive, to come together.  I personally am not one who likes to hold grudges, have arguments that I cannot resolve, or problems that I cannot fix.  I love the feeling of peace and joy that the holiday season brings knowing that I can come together with as many loved ones who will have me and celebrate all that we have to be grateful for.

I hope that this holiday season brings all of you the same peace and joy and I look forward to bringing you some more fun tidbits here and there as the months continue.

My two cents.

Are good manners passé?

I came across the most fascinating article this morning in the NY Times that discusses a case where two gentlemen were sitting in a bar and two ladies were standing (no seats available).  The employees asked the gentlemen to give up their seats to the ladies and one of the men was upset about being asked to give up his seat to a woman and took the case to court.  I would love for you to read this article...but I am curious as to your views on this subject.

The article goes into further speculation as to why manners could be on the decline.  Family dinners are less frequent, our world is more fast-paced, manners are insincere, etc.  I found these arguments to be most intriguing as my philosophy has always been that good manners can make others feel comfortable (when I'm doing it right-which I don't always accomplish) and don't alienate others or come across as insincere.

I do believe that teaching the next generation good manners and etiquette comes more from an example than from what we preach.  As most parents can attest, our children learn best from our actions and mimic what we do, not what we say we will do.  I personally think that we do live in a disrespectful world where manners and good taste have become eroded, where Beavis and Butthead have made a comeback by popular demand?  Seriously?  If that is any indication of the level of taste or class that we are accepting into our homes, then yes, I can see how manners would take a back seat in homes very quickly and respect would fly right out the window.

In a world where Sponge Bob rules (not that he hasn't gotten a giggle out of me...) it doesn't surprise me that our children speak disrespectfully to us and that we aren't too terribly shocked by it, or are even amused by it (although we have to take things with a grain of salt or else we'd go nuts as parents- I DO have a sense of humor people).

I guess my point is that I don't believe that manners come and go like the tide.  I believe they are like values.  I believe they are a constant in a person's life and make up part of their integrity.  Some of the comments in the article suggest that manners can be surface, and perhaps sometimes, holding back a comment or not honking the horn could be seen as "not being yourself" which is drilled into our heads that we must do in todays society to find our happiness, but what about self control?  What about restraint?  When do we learn those things?  Consideration for others?  I submit that these are crucial lessons that our future generation must learn and must learn early if they are to be successful and truly joyful.

The wonderful world of Tipping-Part 1

Tips can be a tricky...do you pay your hairdresser a flat rate or percentage?  When do you give the valet his tip, before you walk in to your venue, when you are leaving, or both?  Here are a few suggestions on how to tip properly:

• Be discrete.  There is no need to flash your cash if you're a big tipper.
• It is customary to tip on the pre-taxed amount of the bill.
• When in doubt about tipping, ask in advance.
• Money is the tip of choice, but in some cases a small gift, usually during the holidays can be substituted.

Restaurants and Bars:

Waiters- 15% is standard, in large cities 15-20% is standard.  Exceptions to the 15-20% rule include:

• When a restaurant is self serve- 10% is customary and is a thank you for preparing drinks and cleaning up your table
• When the waiter has been especially accommodating- you may wish to add an additional percentage or 2-5$ to your 20%
• When a gratuity has already been added to the bill- then there is no need to give a tip.
• When your stay at a crowded restaurant is lengthy- Most restaurants count on turning tables at a fairly quick rate.  Taking more time at a table means losing money for the restaurant and the server.  Tacking on an extra 10-15% will express your thanks for being allowed to linger.

Bartenders

• As you wait for a table, you can either pay for your drinks as you order or ask the bartender to run a tab, with will be added to your dinner bill.  In either case, leave a tip for the bartender when you are told that your table is ready.  in small towns 1$ per drink is fine.  
• If you're at a bar simply to have a drink, tip between 15-20% at higher end if the bartender has run a tab for you, if he's thrown in a free drink or two, add a couple of extra dollars to your tip.

Wine Stewards

• A wine steward ( in upscale restaurants, the sommilier if a man, sommeliere if a woman) is tipped 15-20% of the wine bill, but only if he or she was especially attentive.  If the the steward merely took your order and poured your first glass of wine, you might leave 10-15%, though no tip is required.
• Customers usually tip a wine steward in cash at the end of the meal but in some restaurants you might find a wine-tip line on the credit card bill.  And take note:When tipping a wine steward, tip your waiter only for the food portion of your bill.

Valet Attendants

• Tip the parking attendants 2$ in smaller cities and 3-5$ in larger cities.  Give the tip when the car is brought to you, not when you arrive.

In Transit

At Airports

• Curbside baggage checker, skycap, or airline porter.  The standard is 1$ to 2$ per bag- a little more if the bag is very heavy.
• Wheelchair attendant.  A 2-5$ tip is standard.  If the attendant goes the extra mile, such as pushing the wheelchair from one end of the large airport to the other, tip on the higher end or even more.
• Hotel shuttle bus driver.  If the driver helps you with your baggage, tip no less than 1$ per bag.
• Workers in the airport. Tip as you would servers in other restaurants.

On Trains

• Dining or club car waiter. 15-20%
• Waiter delivering to sleeping car-15-20%
• Redcap or train porter-1$ per bag plus 1$ added to the total.
• Sleeping car porter-2$ per person per night.

In Taxis, Private Cars, or Limousines

• Taxis- generally about 20% of the fare, but in large cities you should tip a minimum of 1$.  If a taxi driver helps with your luggage or packages, a slightly larger tip is always in order; in general 1$ per bag.  Try to avoid using large bills, especially during short rides or shift changes, when drivers aren't likely to have change.
• For car and Limousine services, the easiest way to top is to tell the service to add the gratuity to the bill, and often times this is done automatically. You may do this when you request the service.  In larger cities, the standard tip is about 20%; in smaller cities, 15%.  When a gratuity is included in the fee, there's no need to tip more.

On Cruises 

Tips at sea

• A good rule is to allow about 15% of your fare for tipping.  Divide about half of this allowance between the cabin and dining-room stewards and distribute the rest to others who served you.
• Cabin Stewards, Dining Room Stewards, and Waiters should receive about 3$ per day minimum.  Put tips in separately addressed envelopes and hand them to each person at the end of the cruise with a note of thanks if you wish.
• Lounge and bar Stewards- 15-20% at the time of service.  
• Wine Steward- 15-20% Each time you use his services.
• Hairdressers, manicurists, and other service people are tipped at the same rate as on land (that will be in part two)
• Like train and airport porters-1$ per bag at the time of service
• On longer cruises consider tipping weekly and find a day that works for you to be consistent.  
• Do not tip the ships officers, but do thank them for their courtesy and hospitality if you cross paths or happen to go to a captains dinner.  Do not tip the ships doctor.

Next post I will talk about Hotels, service industry professionals, Health care providers, Home delivery services, Residential Building Personnel, and other out- and about tipping.  I also have a post about holiday tipping that I will refer you to.  

Fancy Friday- the letters b and d

I don't want everyone thinking that this is Sesame Street and that we are going to sponsor the number 4 next.  I just had to tell you that something came back to me this last week and I thought that was Fancy!  I do classes or seminars that are geared toward the youth in helping them be better at dating with manners, dining with manners, and using technology with manners.  It's usually done in a dinner style and it's worked very well in the past.  The last occasion on which I had an opportunity to present my class, there were some adults there and it just so happened that a few of them owned their own businesses (successful ones at that).  I taught the class- geared at the youth- but I always hope that whatever I teach will benefit whomever attends.

About a week ago, one of those adults who also happened to be a business owner, came up to me and said, "hey, I used that 'B' and 'D' thing you taught us"- I was excited that he had occasion to use it and now I will explain it, as I have before here:

It is simply that your Bread plate will always be on your left as your left hand makes a 'b' and your Drink will always be on your right as your right hand makes a 'd'.  It's a simple trick to distinguish your drink or bread plate from that of the person sitting next to you, especially in a round table setting, or a long dining table like this:

I hope you find this refresher helpful and not too fancy.  I've found it helpful in many situations and it was so fantastic to hear back that the trick worked for someone else as well.

That's my two cents.

No elbows (or cell phones) at the table...

This past Friday night, my husband and I went on our traditional date night.  We had a lovely evening shopping and we ended with dinner.  While at dinner, our kids called (separately) more than once.  After the fourth or fifth call (I stopped counting), my husband asked if it was okay for him to just take the call at the table.  I gasped and said, "of course not!" to which he replied, "just checking".  I ran in and out of the restaurant, which was distracting and rude also I'm sure, to field calls about all kinds of nonsense- but at the end of the night, we were able to enjoy dessert "call free".

This incident did spark conversation between my husband and me about what is appropriate at the table and what isn't.  We both try very diligently to keep our cell phones put away and the only calls we will take are from our children while we are out together- but even then, and in a noisy restaurant, should you be taking calls at the table?  My answer is No!  Calls should be handled in private because even when you think you are having a "private" conversation, one tends to raise their voice while sharing comments to the person on the other end of the phone, so whether you intend it or not, it's not a private conversation and others are forced to listen to you speak about whatever.

My other pet peeve that I'm going to rant about is texting or talking on the phone while having face-to-face time.  I find it so rude that someone will answer endless phone calls while spending time with me (I mostly let it go to voicemail-kids and hubby excepted, and I can get back to them later).  I think if you are with someone you should love the one you're with and keep the cell phone usage, whether to text or talk, to a minimum.

On a separate note, I have had so many emails about my choice not to accept comments anymore on this blog.  I have to reiterate that it's not because of the negative feedback (I welcome naysayers)- it's because I am getting more advertisements than comments.  I have found my blog to be more of a library reference and I have also found that if people disagree (or agree) they will Facebook me or email me and let me know, so moderating the comments just becomes a waste of time.

I can't wait to get back into the blogging swing of things when my kiddles start school next week- enjoy the fleeting days of Summer!

Fancy Fridays- how many untensils can you have?

Today my "fancy Friday" is about fancy place settings. We've talked about every day settings, but did you know that you can have up to three forks, three spoons, two knives, three plates, four glasses (three technically + one cup and saucer)...this can be confusing. You can click on the link below to enlarge it and see exactly what each utensil and dish is for! Happy Friday!

Butter, butter, who's got the butter!

Ever since I can remember, I have had the privilege of setting the table for every major holiday. This tradition is something I am going to pass along to my daughters and I am grateful for my mother, who taught me how to set a beautiful table and let me use all her fine china and crystal because I was more precious to her than any fine possessions.

I had a request to write about table settings (place settings). This subject was one I was planning on covering at some point, but I'm happy to oblige requests. I have included a diagram for your convenience and then I'll have some tips for you.


I had a friend graciously share her trick with me after my confusion at a dinner party where we were sitting at a round table. There isn't much personal space at a round table and therefore it's very difficult to tell who's drink is who's and who's bread is who's. Here's a sure way to tell every time: Make the "okay" sign with both hands and your left hand will form a "b" bread, and your right hand, a "d" drink. Bread on your left, drink on your right (you can do this discreetly under the table).

Utensils- Start from the outside and work your way in. Usually the big spoon is for soup, the big fork is for dinner, and any utensils above the plate are for dessert.When a utensil has been used, it never goes back on the table. When you're taking a break, rest your fork and knife entirely on the plate, facing each other at "8 o'clock" and "4 o'clock". When you are finished, place them diagonally on the plate, side by side, with the handles at "4 o'clock". The knife blade should face the center of the plate, not point out toward another guest (an ancient sign of aggression) that is also good to remember when setting a table-knife blade in. You can print out this table setting guide and place it on the inside of a cupboard until it's easy to remember.

Servers will usually serve from the left and remove from the right. You may indicate that you're ready to order by simply closing your menu and placing it in front of you. You may indicate you are finished with your meal as indicated above, with your utensils and slightly moving your plate away from you. If you are leaving the table but are planning to return, place your napkin in the chair; if you are finished with your meal and are leaving the table, place your napkin on your left-next to your plate, indicating that you are finished. If you are in a home, wait for the host/hostess to place their napkin before placing yours-if in doubt, always wait for the host/hostess in a home for direction and do what they do. If you are in a restaurant, you may place your napkin in your lap immediately after being seated.

Other tidbits- You may rest your forearms on the table.  If you want to rest your elbows on the table, this is acceptable as long as you're not using them as a way to get food into your mouth faster.  Best rule of thumb is if you're eating, elbows off, if you're talking, elbows on or elbows okay.  Again-if you must answer your cell phone, excuse yourself from the table if at all possible. Remember, at a dinner party, there are many people there; don't monopolize the conversation: always listen more than you are talking. Be attentive and polite to everyone at the table and if there is someone you don't know and the host/hostess has forgotten to introduce everyone, introduce yourself to anyone you don't know.

This barely scratches the surface of table etiquette/dining manners, but I hope this is helpful. I'm sure I'll write about it again and the videos to the left are actually very helpful even though they're more than fifty years old, manners never go out of style!