Help my best friend and her family

My best friend's husband was recently diagnosed with Lyme disease.  Not only is this close to my heart because I love this family, but my mother in law has Lyme disease and it has crippled her (physically, not emotionally thank goodness).  My mother in law has had Lyme for over 19 years and I've seen its devastating affects on it's victims first hand.  I plead with you to contribute whatever you can to help Jon get the treatment he needs that is not covered by insurance.  Many insurance companies consider anything other than antibiotics "alternative" and although I'm sure he will continue to be on antibiotics, it runs much deeper.  They have four amazing and beautiful children and Eddislynn (Ed) runs a million miles an hour trying to raise her family.  Any and all donations and well wishes are appreciated. 

Thank you my readers.  You're the best!

Janine

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A mom of older kids

Today I looked on Facebook.  Not a new thing.  But today I cried as I read a post that so perfectly described what I'm going through.  So when you write to me and tell me you miss my posts about manners, take a moment and read this, it's what I'm going through.

http://www.homesanctuary.com/rachelanne/2014/02/dear-lonely-mom-of-older-kids.html

What do I mean?

My Madelyn woke up this morning and stated that snow hated her and that it was meant for January, not MAY!  She very emphatically stated that she was ready for Summer; she's not alone in that sentiment.

Like one of my followers (and friends) said this morning, "It's May, time for @thepinkteapot to blog..."

I appreciate being missed.  I didn't realize it had been a month since I last posted, but it's been a crazy month with Spring break, family issues, and just LIFE.  

I am excited for the warm weather, for the pool to be opened (hopefully this week...sans snow), and for the kids to be out of school (although I don't know that I am as excited as they are).  

My next segment for KSL has to do with Summer and family.  I am curious and will be asking for input on my FB fan page.

I am dancing around a subject here, actually running away from it.  I find this blog to be cathartic in many ways and feel that this is a venue where I may share whatever I deem appropriate.  

I will not go into details for privacy's sake...but suffice it to say that I had a health scare with someone close to me.  My initial reaction (before going to be by their side in another state) was to post something simple on FB asking for prayers.  I believe in the power of prayer. 

Five minutes later I got a call from someone else close to this person (but with no greater say in caring for or nurturing this person) telling me to take down the post, it was too private and/or too soon to say anything.  I respect and love this person and did what was asked.  After, not very long after, I consulted my wise husband.  He told me that in this case, prayers and a general note was in order (and he's never on FB and is very private).  I felt the same way; power in numbers.  Blessings came from that five minutes and I believe this loved one was helped and blessed in part due to my gift of over-sharing. 

The part I resented was being told what I could and could not post on FB that directly affects my life.  Other people's business is other people's business- but this was mine.  I ended up asking the loved one who was ill if they had a problem with my post; they did not at all and appreciated the effort.

 Instead of being angry that perhaps some micromanaging had taken place (and some dominion that was unnecessary and inappropriate), I had allowed it.  

I shortly after that chose to assert myself and let that person know how I felt about things like that in general.  In this particular case, my FB rule still applies: if you wouldn't tell it to an acquaintance, don't tell it on FB.  This is something I would tell an acquaintance, and have, and since I'm the etiquette blogger (although not an expert)- I might know what I'm talking about sometimes.  I still have the right to be my own person and make my own decisions as an adult and be treated with respect.

Taking down that post was frustrating and I felt belittled and scolded.  I chose to feel that way.  No one can make me feel inferior without my consent; and I gave it.

In the end, I will remember to stand up for what I believe is right, regardless of what others may say or do; that's integrity and courage.  It's important to remind ourselves that we have those qualities or the potential to develop them as we strive to stand our ground.  We need not be aggressive, but being assertive is the right thing to do.  I have enough passive agressive people in my life...I won't be another one.

Forgiveness begins with me

I have a firm belief that we are the kindest to those around us (generally speaking) whom we do not know well.  "Put your game face on", "Protect yourself".  I believe it's about self-preservation as well as insecurity as to what others might think of us.

I have found in the last 17 years though being a wife and a parent that the ones who matter most are the ones we are closest to.  We do not choose our blood relatives, but when it comes down to the wire, blood really is thicker than water.  I realize by breaching this topic, others may not agree and have chosen "alternative families".  I am not judging or condemning that.  I am simply stating that kindness begins with us and those who reside in our inner circle.  If we are unkind to family members, how genuine is our kindness to others?  I find it difficult sometimes to be kind every second of every hour of every day to my family because they are always around.

I think forgiveness on our part is something everyone is worthy of.  But we must practice it with those closest to us so that we can extend that great love to others.

We tend to be the harshest and most judgmental about our family members; knowing their weaknesses, seeing them often, perhaps blaming them for our character flaws because we are related to them and there may be past wounds that have yet to heal.

I believe that if we cannot truly forgive our family, we will have a much more difficult time forgiving others.

I simply ask and challenge you to have the courage to forgive those around you.  This begins with an honest look at what part you may have played in contributing to the (perhaps) fragile state of your relationship.  There are always three sides to every story: My side, your side, and the truth.  We all live in some form of altered reality and tell ourselves what we want to hear.

There are people I have absolutely no desire to allow into my life because of past experiences, but if I allow hatred, bitterness, or anger to dictate my actions, I am the one who pays the ultimate price.

Try to fix what you can: first in your own family relationships, then branching out to others.  When we have wronged someone, we should be honest about it.  I've always said that just because you've been hit by a train, doesn't mean you have to stand on the tracks waiting for it to happen again, but does that mean that if we see that same person who ran us over on those tracks, we should not try and help?  I believe true forgiveness is honesty, clarity, and compassion; even empathy.

You may not have the chance for closure on past relationships, but knowing you've done all you can and that you have truly forgiven: you are absolved and it no longer has anything to do with you.

Our biggest mistake (especially as women- but across the board) is holding on to what others have done and not accepting responsibility freely for our part.  I believe that in only concentrating on our part in a falling out, a hurt, a judgement, we have absolved ourselves of any wrong doing (in our heads).

We also justify our anger by blaming others for what they have done to us.  This is merely deflection and has no barring on our ability to forgive and move forward.

I think we have three main reasons we are angry at others:

1. They did something valid that hurt us or a loved one.
2. They did something that perhaps reminds us of past or current weaknesses in our own lives and deflecting that onto someone else is easier than dealing with the fact that we are not perfect.
3. We so badly want to believe we have done "the lesser wrong" and hold on to that anger in order to justify our own behavior.

Forgiveness is not easy.  Pride gets in our way too often; and so do other people.  We listen to idle gossip, we participate in it, we blame others for our own mistakes, we lie to ourselves justifying our own behavior, and on and on.

Being with my family this week helped me realize that it's the most difficult to be the kindest and most forgiving of those closest to us.  Have I been hurt?  Of course.  Does that mean I cannot forgive?  Absolutely not.  Am I to blame if I cannot forgive or hold a grudge?  Yes.  Is it my responsibility to try my upmost to right a wrong?  Without question.

Forgiveness is about us (and I personally believe that my Savior- Jesus Christ has a huge part in giving my anguish to Him).  Forgiveness doesn't have to be a two-way street, but we must be sure that our path is clear and no hazards lie in our way of letting things go.

Forgiveness is a choice, just like every other thing we deal with in life.  I am not saying that depression, homosexuality, addiction, illness, or any of the other things we deal with as human beings are choices...but how we deal with those things in our lives is a choice.  We can either have a positive attitude or a negative one.  That IS our choice.  Agency is a huge part of our accountability.  We can make our own choices.  We can CHOOSE to react with negativity or with kindness.

I grow weary of the plight: you hurt me and my anger is justified.  Seriously?  There comes a time when everyone must drop it, let it go, give it to the Savior, whatever your process is so that it no longer weighs you down into the gulf of misery and endless woe.

I truly believe "justified anger" is a tool that is used to bog us down.  We can either lift the weight, or keep it on top of us crying that this huge weight is there and that's why we are bitter, angry, vengeful, and all sorts of other things.

I will simply conclude with a short experience (yep- putting something very personal out there).  I was viciously attacked by someone with no courage.  They attempted to cause discord, ruin my reputation and standing, and who knows what else.  I cannot begin to imagine the kind of darkness that must dwell in the heart of the person who attacked my character.  I was most fortunate to have a very supportive family as well as supportive people who were the recipients of this "attack".  I put it in quotes because really, it was desperate.  It was vengeful.  That affects their hearts in the end, but it doesn't have to affect mine.  Unqualified accusations and attacks on my character make me sad.  But I am even more saddened by whomever would choose to go to such great lengths to "try" and ruin my reputation as a blogger, a mother, a wife, a person.

Whoever you are...I forgive you.  My heart truly breaks for your anger and sorrow.  Your attempts to try and ruin anything in my life were futile and unfounded.  I pray for you.  I truly cannot understand such vindictiveness; it's truly beyond my comprehension.  Perhaps, one day, if I have chosen the wrong path, I will be able to have empathy, but as of now I only have sympathy for your desperate actions.

Forgiveness begins with me and ends with me.  I will always love.  I do not hate one person in this world.  I may disagree, be a little sore from wounds inflicted, or wander with a lack of understanding; but I am truly grateful that HATE does not reside in my heart and pray it never will.

My two cents

Happy 200th Post!

I can't believe that this blog is 5 years old and I am now posting my 200th post!  I have shared many personal experiences as well as practical etiquette advice not only with you as a collective group, but have had so many wonderful personal experiences due to this blog.

I started this blog for me, to do have something all my own.  It's difficult to decide where I go from here.  Although it's an etiquette and manners blog, I feel that there is so much more to being a lady, a classy woman, than good manners.  j'adore fashion and all things elegant...but I can also shop at Target with the best of them!

"Cost and worth are very different things" quoted from one of my favorite movies "Confessions of a Shopaholic".  Probably because I can relate to Rebecca Bloomwood in SO many ways.

The world does feel better when I've just brought home bags of goodies, but then when I need a pick-me-up, I go shopping again.  I find it fascinating that in society, one who has the financial means to shop is considered eccentric, idolized, fun to watch.  But when there isn't the financial backing, it's a problem.  So interesting how society looks at those things.  I find it similar to eating...if you're thin you can eat whatever you want (if you have the disposition to not gain weight), but for those who do (I am one of them), we are looked at in a positive light as long as we stay thin, but if we gain weight, it's frowned upon and our eating habits are taken into question.

If we have a special flare for a particular thing, talent, whatever you want to call it; we will always have those who appreciate what we do and we will always have the haters, no matter how much we would like that not to be the case.

I have learned the following lessons, particularly in the last five years:

• You CANNOT control other people, you can only control yourself
• What others think about you is really none of your business
• The more success you have, the more people will not like you (true especially of women)
• Not everyone is going to like you
• Always follow the Golden Rule; it will not always work out how you would like, but at least you know you are treating others as you would want to be treated
• Forgiveness is within yourself, it has nothing to do with anybody else
• Sometimes the things that bother us the most about other people are because:  1.  We see those faults in ourselves 2. We have overcome those faults and it annoys us to see others not overcome them 3. We have had a bad experience with a particular trait that someone may possess and we have no trust or tolerance for their behavior  4. We are justifiably angry.  Often times the finger you are pointing at others needs to be turned right back around and pointed at yourself.
• I cannot and do not define myself by what my house looks like, my waist line, my children's hair,  or any other temporal thing, and have come to feel sad for those who do.  
• I have to be careful to not throw out the word "etiquette expert"(even though it's usually others who do that without my prompting) because it leaves me open for attack.
• I am not a self proclaimed anything...except a Daughter of God, a Wife to a truly amazing man, and a mother of four phenomenally talented and beautiful children.
• Success is not an external thing...and those who mistake that and brand their success with their "stuff" will just end up unhappy in the end; we must be joyful during our journey, not looking at the finish line.
• I've learned that I'm okay, and so is everybody else.  Not perfect, but okay, self assured, complete through Christ, at peace.

Those are all the things I can think of when I reflect back on this blog and the lessons I've learned from it specifically.  I have other life lessons I've learned but choose not to air any personal details (other than the ones I have shared in the past) because it's really only my business.  

I am grateful to all those who enjoy what I put out, whether in written form or on TV.  I am grateful that this blog has opened doors for me that I never thought would even be there.  I am excited for what has yet to come and hope that all of you will come along for the ride!

**oh, and I chose sunflowers because they are my favorite.  One of my favorite moments was stopping in a Sunflower field in the south of France and taking in the joy and glory of this wonderful flower that follows the sun; willing to bend and move in order to follow the light.  My aspiration.

My two cents

A love letter

Not an etiquette or manners topic.  Just something on my mind.  I really miss my best friend.  We laugh together, we cry together (mostly I cry, she listens because she's the strong one), we shop together, we eat lunch together, we work out problems together, we are best friends.

My best friend moved last August and I miss her.  It's like someone took my left hand and won't give it back.  I am left handed.  She is always warm where she lives now and I'm looking at the snow outside wishing we still lived three minutes away from each other.  One day I noticed I could even see my house from her back window.

My best friend keeps things to herself when I tell her something.  "In the vault" we call it.  I respect that.  I do the same for her.  We are strong in different ways for each other.  We are good examples for each other.  We can be silly, loud, quiet, serious, spiritual, it doesn't matter because we are best friends.

My mom always said if you can count the number of true friends you have on one or two hands by the end of your life, you have led a successful life.  I feel I can do this already.  I feel blessed.  I still have one best friend;  I don't have 16 or 28.  I am a lot to take on as a friend, but I give back even more.  I am a commitment, but I am committed.  Not everyone can handle me, but she can.

I love you, I miss you, I am grateful for you and grateful that we met and grateful to her for introducing us knowing we would be best friends.  She was right.

Love,

Janine

Are you LDS?

I was on Studio 5 this morning (I will link to the video when it becomes available) but was fascinated not only by the conversation that took place but by the comments afterward on Studio 5's Facebook page.  I was shocked to see how strongly people reacted for or against even talking about this, people saying "get over it", things like that.  

I wonder, if we don't care, why say anything at all?  The only topics I've ever commented on have been ones that I've actually had an opinion about.  The fact that there are comments means that it's something people feel differently about and have differing opinions on.  

My article for this segment was as follows:

Don't Assume:

Just because people live in Utah (or even in a city that is overwhelmingly LDS, don't assume the people you are speaking to are as well.

Don't be afraid:

Ask. Don't make it the first question that you ask after their name or an application they have to fill out to be a part of your life, but at some point in a conversation with someone new, ask them either if they are LDS or if they belong to an organized religion. If it doesn't come up in conversation, go back to rule #1.

Be careful with your words:

Most people have no idea what Mutual is, what a Ward is, or who a Stake President is, let alone all the other terms that may be unique to our religion. Be careful when speaking to people who are not of your faith that you don't use these words without explanation. I do believe this is a part of culture, not just a one day religion, so these words may naturally come up, but don't assume that the other person will know what you mean- so take the time to briefly explain- you might even have them respond with, "I know, I'm LDS" or " I know, I have Mormon friends" thus breaking the ice.

Be respectful and kind:

If the point of manners is to help those around us feel comfortable, then we must do all we can to make that happen. We should never pre-judge a person because they are or are not LDS. My children have friends who are LDS and friends who are not. They have good friends- period. Their friends have good families. Be careful not to exclude on the basis that someone believes different things than you do, whahetever side of the fence you may be on.

I don't think this applies to "Mormons" in Utah only.  This always applies.  I have found myself in as many situations traveling and outside of Utah using this advice as I have in this state (maybe more, in fact).  I find it so interesting that for a dull subject, or one that doesn't need to be spoken about, people have such strong words to share.  

I have never backed down from a conversation where my faith is questioned (in a hostile or a friendly manner), but misconceptions are the biggest enemy and if people don't think they are rampant...they need to open their eyes.  

I'm an open book.  Always have been, always will be.  But I don't believe in shoving my religion or beliefs down others throats.  I also don't believe in tip toeing around things.  I say things pretty much how they are (I say "pretty much" because I may choose a time that is appropriate or gage the temperature of my surroundings, but I think that's good manners no matter who you are or what you're talking about).  

Thank you Brooke, Darin, and Jane (and Chrissy) for allowing me the opportunity to speak my mind.  I have an opinion just like everyone else.  I am entitled to that.  The only thing that makes mine unique is that I come from the perspective of trying to help others feel comfortable in my presence as a presiding factor in how I behave; but anyone who knows me knows that this does not mean I will not stand up for my beliefs at all times, in all things, and in all places.

My two cents

Fancy Friday: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah?

Every year it becomes more and more complicated to wish someone glad tidings during this time of celebration for many cultures.  

I believe we must be sensitive to other's beliefs, however,  December 25th is Christmas for me and my family: a day to commemorate the birth of what Christians believe (as do I- being a Christian) was the day of Christ's birth on this earth; Christ being my Lord and Savior. 

Hanukkah is observed for eight nights and days, starting on the 25th day of Kislev according to the Hebrew calendar, which may occur at any time from late November to late December in the Gregorian calendar.  the Menorah has many symbolic meanings to the Jewish culture that are beautiful and spiritual.

Kwanzaa is a week-long celebration held in the United States (and more recently, Canada). The celebration honors African heritage in African-American culture, and is observed from December 26 to January 1, culminating in a feast and gift-giving.  Much more is said about Kwanzaa here that is profound and meaningful.  

My point in writing this post is to point out that we too easily get offended when one person says to another (perhaps of different beliefs) Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays.  I do not wish to take CHRIST out of Christmas, the very opposite.  This is a time for my family that is very sacred to me, that I love and cherish every year.  

I do realize (for all of you out there reading my blog) that this is an etiquette and manners blog, which is precisely why I am writing it.  I think Emily Post herself would roll over in her grave.  At no such time was there a belief that having good manners meant rolling over and playing dead so someone could walk all over us.  I certainly am tired of doing that and refuse to allow it any further in my life.  Call a spade a spade and lets keep it moving!

The fact that the White House called the Christmas Trees "Holiday Trees" this year is insulting.  The very symbolism of the tree is for Christmas.  Have A Menorah, symbols for Kwanzaa, different symbols for different cultures, but why call them Holiday trees when they are clearly Christmas trees?  Does someone think they are not offending anyone by calling them holiday trees?  I'm sad.  The green nature of the tree represents evergreen- everlasting life- Christ.  Missing the point? 

I simply wonder if we must be so politically correct all the time?  Yes, we do need to help others feel comfortable.  But the other day I was speaking with my husband about a specific ethnic group of people and I couldn't even remember what the newest PC name was to refer to them by.  

We did we become such and offended culture?  One where perhaps when we are in the wrong, we seek fault in another to help ourselves feel better.  My hubs was telling me about a HS basketball game the other day where a team beat another by some extraordinary number (107-2) and people were angry with the winning team for poor sportsmanship. 

We are in an age of entitlement.  I found it, I keep it.  You deserved it.  It's all about me.  I deserve a trophy for showing up.  

I believe this sense of entitlement not only contributes to the moral decay of our society, but prevents people from learning how to treat others kindly, have good manners, and just plain be good members of society.  

Please, during this time of year...no matter what you do or don't believe in; there is a special feeling in the air.  Take time to reflect upon your actions, not the actions of others, and see how you can improve. Respect others and don't worry about being offended so much.  Be proud of what you believe in.  

I find it so sad that we live in a world where someone takes offense in how we greet them during this time of year.  Find joy in the fact that they have beliefs wish them well.  Faith is a blessing, not a curse.

Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Be kind, be charitable, be sincere.

My two cents.

I'm Janine, I've been through a lot...and I'm a Mormon

We have gone through a LOT in the last 12 months.  I have learned a lot.  How I can do better and be better (a life long lesson) and many other things.  Here are some of the preparatory experiences I had to help me get to this place. **Warning**  if offended easily- skip this post.   

April- Son collapsed during basketball practice.  Raced to the ER.  Husband in Texas.  They had to restart his heart.  ER doc told him to return to normal activity (oops).  Had heart surgery in May.  Fixed the problem as much as it can be fixed.

August- T boned by a car running a red light while being distracted*.  Totaled our big Suburban like car.  Hurt a lot...various injuries, surgery for a family member in the car in the near future.  Family traumatized and my sweet 15yo doesn't want to drive...ever.

October- diagnosed with cancer (me).  Shocked, sad, numb.  Hopeful and not angry at God.  Surgery to remove the piece on my face (nice scar in the middle of my forehead (or will be a scar when it heals).  

I can't think of what else has happened.  I know there has been some other stuff...but frankly these our the top three in the last six months.  It's made me realize who my true friends are and who they aren't.  Thank you for reaching out true friends when life got hard...and I feel sad for those who were wolves in sheep clothing.  I'm Shocked frankly that people can't put aside whatever their stuff is and just be kind human beings.  I guess that's asking too much of some.  That is what can truly make us great; setting ourselves aside for others.  

I have learned that no matter how well you prepare yourself, things always hit you upside the head when you least expect it.  I've learned that the precious moments with my babies and kissing their faces (no matter how old) are moments I will treasure forever.  I've learned that I don't care if my house is clean or not.  I love it clean, but it doesn't make or break who I am.  I've learned I know who I am and while I know that is an eternal process, I can say with confidence that I know a lot about myself and I like me.  I have learned that caring about other people's stuff (negatively anyway) is a waste of my energy, spirit, and health.  I've learned that our time on this earth is just a speck.  I've learned that it takes far less energy to love than to hate.  

I am so thankful for my belief.  I believe I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and is aware of Janine.  I have a Savior who knows me better than I know myself and knows every single pain, disappointment, and heartache I go through.  I know that my family will continue past this life if I try to live my best life.  To learn more about what I believe and what keeps me from giving up...click here.  

This post has nothing to do with manners.  It's just a bit more about me.  I apologize if it comes across selfish.  I love what I do and it is never work because I love it.  Thank you for making my "job" so easy.

My two cents.

*texting?  No skid marks....