Excuse me?

I was asked a great question a few weeks ago and am finally getting around to answering it.  I am grateful that people often ask me questions about what they would do in a particular situation and I love trying to figure out what should happen.

In this particular instance, a wedding invite had been received and at the bottom it said, "registered at XYZ bank (paraphrased)."  I don't think that was any better than saying "cash only" or "cash preferred," in fact, it might be even more tacky.

Now listen, I live in a state where a lot of people get married, and my culture as a Mormon promotes marriage heavily- so I know I'm going to be invited to many weddings, etc.  I also understand that there is an element of convenience that is associated with including where one is registered for ease of the guests and to maximize what the couple receives (things they need and want).  But....big But... I do not think that this information should be included in an invitation (lets remember what an invitation is...a welcoming note to ask someone to join you for a special occasion, not a place to ask for stuff).

My amazing sis in law included information for her wedding without divulging this information in the classiest way I can think of: she included an insert that had a web address with their wedding website.  The website (which was really a host website for weddings, and I'm sure it was free or next to nothing to set up) included information on where to stay, directions to different events that revolved around the festivities, and it also happened to have a tab that you could click on if you were interested in getting them something from a store where they were registered.  I happened to use that link and buy Alissa and Jeff something that I thought they would both use and want.

The main beef I have with this is that you are telling others what they should get you...gift, money, or otherwise.  The fact that your family or you are spending an obscene amount of money to celebrate your wedding has nothing to do with your guests and the only reason they are there is to share in your joy...not to give you stuff.

We live in a technological age where there is no justification in including where you are registered in print.  I, however, got married in 1996 and there were not websites available to set up.  I simply refrained from putting where I was registered on my invite.  I still got things from my registry when people would call my family or my husband's family if they wanted to know where we were registered...key word being IF.

I think what people don't understand in this "All about me" era is that it really isn't all about them.  Manners and making others feel comfortable is so important.  How comfortable would you feel having a birthday party for yourself (as an adult) and writing a list of what you would like for gifts and including it with your invite to minimize what is brought that you don't want/need.

Bottom line is that we need more gratitude and less attitude.  I Love my one-liners (toot my own horn).
Please, please, please brides and grooms to be (and parents of the bride/groom)- buy a wedding etiquette book- preferably one that's been around for more than 5 years (could be in it's 5th addition in that time) and read it!  Here is a small section about invite do's and don'ts.

I'm curious to know what you've observed on other's invites or perhaps what you either plan to do, or have prepared for your own invites-good, bad, and ugly.  I am always learning and don't profess to know it all- but on this point I am firm.  No store (or bank) names should be printed on any piece of paper you send out with your wedding invitation.  

The exception to my rule would be a shower.  I still think it's more tasteful to include an insert and possibly a website or blog with this information- but if this is impossible- than I say "okay if you have to," but I still think that providing a phone number or email where your guests can obtain this information would be more appropriate.

My Two Cents

Crowd flocks to palace for Royals first kiss

Britain Shows us how to move with class

Ooops! For those of you who have already read this post, I apologize for having the incorrect link before, here is the proper video.  Enjoy!

I slept during the actual event this morning unlike some of my friends, so I didn't watch the entire event. But I have watched several of the highlights. I enjoyed watching this mass of people calmly walking toward Buckingham Palace. Having been down that road, I can appreciate the enormity of the crowd and as I was watching, I couldn't help but think that they were all being so polite as they were all vying for a spot to watch the new Royal couple kiss for the first time as man and wife in public. I wondered if, in America, we would all be so calm and accommodating to others while trying to get the best view. Just as I was wondering that to myself, Matt Lauer said it out loud. Here is the clip. Great commentary on civility, good manners, patience, and looking out for others around you. Great Britain happens to be a country that, when I visit, I admire for their hospitality and polite nature. They get their point across without infringing it on others.  What class!

We Are Family!

Organizing the first meeting of the parents is traditionally the responsibility of the groom's parents, but this may be altered according to circumstance. The bride and groom should take part in helping plan this meeting since they best know when the meeting will be convenient for everyone.

Who actually hosts the occasion is a matter of preference. If there are step families, the bride and groom will often organize several get-togethers.

If there are serious rifts in the family, the bride and groom can plan ahead. They cannot fix the situations, but with forethought they can prepare themselves and hopefully head off any serious situations.

Somewhere over the Rainbow...

I can't help it with the songs...it's just in my head. I have included a link so you can listen while you read!

Destination weddings are at an all time high. Since the day is about the Bride and Groom, they choose to have their wedding in dream like places like The Bahamas, Hawaii, islands off the coasts of Europe...Somewhere over the Rainbow! Here are some practical tips both for the Bride and Groom and the guests!
For the Bride & Groom:

• It's important to inform your guests of your plans as far in advance as possible.
• Consider your guests' abilities to pay for their flight and hotel (guest responsibility).
• If your wedding is outside the country, check with the state department and provide your guests with all the informational paperwork.
• Have a "Plan B" just in case your plans don't work out (especially if you're planning out of the country).

For the Guests:

• It is your responsibility to pay for your travel and accommodations (and yes, you should still bring a gift).
  
• I can't say enough about RSVP (ing). This is crucial if you are invited to any wedding but especially if you are invited to a wedding far away from home...they are not inexpensive events to put on.
• A "Save the Date" card may go out well in advance of the wedding; if this is the case, mark it down and plan accordingly, these events are usually planned well in advance.

A Note about "Save the Date" cards: Save the date cards are usually mailed out three to four months before the wedding, however, if travel is required, these cards may be mailed out much earlier. These cards may be mailed to only those who must make travel arrangements, or to everyone if the bride and groom prefer. For formal affairs, these cards are printed on standard size invitation stationary to match your invitations. For a less formal affair, they may be printed on other paper, even color. The wording is traditionally as follows:

Please save the date of
Saturday, August 16, 2008
(or for formal) Saturday, the sixteenth of August, two thousand and eight
for the wedding of
Jessica Magleby
to
Richard Peterson
(or full names for a formal card)
invitations to follow (this line is optional)
Mr. and Mrs. Magleby (hosts-both parents may be used if the cost is being split)

My best friend's wedding

An invitation to a wedding is an honor. Every guest should behave in a way that will make the day happy for everyone-an obligation that actually begins with the arrival of the invitation.

1. When you receive an invitation, respond promptly if there is an RSVP response card (as we discussed on Monday).
2. The gift isn't about what you buy; it's not a competition. Give a gift that you believe will make the couple happy, if you are married, perhaps something you were grateful to receive. Some of the best gifts I received were hand made blankets that I still have.
   
• You don't have to choose something from the bridal registry.
• You don't have to spend a certain amount.
• It's not tacky to send money-usually greatly appreciated.
• You should always send a wedding gift either before the wedding or as soon as possible afterward. You do not have a year to send a wedding gift, a common myth.
• You must rely on a thank you note to ensure that your gift has arrived, or you may track your package if you send the gift.
• After three months- you may ask the couple if they received your gift if you haven't received a thank-you note.
3. No guest should dress in a manner that will outshine the bride or groom-this includes revealing clothing for women and red is never acceptable unless you are in the wedding party and the bride's color is red. You may wear white-With Caution- although personally I would stay away from this color as it does detract from the bride.

Clothing Faux Pas:

• Revealing clothing
• Costumes- except when you've been asked to dress in a certain manner to reflect the wedding theme.
• Blue Jeans-unless the wedding party will be in jeans as well.
• Any jewelry or symbols of another faith worn to a religious ceremony.
• Baseball hats or caps
• Casual shorts or boots.
• Sunglasses worn indoors (except for legitimate medical reasons).

At the reception:

• Move quickly through the receiving line if there is one.
• If there is no receiving line, make sure to greet the couple and their family at some point.
• As you socialize, introduce yourself to guests you don't know.
• Never move place cards
• Be gracious to the guests seated at your table, be sure everyone is introduced.
• Pay attention to the needs of elderly or infirm guests.
• If asked to make a toast, keep it brief and clean
• Participate in activities if you are able.
• Don't overwhelm the DJ or Band with requests
• Don't take centerpieces or favors that are not clearly marked as yours. If the host gives you a centerpiece, take it only after the table has been cleared.

Remember that this day is for the bride and groom. If there are situations that are uncomfortable for you, try your best to set them aside and remember for whom you are celebrating. If we think about them and their day, and less about ourselves, we're more likely to naturally follow the guidelines above, helping to ensure that this will be a day for them to remember for the rest of their lives.

To announce or not to announce, that is the question

My mother asked me a question. I think she's just trying to flatter me. Thank you for making my day! This one's for you.


A wedding announcement is to let people know (acquaintances, co-workers, far away friends, etc.) that you are getting married. This is not an invitation. Here are some guidelines for a wedding announcement:

• Send invitations to those whom you wish to attend your wedding.
• Send announcements to those whom you wish to know that you have gotten married (announcements are generally made a day or a few days after the wedding)
  
• It is not acceptable to write "no gifts please" on the wedding announcement, however, the person who receives the announcement is not obligated to send a gift.
• Wedding announcements may have the same paper as invitations, but they may also be on personal stationary, or you may make special cards to announce the marriage.
  
• Always include the year on your announcement so that it's clear to the recipient when the couple was married.
• Never send announcements and invitations to the same person.

Wording for a wedding announcement might be something like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Farnsworth T. Magleby
have the honor of
announcing the marriage of their daughter

Jessica Lane Magleby
to
Mr. Richard Craig Peterson
Saturday, the second of August
two-thousand and eight
Boston, Massachusetts

OR

Mr. and Mrs. Farnsworth T. Magleby
and
Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Dayton Peterson
announce the marriage of
Jessica Lane Magleby
to
Richard Craig Peterson
Saturday, the second of August
two-thousand and eight
Boston, Massachusetts

At home cards: these are sometimes included in wedding invitations and announcements. *This is the answer to the question, "if I don't include cards for my bridal registry, how will they know where to reach me?"

They are generally printed to match the announcement and they are meant to let the person who receives the announcement the address where the couple will reside and the date after which they will be "at home". These cards may be worded like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Peterson
will be at home (or "At Home"- if you prefer)
after the sixteenth of August
1234 Broadway St.
Boston, Massachusetts
(131) 555-1234

If the bride is keeping her own name, then you would say, "Jonathan Peterson and Jessica Magleby will be at home..."

I think announcements are a wonderful way to share the happy news with everyone who is not invited to the wedding. In many cases, the wedding is far away from one person's home, or both with destination weddings happening all the time. When in doubt, send an announcement.

Going to the chapel...

In honor of my younger brother getting engaged this weekend, I have decided to dedicate this week's posts to wedding etiquette. I actually had a question posed to me about a wedding the other day and I thought these posts might be helpful in some different situations. Please accept my apologies if any of this week's posts are offensive or shocking. I am simply guided by traditional etiquette, of course realizing that there are many acceptable forms of behavior for events such as these. Thank you.

RSVP- this is a French abbreviation for Respondez s'il vous plait (Respond if you please- literally translated). This obligates the invitee to accept or decline the invitation. This is not only true of weddings of course, but any time you see this on an invitation or send one out, you should expect a response from the invited parties. There is generally a date given for weddings when the invitee must respond by, this is so the wedding food and other preparations can be made to include you, should you attend. RSVP's should not be optional. I have, for informal events, placed "RSVP- regrets only" to help relieve my guests of the pressure of replying should they choose to come, but this is not usually the case for weddings, especially if there is a dinner or limited seating involved.

Invitation mistakes to avoid:

• Spelling errors- check your list thrice!
• No mention of gifts or listing of gift registries. Also, don't include "No gifts please".
• If you don't want children, don't invite them, the only people invited to the wedding are the persons who's names are listed in the inside envelope- for formal invitations, or on the outside envelope for informal invitations. (It is not accepted to say "No Children" or "Adults only").
  
• Dress notations are not to be included on wedding invitations unless the ceremony and reception are combined. You may however, indicate "Black tie" or "White tie" on the lower right corner of the invitation.
• References to food and drink are not included in the invitations, although food choices may be mentioned on reply cards.

On a personal note: Congratulations to my brother and his sweet fiancee. I love them both dearly and my brother is very special to me, I am thrilled for both of them.