A guide to using Facebook in a politically correct way

Over the past three plus years I have used Facebook as a way to reconnect with friends, keep in touch with people in my life, and share things that are personal to me in a convenient way; as well as to further my exposure to my blog.  I think most people would agree that Facebook makes things easy for you to share...but maybe too easy?

I did a segment a while back on Studio 5 that talked about "Facebook Etiquette" but in an ever-changing social media climate, things become obsolete very quickly, however, having good manners doesn't- which makes my job a little easier.

A few tips on "Facebook Etiquette" if we can call it that (WARNING- opinions follow- not rules):

• Be careful who you friend.  A vast majority of people out there have good intentions, but some don't, so have a guideline.  Mine is that I must have met them face to face and they must have been (or are currently) a part of my life somehow.  You don't have to accept every friend request you get- be selective.
• Everything can be shared.  Even with the best of intentions and privacy settings, if a friend chooses to share something that they have access to on your wall, you can't control it.  Bottom line is that you only have control over yourself.
• Be genuine but don't over share.  It's easy to write things on the end of a phone or computer when we don't have a physical audience of 600 people (or whatever your reach is on your FB profile).  When sharing something, be aware that people can see it, people can talk about it, people can (and probably will) judge it- it's just the way our society works (unfortunately to some degree).  There is nothing wrong with being genuine and sharing, but before you post- think to yourself, "is this an over share?"
• Pictures can be copied.  In my experience, this came back to me in a very real way (one that I got a great laugh out of though).  I had a friend print a pic of me from Facebook and use it in a white elephant gift exchange for a party I had.  It was cleverly done and one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen (helps that my husband's business partner was the one to open the photograph), however be aware that your photos can be downloaded and copied and you have no control over that once you've shared it.
• Remember that many businesses will look at your Facebook profile when considering whether to hire you or not.  If you've chosen to have business associates on your Facebook page then be aware that they have a peek into your life.
• Change is something to be aware of.  Facebook is always changing things, their newest change was to "Timeline" which I thought would be so great.  I could have a cover photo that was more unique and still have a profile pic that showed my face; but- I quickly realized that even with my privacy settings controlled to friends only, Facebook had allowed everything from the time I switched to it's new layout onward to be public- regardless of my settings.  Scary!
• To delete is permanent.  Again, being behind a computer screen or phone can give us courage that we wouldn't have in real life.  There are many reasons to delete people from our friend list, but be aware that they will know you've done it at some point or another most likely.  It's hurtful to the person who is deleted (having gone through it myself).  I've also been on the other end of deleting- but I try to be careful and have even apologized for it.  Like I said before, there are many valid reasons to remove people from your friend list, but think before acting.

It think that last point has been my main thought; THINK BEFORE ACTING.  It's all too easy to press a button and put something out there that isn't meant to be shared.  We can allow friends and family into our lives and experience the ups and downs with them- but use some restraint...please!  I've seen it happen to celebrities, business associates, and friends.  It's never too late to learn something new.  

Tips for a Happy Turkey Day

We are all busy today either making dishes, traveling, or spending time with loved ones.  It's a time to be grateful for what we have.  In reflecting upon the things we do have, we can also be aware of how we can make those around us the happiest and be as considerate as possible during this busy holiday season.

-consider your dress.  If you are attending someone's home, step it up a notch, it shows respect for your host letting them know that you appreciate all the effort they went to on your behalf.

-Say thanks.  Of course we will all say this during the meal, after, many times perhaps.  But remembering to write a note, a text (if you must-at the least) or a phone call after the fact to let them know how much you appreciate all the work they went to, is so appreciated and thoughtful.

-Be punctual.  Arrive and leave on time.  When your host tells you the time to arrive, pay attention and respect it.  There is a reason they have told you that time and it shows respect to be punctual.  We all run into traffic, snags with family, work, etc.  But if you do, call to let them know you are running behind and that you will be there shortly.  Know when it's time to leave.  If you are staying at your hosts home, agree ahead of time when you will be leaving and don't overstay your welcome, no matter how badly your host begs...there's always next time.  It's better to be wanted than to overstay your welcome.

-Avoid awkward and painful topics- especially in families.  This isn't family therapy.  It's not the time to talk about how you wish mom hadn't worked when you were little.  It's a time to talk about what you're grateful for and leave your problems at the door with your coat.  Pick another time to talk about things that are heavy, group gatherings are not the time.

-Offer to help clean up.  Most of the time the host has gone to a lot of work to prepare; cleaning, cooking, etc.  Offer to pitch in and do some dishes.  Roll up your sleeves and dig in.

FOR THE HOST:

-Assign tasks.  Don't be afraid to ask people to bring something.  Or if you are cooking the meal yourself, have your guests help with taking coats, setting the table, lighting candles, last minute details.

-Leave distractions in your room or office.  This is not the time to text or have the game on.  Turn off the TV and FB.  Be the gracious host I know you can be and enjoy the guests you have invited over, sit down, be engaging, ask more questions and listen more than you talk.

-Be aware and flexible.  If you are inviting a larger group of people and someone says, "I would come but Jim is spending the holiday alone."- say, "well bring him with you!"  Be gracious, it never hurts to invite one more, but you will always regret not doing so.

-Say thank you.  Your guests if you look around, are your loved ones.  Thank them for taking the time and effort to come and share time with you and loving you.  Always thank them.

-Have a flexible menu.  You may have gluten free requests, people who want to bring things even when you have the entire menu planned.  Be prepared to allow for those things and don't be so stringent.  Accept all offers for special diet accommodations.


Above all the holidays are a time to celebrate, to forgive, to come together.  I personally am not one who likes to hold grudges, have arguments that I cannot resolve, or problems that I cannot fix.  I love the feeling of peace and joy that the holiday season brings knowing that I can come together with as many loved ones who will have me and celebrate all that we have to be grateful for.

I hope that this holiday season brings all of you the same peace and joy and I look forward to bringing you some more fun tidbits here and there as the months continue.

My two cents.

Are good manners passé?

I came across the most fascinating article this morning in the NY Times that discusses a case where two gentlemen were sitting in a bar and two ladies were standing (no seats available).  The employees asked the gentlemen to give up their seats to the ladies and one of the men was upset about being asked to give up his seat to a woman and took the case to court.  I would love for you to read this article...but I am curious as to your views on this subject.

The article goes into further speculation as to why manners could be on the decline.  Family dinners are less frequent, our world is more fast-paced, manners are insincere, etc.  I found these arguments to be most intriguing as my philosophy has always been that good manners can make others feel comfortable (when I'm doing it right-which I don't always accomplish) and don't alienate others or come across as insincere.

I do believe that teaching the next generation good manners and etiquette comes more from an example than from what we preach.  As most parents can attest, our children learn best from our actions and mimic what we do, not what we say we will do.  I personally think that we do live in a disrespectful world where manners and good taste have become eroded, where Beavis and Butthead have made a comeback by popular demand?  Seriously?  If that is any indication of the level of taste or class that we are accepting into our homes, then yes, I can see how manners would take a back seat in homes very quickly and respect would fly right out the window.

In a world where Sponge Bob rules (not that he hasn't gotten a giggle out of me...) it doesn't surprise me that our children speak disrespectfully to us and that we aren't too terribly shocked by it, or are even amused by it (although we have to take things with a grain of salt or else we'd go nuts as parents- I DO have a sense of humor people).

I guess my point is that I don't believe that manners come and go like the tide.  I believe they are like values.  I believe they are a constant in a person's life and make up part of their integrity.  Some of the comments in the article suggest that manners can be surface, and perhaps sometimes, holding back a comment or not honking the horn could be seen as "not being yourself" which is drilled into our heads that we must do in todays society to find our happiness, but what about self control?  What about restraint?  When do we learn those things?  Consideration for others?  I submit that these are crucial lessons that our future generation must learn and must learn early if they are to be successful and truly joyful.

Beautiful flowers

As I have been in charge of funeral flowers for my Grandfather's funeral, I have learned a few things that I thought I would pass along that you might find helpful.  If you have information that you'd like to add, please feel free to add your thoughts and tips.


In our preparations, we have found a florist who has not only been helpful, but pleasant to work with and so friendly and knowledgeable.  Things that are all needed during this time.  I would highly recommend them and I can't wait to find occasion to use them again.  They have been proactive in contacting me and have thought of every last detail.  So lovely to work with The Painted Daisy in Highland, Utah.  


Funeral Flowers - Is it an expected part of funeral etiquette to send flowers?
First check the bereavement and funeral notice in the newspaper or phone the funeral home. Many people request donations should be made in lieu of flowers, you should respect their wishes.

However, if there are no such requests, flowers can be a great comfort to the family. If the deceased was very popular or well known, too many flowers can be overwhelming. You need to exercise your own judgment here.  A card or a phone call of empathy is often a thoughtful and welcome gesture.



Funeral Flower Etiquette - flowers for a traditional funeral:

1. Wreaths and sprays should only be sent to the funeral home and never the deceased person's home.
2. Placing flowers on the casket is a privilege and tradition reserved for the family of the loved one.
3. If sending flowers to the family home, go with an arrangement that comes with a self-contained water vessel. This will save them the hassle of fussing over and maintaining the flowers in a time of grieving where such small tasks may get overlooked.
4. If you are unsure about what color funeral to send, then stick with pastels, as they are a soft safe option.



Funeral Flower Etiquette for different religions and customs
There are different protocols observed for each religion and faith. They are as follows:
5. It is accepted to give flowers in the following faiths: Baha'i, Buddhist, Catholic, Christian, Mormon and Eastern Orthodox. For Mormons, flowers arranged in the shape of a crucifix or a cross is not acceptable. White flowers are preferred if the religion is Eastern Orthodox.
6. Check with the family if the deceased is Islamic or Hindu, as there are varying practices within the religion of giving flowers.
7. In the Jewish faith, it is a practice to send food packages to the home and family of the deceased rather than sending flowers to the funeral home. While it is becoming more accepted by some members of the faith to send flowers to the family at home, it is still frowned upon by Orthodox Jews.
Finally, if you are still unsure about the process associated with the deceased's family, ask the funeral home or the family's religious or cultural leader for advice. Many florists and online dealers are usually well versed in all aspects of funeral etiquette and may also be able to guide you in selecting the right arrangement.

The gift of empathy

Today I'm going to touch on bereavement which I have talked about before.  My grandfather passed away on Saturday after living a fulfilling life.  He was a WWII Veteran and a POW at the end of WWII.  I am very proud of my grandpa and although it saddens me that he is no longer with us, I know he's in a better place.

The process of grief is so individual and death is something you never "get over".  Yet, life still goes on.  I've heard from dear friends who have lost a mother, sister, child, etc.  that the thing that amazes them most is that the sun still rises, traffic still flows, people still go to work, even though their hearts are breaking and their worlds have come crashing down.  I think that is the most important thing to remember.  When someone you know has lost a loved one, even though carpool is still on for you, their lives are turned upside down and we can be respectful of that.

In using good manners, it's always best to keep it simple when talking to someone who is grieving.  It's a great skill to listen carefully to what they are saying and let them know how difficult you know it is for them.  Let them know you are thinking about them.  The most important thing above all is that you are genuine in what you say.  Make sure what you're saying comes from the heart and you'll most likely be OK.

Funerals are bittersweet occasions where families band together to honor a loved one.  This can be a time of great sadness or celebration; I've seen both.  Make sure you are doing your part to help others feel comfortable around you by following a few simple guidelines.

My two cents

Once bitten...

I admit, I've taken a hiatus from writing on the blog that has far more to do with my last appearance on KSL and less to do with how busy we've been this Summer (although we've been plenty busy).  It's taken a while for me to adjust to the fact that commenting and giving my opinion on things could attract such hate and ugliness and that I would be in the throws of such a controversy.  I'm all about learning from an experience and then moving on, but this has been particularly difficult to move past because of the personal attacks.  Saying I'm uneducated, a ditz, can't use the English language properly, etc; it's almost too much and made me truly evaluate why I do this and if I want to continue doing this.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about this very subject and she had referred to another blog where the author is sick at the beginning of her pregnancy.  NieNie Dialogue's Stephanie Nielson was the victim of a horrible accident and burned over a majority of her body.  She is now recovering after countless surgeries and is moving on with her life.  She has wanted to have another baby for quite some time and is finally able to do so.  I think this is a time to celebrate.  If she wants to vent about how sick she is and how difficult it is to throw up all the time, who cares?  Blogs (people forget) are an informal writing format.  They are a place for people to express their opinions, share their lives, etc.  Yet she has received hateful comments about how she should just be grateful that she can have more babies because many can't.  I am in that category by the way...I lost my ability to have more children at 28.  I've had people tell me I should be grateful I have four children because many can't have children at all.  Feeling the loss of the ability to bring a life into this world in no way diminishes the lives that I celebrate here.  It's a loss nonetheless.  But I would never resort to commenting on another person's journey or even their opinion on this topic because it differs from mine unless I could do so in a respectful manner.

I have been known to 'stick it' to people.  I could (if I chose) verbally beat another person down- I've been trained well by my mother who is the queen of verbal lashings and I'm not short on whit.  What stops me is considering the other person's feelings- something that I think we all can learn from and I am certainly not perfect at it.

The reason I started this blog was because I believed I had a different approach.  I'm not Emily Post (who wasn't an expert in her own right until she published- so if that's how we are defining now, that's fine), I'm not the Countess, I'm just a mom with four kids who has had the opportunity to learn a lot of things in my life that pertain to etiquette and manners; whether by education or experience.  My desire is always to help those around me feel more comfortable, not uncomfortable.

I guess what blows my mind is that there is so much hate and ugliness out there and that it's not limited to the people who we would assume are "bad" by society's standards.  The ugliness that I'm speaking of wells up inside and spews out in attacks and ill informed verbal lashings.

I welcome diversity and different opinions.  Certainly mine is not absolute.  I would, however, be hard pressed to truly value and welcome hatred that is being thrown my way just for hatreds' sake.

So....there you have it- my personal journal entry of sorts.  The reason that I've not written on this blog in four months.  However, the best lesson that I have learned from this experience is something my mom taught me when I was young and only now does it really make sense:

Don't let other people determine how you're going to act.

Pure and simple.  It's my choice whether I'm paralyzed by the fear of being ripped apart for my opinion.  If I were to talk about it again, would I choose my verbiage more carefully?  yes.  Would I change my opinion?  no.  That's what makes us as intelligent human beings so magnificent: our ability to reason with one another- but let's be kind as we do it.

P.S.

I do apologize that I didn't graduate college with a degree in English.  I hope it doesn't offend that I may not be grammatically correct 100% of the time or that my punctuation is imperfect.  Occasionally the misspelled word even slips by.  My only solace is that my sister DID graduate with a BA in English and is an English teacher. She has given my grammar and punctuation the 'thumbs up'.  What a load off- but thank you to all of you who felt the need to attack my writing as well, I think the only think that was left off the table were my mothering skills- anyone?

I'm now officially stepping off the soap box and putting it away.  I have let people determine how I'm going to act and that is over.  But if you are a hater...don't bother reading my blog...go make someone else miserable.

My two cents

Winner winner chicken dinner!

Thank you to all who participated (although our numbers were dismal compared to all my other giveaways).  That will teach me never to start one the weekend of Mother's day- but rather give an entire week before Mother's day- but alas, I was not in town...lesson learned.  I hope though, that whomever receives this apron will love it and think it's as adorable as I do and if we do another giveaway with Cindy, I'm sure it will be a roaring success!

I hope you were all honest and no one cheated, I honestly don't have the time to go back and look, so I'm going to use the honor system.

 Rachel said...

Such a cute apron, I love it!!

May 6, 2011 10:12 PM

Giveaway: dlux57 apron-Happy Mum's Day! (CLOSED)

I was first introduced to Dlux57.com 3 years ago (that's right isn't it Cindy?) when I got an email from the owner about an apron that I was looking to have made.  I wanted a pink teapot apron so badly (as I have a secret...or not so secret obsession with them and I needed to fill a void.  Cindy was nice enough to email me after the Apronista had posted about my request to her and offered to make the apron I had requested.  I ended up choosing to go a different route (and although my apron is cute- I think Cindy's would have been amazing too) but today Cindy has a tea and teapot apron on her website that just tickles me to death!

I think the most difficult decision I had during this entire process was deciding which apron to give away.  Cindy's aprons are not only charming, but flirty and fun.  Everything I enjoy in an apron.

Here's to all you mum's out there.  It was put perfectly to me the other day in an email I received, "The dictionary defines a mother as a female parent, yet we all know female parents who are not mothers, and we know mothers who are not parents".

Cindy was also kind enough to give you all a discount for Mother's day. Use the code MUM20 for 20% off and Free shipping and it's good until May 24th (what a doll)!

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• Leave a comment on this post for one entry**
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This giveaway will close on May 13th at 11:59pm and the winner will be chosen on random.org and announced the following day.

What a polite town Boston is

Coming to Boston, I was pleasantly surprised to find that not only were they as educated and dapper as I had expected, but discreetly polite.  They aren't easily heard in conversation to one another, on the road when merging lanes, one car goes from the left, then from the right, people freely give directions, and all around Bostonians are just polite. 

I have enjoyed this city from a historical, cultural, and culinary perspective.  The fact that it's residents were accommodating in so many ways was just a perk.  

In my travels I don't always come across such a great city, but in many ways, I would call this my favorite in the US (or at least in my top 5).   Way to be Boston- proving that some things do come with age- refinement and elegance for sure being on your side.