What do I mean?

My Madelyn woke up this morning and stated that snow hated her and that it was meant for January, not MAY!  She very emphatically stated that she was ready for Summer; she's not alone in that sentiment.

Like one of my followers (and friends) said this morning, "It's May, time for @thepinkteapot to blog..."

I appreciate being missed.  I didn't realize it had been a month since I last posted, but it's been a crazy month with Spring break, family issues, and just LIFE.  

I am excited for the warm weather, for the pool to be opened (hopefully this week...sans snow), and for the kids to be out of school (although I don't know that I am as excited as they are).  

My next segment for KSL has to do with Summer and family.  I am curious and will be asking for input on my FB fan page.

I am dancing around a subject here, actually running away from it.  I find this blog to be cathartic in many ways and feel that this is a venue where I may share whatever I deem appropriate.  

I will not go into details for privacy's sake...but suffice it to say that I had a health scare with someone close to me.  My initial reaction (before going to be by their side in another state) was to post something simple on FB asking for prayers.  I believe in the power of prayer. 

Five minutes later I got a call from someone else close to this person (but with no greater say in caring for or nurturing this person) telling me to take down the post, it was too private and/or too soon to say anything.  I respect and love this person and did what was asked.  After, not very long after, I consulted my wise husband.  He told me that in this case, prayers and a general note was in order (and he's never on FB and is very private).  I felt the same way; power in numbers.  Blessings came from that five minutes and I believe this loved one was helped and blessed in part due to my gift of over-sharing. 

The part I resented was being told what I could and could not post on FB that directly affects my life.  Other people's business is other people's business- but this was mine.  I ended up asking the loved one who was ill if they had a problem with my post; they did not at all and appreciated the effort.

 Instead of being angry that perhaps some micromanaging had taken place (and some dominion that was unnecessary and inappropriate), I had allowed it.  

I shortly after that chose to assert myself and let that person know how I felt about things like that in general.  In this particular case, my FB rule still applies: if you wouldn't tell it to an acquaintance, don't tell it on FB.  This is something I would tell an acquaintance, and have, and since I'm the etiquette blogger (although not an expert)- I might know what I'm talking about sometimes.  I still have the right to be my own person and make my own decisions as an adult and be treated with respect.

Taking down that post was frustrating and I felt belittled and scolded.  I chose to feel that way.  No one can make me feel inferior without my consent; and I gave it.

In the end, I will remember to stand up for what I believe is right, regardless of what others may say or do; that's integrity and courage.  It's important to remind ourselves that we have those qualities or the potential to develop them as we strive to stand our ground.  We need not be aggressive, but being assertive is the right thing to do.  I have enough passive agressive people in my life...I won't be another one.

Forgiveness begins with me

I have a firm belief that we are the kindest to those around us (generally speaking) whom we do not know well.  "Put your game face on", "Protect yourself".  I believe it's about self-preservation as well as insecurity as to what others might think of us.

I have found in the last 17 years though being a wife and a parent that the ones who matter most are the ones we are closest to.  We do not choose our blood relatives, but when it comes down to the wire, blood really is thicker than water.  I realize by breaching this topic, others may not agree and have chosen "alternative families".  I am not judging or condemning that.  I am simply stating that kindness begins with us and those who reside in our inner circle.  If we are unkind to family members, how genuine is our kindness to others?  I find it difficult sometimes to be kind every second of every hour of every day to my family because they are always around.

I think forgiveness on our part is something everyone is worthy of.  But we must practice it with those closest to us so that we can extend that great love to others.

We tend to be the harshest and most judgmental about our family members; knowing their weaknesses, seeing them often, perhaps blaming them for our character flaws because we are related to them and there may be past wounds that have yet to heal.

I believe that if we cannot truly forgive our family, we will have a much more difficult time forgiving others.

I simply ask and challenge you to have the courage to forgive those around you.  This begins with an honest look at what part you may have played in contributing to the (perhaps) fragile state of your relationship.  There are always three sides to every story: My side, your side, and the truth.  We all live in some form of altered reality and tell ourselves what we want to hear.

There are people I have absolutely no desire to allow into my life because of past experiences, but if I allow hatred, bitterness, or anger to dictate my actions, I am the one who pays the ultimate price.

Try to fix what you can: first in your own family relationships, then branching out to others.  When we have wronged someone, we should be honest about it.  I've always said that just because you've been hit by a train, doesn't mean you have to stand on the tracks waiting for it to happen again, but does that mean that if we see that same person who ran us over on those tracks, we should not try and help?  I believe true forgiveness is honesty, clarity, and compassion; even empathy.

You may not have the chance for closure on past relationships, but knowing you've done all you can and that you have truly forgiven: you are absolved and it no longer has anything to do with you.

Our biggest mistake (especially as women- but across the board) is holding on to what others have done and not accepting responsibility freely for our part.  I believe that in only concentrating on our part in a falling out, a hurt, a judgement, we have absolved ourselves of any wrong doing (in our heads).

We also justify our anger by blaming others for what they have done to us.  This is merely deflection and has no barring on our ability to forgive and move forward.

I think we have three main reasons we are angry at others:

1. They did something valid that hurt us or a loved one.
2. They did something that perhaps reminds us of past or current weaknesses in our own lives and deflecting that onto someone else is easier than dealing with the fact that we are not perfect.
3. We so badly want to believe we have done "the lesser wrong" and hold on to that anger in order to justify our own behavior.

Forgiveness is not easy.  Pride gets in our way too often; and so do other people.  We listen to idle gossip, we participate in it, we blame others for our own mistakes, we lie to ourselves justifying our own behavior, and on and on.

Being with my family this week helped me realize that it's the most difficult to be the kindest and most forgiving of those closest to us.  Have I been hurt?  Of course.  Does that mean I cannot forgive?  Absolutely not.  Am I to blame if I cannot forgive or hold a grudge?  Yes.  Is it my responsibility to try my upmost to right a wrong?  Without question.

Forgiveness is about us (and I personally believe that my Savior- Jesus Christ has a huge part in giving my anguish to Him).  Forgiveness doesn't have to be a two-way street, but we must be sure that our path is clear and no hazards lie in our way of letting things go.

Forgiveness is a choice, just like every other thing we deal with in life.  I am not saying that depression, homosexuality, addiction, illness, or any of the other things we deal with as human beings are choices...but how we deal with those things in our lives is a choice.  We can either have a positive attitude or a negative one.  That IS our choice.  Agency is a huge part of our accountability.  We can make our own choices.  We can CHOOSE to react with negativity or with kindness.

I grow weary of the plight: you hurt me and my anger is justified.  Seriously?  There comes a time when everyone must drop it, let it go, give it to the Savior, whatever your process is so that it no longer weighs you down into the gulf of misery and endless woe.

I truly believe "justified anger" is a tool that is used to bog us down.  We can either lift the weight, or keep it on top of us crying that this huge weight is there and that's why we are bitter, angry, vengeful, and all sorts of other things.

I will simply conclude with a short experience (yep- putting something very personal out there).  I was viciously attacked by someone with no courage.  They attempted to cause discord, ruin my reputation and standing, and who knows what else.  I cannot begin to imagine the kind of darkness that must dwell in the heart of the person who attacked my character.  I was most fortunate to have a very supportive family as well as supportive people who were the recipients of this "attack".  I put it in quotes because really, it was desperate.  It was vengeful.  That affects their hearts in the end, but it doesn't have to affect mine.  Unqualified accusations and attacks on my character make me sad.  But I am even more saddened by whomever would choose to go to such great lengths to "try" and ruin my reputation as a blogger, a mother, a wife, a person.

Whoever you are...I forgive you.  My heart truly breaks for your anger and sorrow.  Your attempts to try and ruin anything in my life were futile and unfounded.  I pray for you.  I truly cannot understand such vindictiveness; it's truly beyond my comprehension.  Perhaps, one day, if I have chosen the wrong path, I will be able to have empathy, but as of now I only have sympathy for your desperate actions.

Forgiveness begins with me and ends with me.  I will always love.  I do not hate one person in this world.  I may disagree, be a little sore from wounds inflicted, or wander with a lack of understanding; but I am truly grateful that HATE does not reside in my heart and pray it never will.

My two cents

Happy 200th Post!

I can't believe that this blog is 5 years old and I am now posting my 200th post!  I have shared many personal experiences as well as practical etiquette advice not only with you as a collective group, but have had so many wonderful personal experiences due to this blog.

I started this blog for me, to do have something all my own.  It's difficult to decide where I go from here.  Although it's an etiquette and manners blog, I feel that there is so much more to being a lady, a classy woman, than good manners.  j'adore fashion and all things elegant...but I can also shop at Target with the best of them!

"Cost and worth are very different things" quoted from one of my favorite movies "Confessions of a Shopaholic".  Probably because I can relate to Rebecca Bloomwood in SO many ways.

The world does feel better when I've just brought home bags of goodies, but then when I need a pick-me-up, I go shopping again.  I find it fascinating that in society, one who has the financial means to shop is considered eccentric, idolized, fun to watch.  But when there isn't the financial backing, it's a problem.  So interesting how society looks at those things.  I find it similar to eating...if you're thin you can eat whatever you want (if you have the disposition to not gain weight), but for those who do (I am one of them), we are looked at in a positive light as long as we stay thin, but if we gain weight, it's frowned upon and our eating habits are taken into question.

If we have a special flare for a particular thing, talent, whatever you want to call it; we will always have those who appreciate what we do and we will always have the haters, no matter how much we would like that not to be the case.

I have learned the following lessons, particularly in the last five years:

• You CANNOT control other people, you can only control yourself
• What others think about you is really none of your business
• The more success you have, the more people will not like you (true especially of women)
• Not everyone is going to like you
• Always follow the Golden Rule; it will not always work out how you would like, but at least you know you are treating others as you would want to be treated
• Forgiveness is within yourself, it has nothing to do with anybody else
• Sometimes the things that bother us the most about other people are because:  1.  We see those faults in ourselves 2. We have overcome those faults and it annoys us to see others not overcome them 3. We have had a bad experience with a particular trait that someone may possess and we have no trust or tolerance for their behavior  4. We are justifiably angry.  Often times the finger you are pointing at others needs to be turned right back around and pointed at yourself.
• I cannot and do not define myself by what my house looks like, my waist line, my children's hair,  or any other temporal thing, and have come to feel sad for those who do.  
• I have to be careful to not throw out the word "etiquette expert"(even though it's usually others who do that without my prompting) because it leaves me open for attack.
• I am not a self proclaimed anything...except a Daughter of God, a Wife to a truly amazing man, and a mother of four phenomenally talented and beautiful children.
• Success is not an external thing...and those who mistake that and brand their success with their "stuff" will just end up unhappy in the end; we must be joyful during our journey, not looking at the finish line.
• I've learned that I'm okay, and so is everybody else.  Not perfect, but okay, self assured, complete through Christ, at peace.

Those are all the things I can think of when I reflect back on this blog and the lessons I've learned from it specifically.  I have other life lessons I've learned but choose not to air any personal details (other than the ones I have shared in the past) because it's really only my business.  

I am grateful to all those who enjoy what I put out, whether in written form or on TV.  I am grateful that this blog has opened doors for me that I never thought would even be there.  I am excited for what has yet to come and hope that all of you will come along for the ride!

**oh, and I chose sunflowers because they are my favorite.  One of my favorite moments was stopping in a Sunflower field in the south of France and taking in the joy and glory of this wonderful flower that follows the sun; willing to bend and move in order to follow the light.  My aspiration.

My two cents

My new crush

Here is my latest crush.  

I don't know that my hubby approves of these crushes that I have.  I become a little involved with these things and tend to think about them probably a little more than one should.  Then, when at last they are mine, life can go back to normal and I'm okay; until I see something else I like.  My favorite personal shopper Hernan doesn't help either when I hear his Siren call as he sends me the latest pics from the LV Paris fashion show or calls me to see how I'm enjoying my latest piece or what major city I might be in next so I can tour the their flagship store.  Evil...wonderful man!

This is the Speedy Cube PM in Jaune.  It's from Louis Vuitton's Spring 2013 collection which was 1960's inspired with all it's geometric shapes and colors.  I loved the mod vibe and am in LOVE with this bag!  

I'm not into the whole Polyvore thing necessarily.  But I could just see this pairing so fantastically with a pair of skinnies, some beige flats (pointed toe), and a flowered print shirt with emerald drop earrings.  Yummy!

The message gets lost in the text...

I have posted almost 200 times and still have so much to learn.  It seems the more I learn, the less I know.  I had an interesting experience that I will vaguely share with you in hopes of saving you what my humanity cost me.

I texted someone in hopes of opening a dialogue.  It was a more serious text (faux pas #1- It should have been a phone call).  When I received a text back that was less than cordial, I responded with what I thought was a rational, non emotional text (faux pas #2- should have called or shouldn't have responded at all).  The final blow came when the incoming message was a personal (and professional) attack having little to do with my original message and quite frankly was very rude.  THEN I tried to call?!  Didn't work.  Too little. too late.  

I say over and over that I am not an etiquette or manners expert.  What is an expert?  The dictionary defines an expert as: a person who has a comprehensive and authoritative knowledge of or skill in a particular area.   Well okay.  I have comprehensive knowledge in the particular area of etiquette and manners.  However, I am flawed, make mistakes and faux paus like everyone else;  except it seems I am judged more harshly because I am an "etiquette expert" or "etiquette blogger."  Does this make me perfect?

My conundrum is that although I made a poor choice (or three), I am still a human being.  We all are.  Human beings need to communicate with their voices using tone and inflection.  This is very difficult to do via text or email.  Never end anything or say anything important via written communication.  We do not live in the 1800's when this was the only form of communication available and interpretation was up to the reader.  We have beautiful technology that allows us to communicate with our actual voices!

I had an experience once where someone basically told me off via text (I guess this one makes 2) and it's gut wrenching to feel that this person cannot even speak to you on the phone and communicate.  Try to never perpetuate the "textversation"(oooh- I think I'm coining that).  If it seems that a written communication is getting heated, pick up the phone and call, or better yet, start out with a phone call.  

  I don't love everybody and not everybody loves me.  I am okay with that.  I haven't always been okay with that.  I am glad I am now.  I would feel badly however if others couldn't learn from my fortunes and mishaps.  

I'm grateful I'm flawed and mess up (and try to be real about it).  I'm grateful I have the opportunity to improve.  I'm grateful most of all to those of you who know my heart and would understand exactly what I meant through a text.  Those people are priceless to me.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally.  Conditional love is just a waste of time.

Think before you hit send.

I can't take them anywhere!

I remember (not so long ago) my husband not wanting to go out to eat with our children because he felt like they couldn't behave.  They were young (four kids within 7 years) and although I thought well mannered, crazy nonetheless.

I remember him saying, "we are not taking you to a restaurant again until you can learn better manners" which they did and we did.

It's not always pleasant to sit next to the family with kids screaming for their dessert before their dinner, the kid who pops up from under your table when his is next to yours, or the constant badgering that goes on between parent and child while trying to enjoy a meal whether as a family, a couple, friends, or  quietly by yourself.

I worked very diligently with my children to teach them good manners and helped them to understand that eating out was a privilege, eating was a right.  Once that concept melded into their little minds, they began to look at it as a treat, much like I did when I was young.  I remember fancy dinners at lavish restaurants and being on my best behavior knowing that this was a privilege (although I always had to "use the restroom" to check it out...a fact my parents still tease me about because my girls do the same thing).

Here is an article from www.findababysitter.org about how to help your children have good manners while dining out.  It has great tips on making sure that you help them realize that this is a privilege for them and helps you take control.  It can be found HERE.  

My best advice is to let your children know your expectations ahead of time and don't be afraid to enforce the rules.  If they think you might be afraid to carry out your consequences (such as taking them out of the restaurant and going home), they will walk all over you.  Follow through and consistency are tremendously important in helping your children learn responsibility.  No one is perfect at it, least of all me, but we must get back on that proverbial horse and try, try again.

A love letter

Not an etiquette or manners topic.  Just something on my mind.  I really miss my best friend.  We laugh together, we cry together (mostly I cry, she listens because she's the strong one), we shop together, we eat lunch together, we work out problems together, we are best friends.

My best friend moved last August and I miss her.  It's like someone took my left hand and won't give it back.  I am left handed.  She is always warm where she lives now and I'm looking at the snow outside wishing we still lived three minutes away from each other.  One day I noticed I could even see my house from her back window.

My best friend keeps things to herself when I tell her something.  "In the vault" we call it.  I respect that.  I do the same for her.  We are strong in different ways for each other.  We are good examples for each other.  We can be silly, loud, quiet, serious, spiritual, it doesn't matter because we are best friends.

My mom always said if you can count the number of true friends you have on one or two hands by the end of your life, you have led a successful life.  I feel I can do this already.  I feel blessed.  I still have one best friend;  I don't have 16 or 28.  I am a lot to take on as a friend, but I give back even more.  I am a commitment, but I am committed.  Not everyone can handle me, but she can.

I love you, I miss you, I am grateful for you and grateful that we met and grateful to her for introducing us knowing we would be best friends.  She was right.

Love,

Janine

Are you LDS?

I was on Studio 5 this morning (I will link to the video when it becomes available) but was fascinated not only by the conversation that took place but by the comments afterward on Studio 5's Facebook page.  I was shocked to see how strongly people reacted for or against even talking about this, people saying "get over it", things like that.  

I wonder, if we don't care, why say anything at all?  The only topics I've ever commented on have been ones that I've actually had an opinion about.  The fact that there are comments means that it's something people feel differently about and have differing opinions on.  

My article for this segment was as follows:

Don't Assume:

Just because people live in Utah (or even in a city that is overwhelmingly LDS, don't assume the people you are speaking to are as well.

Don't be afraid:

Ask. Don't make it the first question that you ask after their name or an application they have to fill out to be a part of your life, but at some point in a conversation with someone new, ask them either if they are LDS or if they belong to an organized religion. If it doesn't come up in conversation, go back to rule #1.

Be careful with your words:

Most people have no idea what Mutual is, what a Ward is, or who a Stake President is, let alone all the other terms that may be unique to our religion. Be careful when speaking to people who are not of your faith that you don't use these words without explanation. I do believe this is a part of culture, not just a one day religion, so these words may naturally come up, but don't assume that the other person will know what you mean- so take the time to briefly explain- you might even have them respond with, "I know, I'm LDS" or " I know, I have Mormon friends" thus breaking the ice.

Be respectful and kind:

If the point of manners is to help those around us feel comfortable, then we must do all we can to make that happen. We should never pre-judge a person because they are or are not LDS. My children have friends who are LDS and friends who are not. They have good friends- period. Their friends have good families. Be careful not to exclude on the basis that someone believes different things than you do, whahetever side of the fence you may be on.

I don't think this applies to "Mormons" in Utah only.  This always applies.  I have found myself in as many situations traveling and outside of Utah using this advice as I have in this state (maybe more, in fact).  I find it so interesting that for a dull subject, or one that doesn't need to be spoken about, people have such strong words to share.  

I have never backed down from a conversation where my faith is questioned (in a hostile or a friendly manner), but misconceptions are the biggest enemy and if people don't think they are rampant...they need to open their eyes.  

I'm an open book.  Always have been, always will be.  But I don't believe in shoving my religion or beliefs down others throats.  I also don't believe in tip toeing around things.  I say things pretty much how they are (I say "pretty much" because I may choose a time that is appropriate or gage the temperature of my surroundings, but I think that's good manners no matter who you are or what you're talking about).  

Thank you Brooke, Darin, and Jane (and Chrissy) for allowing me the opportunity to speak my mind.  I have an opinion just like everyone else.  I am entitled to that.  The only thing that makes mine unique is that I come from the perspective of trying to help others feel comfortable in my presence as a presiding factor in how I behave; but anyone who knows me knows that this does not mean I will not stand up for my beliefs at all times, in all things, and in all places.

My two cents

The age of entitlement

I don't want to ramble (ha), but I wanted to address something that has been bothering me for some time.  

The feeling or assurance that someone owes you something just because you walk on the earth is frightening to me.  I have heard justifications for many things that are flat out wrong, but the most amazing part of it is that somehow (especially our teens and younger adults) seem to think it's okay to justify why they did something stupid by using the quip, "You deserved it" or "It's your fault". 

This post was prompted by a discussion we had with our oldest child (15 going on ??- depends on the day) but he's smarter than we are, he knows much more, and has obviously had life experience to teach him all he needs to know.  

As I sat and listened to him last night go on about this and that (regarding us and our parenting; we're SO oppressive), I thought:  this is a common theme I am seeing more and more; excuses for bad behavior pointed at others rather than at one's self.  

I am not a parent who thinks that I have done anywhere near a perfect job.  I mess up a lot.  I say I'm sorry A LOT.  But what baffles me in general and not always concerning my child/children but more in society is that this behavior is more common than we'd like to think.  

I don't think the welfare programs and other government funded programs would be taken advantage of the way they are if that sense of entitlement, "you owe us something, or everything" attitude were less rampant.  

I didn't have a perfect childhood, no one did.  I don't believe however that my problems are someone else's fault.  Most of the time I'm trying to figure out what I did to either contribute or cause a problem (although I've learned that some people will just take advantage of you if they have the chance no matter what).  

I found myself talking to my husband Sunday night about this very topic (which is wide spread and led to other side topics) but I've come to realize that being pliable, changeable for the good isn't a bad thing, if you know who you are in the first place and I think sometimes with all the distractions that we have in our lives, we ignore who we are, push that person aside, in order not to deal with the tough things in life.  

All I can do is hope that I am teaching my children to take responsibility for their own actions, instead of playing the blame game (which is so much easier to do and such a cop out).  We are responsible for ourselves and our choices, good and bad.  I've made plenty of both.  

As my son pointed out yesterday, "you're too open- you share too much with people mom; you're just going to get hurt".  I'd rather be open and share too much than have a wall 100 feet high letting no one in because I feel like I'm better than another or afraid of getting hurt.  I like to relate to people.  I know I have a lot of growing to do, but I'm glad that I have a strong sense of self (even with my many insecurities-at least I know what they are and am willing to work on them).  If we can be honest with ourselves, we will stop pointing the finger at others in blame, but instead take inventory of ourselves and how we can do better, be better.  

My goal is to be more teachable, more humble, more forgiving, less judgmental (especially of myself), and open myself up to getting hurt but also opening myself up in hopes of great things to come.  Knowing my divine identity and that THIS is who I was meant to be (minus a few kinks), helps me move forward not with a sense of entitlement, but a sense of hope and humility- the enemies of entitlement. 

My two cents