Beautiful flowers

As I have been in charge of funeral flowers for my Grandfather's funeral, I have learned a few things that I thought I would pass along that you might find helpful.  If you have information that you'd like to add, please feel free to add your thoughts and tips.


In our preparations, we have found a florist who has not only been helpful, but pleasant to work with and so friendly and knowledgeable.  Things that are all needed during this time.  I would highly recommend them and I can't wait to find occasion to use them again.  They have been proactive in contacting me and have thought of every last detail.  So lovely to work with The Painted Daisy in Highland, Utah.  


Funeral Flowers - Is it an expected part of funeral etiquette to send flowers?
First check the bereavement and funeral notice in the newspaper or phone the funeral home. Many people request donations should be made in lieu of flowers, you should respect their wishes.

However, if there are no such requests, flowers can be a great comfort to the family. If the deceased was very popular or well known, too many flowers can be overwhelming. You need to exercise your own judgment here.  A card or a phone call of empathy is often a thoughtful and welcome gesture.



Funeral Flower Etiquette - flowers for a traditional funeral:

1. Wreaths and sprays should only be sent to the funeral home and never the deceased person's home.
2. Placing flowers on the casket is a privilege and tradition reserved for the family of the loved one.
3. If sending flowers to the family home, go with an arrangement that comes with a self-contained water vessel. This will save them the hassle of fussing over and maintaining the flowers in a time of grieving where such small tasks may get overlooked.
4. If you are unsure about what color funeral to send, then stick with pastels, as they are a soft safe option.



Funeral Flower Etiquette for different religions and customs
There are different protocols observed for each religion and faith. They are as follows:
5. It is accepted to give flowers in the following faiths: Baha'i, Buddhist, Catholic, Christian, Mormon and Eastern Orthodox. For Mormons, flowers arranged in the shape of a crucifix or a cross is not acceptable. White flowers are preferred if the religion is Eastern Orthodox.
6. Check with the family if the deceased is Islamic or Hindu, as there are varying practices within the religion of giving flowers.
7. In the Jewish faith, it is a practice to send food packages to the home and family of the deceased rather than sending flowers to the funeral home. While it is becoming more accepted by some members of the faith to send flowers to the family at home, it is still frowned upon by Orthodox Jews.
Finally, if you are still unsure about the process associated with the deceased's family, ask the funeral home or the family's religious or cultural leader for advice. Many florists and online dealers are usually well versed in all aspects of funeral etiquette and may also be able to guide you in selecting the right arrangement.

The gift of empathy

Today I'm going to touch on bereavement which I have talked about before.  My grandfather passed away on Saturday after living a fulfilling life.  He was a WWII Veteran and a POW at the end of WWII.  I am very proud of my grandpa and although it saddens me that he is no longer with us, I know he's in a better place.

The process of grief is so individual and death is something you never "get over".  Yet, life still goes on.  I've heard from dear friends who have lost a mother, sister, child, etc.  that the thing that amazes them most is that the sun still rises, traffic still flows, people still go to work, even though their hearts are breaking and their worlds have come crashing down.  I think that is the most important thing to remember.  When someone you know has lost a loved one, even though carpool is still on for you, their lives are turned upside down and we can be respectful of that.

In using good manners, it's always best to keep it simple when talking to someone who is grieving.  It's a great skill to listen carefully to what they are saying and let them know how difficult you know it is for them.  Let them know you are thinking about them.  The most important thing above all is that you are genuine in what you say.  Make sure what you're saying comes from the heart and you'll most likely be OK.

Funerals are bittersweet occasions where families band together to honor a loved one.  This can be a time of great sadness or celebration; I've seen both.  Make sure you are doing your part to help others feel comfortable around you by following a few simple guidelines.

My two cents

When in doubt, do!

I was talking with a friend recently who had lost a loved one.  The one sentiment she expressed to me was that she wished that she had understood before the passing of her loved one, how much it meant to receive that little note or phone call showing that you care. 

So often in our lives, we think that when others are going through difficult times, we had best leave them alone to grieve, to recover, to prepare, etc., these are well intentioned thoughts, however, there is nothing wrong with sharing a note, a message, flowers, a frozen meal on a door step, whatever you feel you can do for another person.  This expressing of love and caring is often held back because we want to "respect another's boundaries" and yet, the best outpouring of love and support that I have seen in my own neighborhood and circle of friends has been when we have done the exact opposite.  

Most of the time, it is a lack of knowing what to do or say that holds us back, our own insecurities, if you will.   I have posted on this before.  If you have a friend, neighbor, or even an acquaintance who has lost a loved one, I have some suggestions on bereavement correspondence here.

When someone is ill (or their family member is ill) whether an acute illness or chronic, I have some suggestions that I've thought of.   

I think that our biggest faux pas is always in lacking to do or say something, ignoring what is in front of us, rather than addressing it.  There are always appropriate times and places to do so, but we are never remiss in letting others know that we care, only in ignoring other's suffering.  

I know that in my own personal experience I have not been perfect in addressing my loved one's suffering, but I have tried to consistently share caring (and sincere) thoughts with friends and loved ones (and sometimes people with whom I might be less well acquainted) because positive and sincere caring never hurt anyone but I do believe that a lack of concern can be hurtful to those in need.  

How does this tie into etiquette you might ask?  In every way possible, in my opinion.  This is the epitome of etiquette in my mind.  True etiquette is not snobbery or the putting on of airs, it is the sincere caring of another's comfort.  We want others to feel comfortable in our presence and in genuinely wanting that, if we strive to put ourselves out in situations that may seem awkward (like the ones mentioned above may be for some), we may find that we make new friends, heal another's heart, lift another's burden, or make another feel at ease.  

I hope you will take this challenge in it's most pure form and strive to place yourself in this position more often.  Even if this means for you writing more Thank You notes, express to others what you have failed to express in the past.  Do better and be better.  

Funeral Etiquette

No, it's not a fun topic, certainly not upbeat, but one that needs to be addressed. We've talked about bereavement in some forms and these are just some tidbits that I'd like to add about funerals and funeral services.

Attire- Muted colors are appropriate unless you have been given specific instruction to wear bright colors...I did attend a funeral like that once. White and red are generally not seen at funerals and should be avoided, unless the "white" is a white button up shirt for men or women.

Viewing- The most recent viewing I attended had a line where we were able to meet and greet family members of the deceased if we didn't know them, and to say hello and convey our sympathies and offer very short sentences or memories about what we may have remembered. This time to see the family is to be kept brief. They have many people who want their attention and want to offer their sympathies and it's always kind to think of the people having to stand in that line as well and how difficult it must be.

Service- It is customary for those in attendance to stand while the casket is brought into the room, or if the casket is already in the room, it is customary at times to stand, if so instructed, while the family enters the funeral.

Procession to cemetery- Please, please...even if you know where the burial site is, please wait until the hearse and any other family cars have left before you follow. Keep your lights on so that others in traffic might be aware that you are in a funeral procession.

Other thoughts: It's always a good idea in my opinion, to trust what you feel. Don't let fear or what others say hinder you from making a phone call to the family or sending a letter of condolence. I have said before and I will say again, we will regret the decisions to treat others poorly in this life, that is what I believe we will regret when we are older...or even gone depending upon what your beliefs are. Personally, I would want to know that I was loved and cared for, even if I didn't answer the phone.

If you are a friend or family member and can offer any assistance, again, look at this post for some ideas of what you can do that might be helpful.

Its also a good idea to remember that there is a lot of initial attention given to those who are bereaved, but that soon, we go back to our lives and hope that they have gone on with theirs or that they aren't as sad anymore. The truth is that the pain of losing someone doesn't ever go away, it just dulls a bit over time, or those sad times when you think of them come less frequently, but there is always enough room for everyone to help.

My Christmas Present to you...

I thought I'd give you a little something...a little piece of myself. I know I share my opinions with you when I post on my blog, but this is more personal. My mom said something the other day that was so profound that I truly had to think about it and I had a personal tragedy hit our family today that was beyond devastating and here is the thought that she gave, "Forgiveness isn't earned, it's given". I know it's simple, but if you really think about it, whether this time of year or any, we should be letting go of things that hold us back and not only moving forward, but doing better, being better, and loving better. Life is precious and can be taken in an instant. How would each of us feel leaving each relationship we have individually with people close to us if they passed away tomorrow? Any regrets? Anything you'd say to them or do differently? If so, please don't wait. Merry Christmas.

Condolance Cards

"I always struggle with condolence cards even for acquaintances or very close family. Have any suggestions for me?!"

My good friend posted this question and I'd love to help her out. Condolence cards can be a difficult thing because we may not know what to say and what to avoid saying. Take a look at my Bereavement post as well as You've got mail under "other kinds of letters" for some suggestions.

When writing a condolence card whether for someone you know well or someone you don't know very well, the only rule is to be sincere. I think the things that I suggested under the Bereavement post (what we shouldn't say and what we should say instead) are good guidelines to follow. Honor the person who has passed away and if you want to say you are sorry for their loss, that is acceptable too.

When in doubt, keep it brief. Sometimes it doesn't matter what is said in a note to me because I can feel the person's love for me and I'm grateful they were thinking of me; and it's always better to write something than to think, "oh they wouldn't want to hear from me".

Good luck sweetie, you always know what to say and do, I'm sure it will be perfect!

Bereavement

Bereavement- the act of being bereaved: especially the loss of a loved one. Let's talk about how to handle this delicate situation, when this loss has happened to someone you know.


Knowing what to say is a difficult thing, but following the guidelines above gives you a general idea of what to say and what to avoid saying. I think that asking if you can do something specific, or just filling a need without being asked is a good gesture; it is a rare thing that the person grieving will actually call you.

In response to written notes of condolence, there should be a brief note written. It's important to note that the person to whom the note is written (or flowers or gifts are given) does not have to write the note. Delegate that task and have the person writing thank the giver on behalf of the family, that is completely appropriate.

You've got mail!

Written correspondence is a vast topic that I cannot cover in one post (just as "communication" as a topic will be brought up over and over as it is a large category). We've talked about notes of thanks, and today we're going to talk about the "more difficult" correspondence.

I'm going to sidestep the proper form of letter writing today, we can come back to that. Here are some basics for general letter writing:
1. Use phrases typical of your speech. If you have favorite phrases, you may use them. Trying to write differently than you speak will result in your letter sounding nothing like you.
2. Occasionally insert the name of the person to whom you are writing. This makes the letter more familiar and affectionate.
3. Punctuation makes a letter exciting. Underlining a word or using an exclamation point at the end of a sentence can give your letter emphasis where it's needed. Don't overdo; a few of each of the punctuation marks will get your point across without inundating the letter.
4. Don't stop and think too long about how to say something. Go over it in your mind and then write it down, that way it will seem as though you are talking to your friend.
5. Shorter is always better than rambling on. Make your points quickly and then close your letter.

Never start a letter with something negative. I like the rule that if you must say or write something negative, it should be countered by five positives. I'm not good at this in my everyday life, but I strive to be. Emily Post talks about an English professor who said, "Begin at the beginning of what you have to say, go on until you have finished, and then stop". What a brilliant piece of advice; oh how I find myself rambling.

Emily Post says the best letters do the following:

1. Share news and information. Mix good news with bad.
2. Respond to the questions asked by the recipient in his or her letter.
3. Ask about the recipient and or comment on news he or she has shared.
4. Include only information you would be happy to have others see, or see yourself again in fifteen years. This means no idle gossip, no defamatory or unattractive remarks about others. Nothing that would prove embarrassing to you or someone else-letters have a way of resurfacing and/or reaching the hands of others.

How to close:

1. In personal letters it is not necessary to close with "Sincerely". You may use "Love", "All my love", "Love Always", "Thinking of you", or "Fondly" depending on your relationship.

Letters that shouldn't be written:

1. Letters of gloomy apprehension- No purpose is served by needlessly writing about misfortune or unhappiness- even to close family members. This is worrisome and upsetting to those who receive it.
   
2. Letter where if they were to fall into the wrong hands, you would die of embarrassment.
   
3. Angry letters- "Angry in a letter carries with it the effect of solidified fury"-Emily Post. Spoken words may fade way once the cause is forgiven, but the written word lasts forever. If you have feelings of anger to express that cannot happen in a personal setting, write them down on scratch paper and promptly destroy it. My mom always says that if you're not sure about a letter's content, keep it overnight, read it again in the morning, and then decide if you really want to send it (this would be even more true with emails since that send button is very final).

Other kinds of letters:

1. Letters of apology- again, being brief is better than going on and on. Be sincere-think carefully before writing your letter.
2. Thank you letters- we've gone over these.
3. Letters of congratulations- acknowledge the person's accomplishment and close-that's all that is required.
   
4. Letters of condolence- these are too personal to follow a form. The one and only rule for a condolence letter is to say what you truly feel. Say that and nothing else. Sit down as soon as you hear about the death and let your thoughts be with the person you are writing to.
5. Greeting and Get well cards & letters- These would include Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. They should always include a hand written message when possible-no matter how fantastic the printed card is.
   

Phew! That was just personal letters...and I wasn't complete in covering that either, but hopefully this gives you a good point from which to start. I feel these things are most important:

1. When in doubt, hold the letter for 24 hours and re-read it again before sending it (true with emails as well).
2. Say what you feel. Often times we get caught up in other emotions that are not our "true" emotions- but remember, if this is something that has made you angry, save that "primary emotion" and talk with that person face to face if at all possible.
3. To write or not to write- if in doubt, since our correspondence should be positive- Absolutely! Always take that risk and think of yourself on the receiving end of that positive email, card, or letter.

I don't have a question for you today, it's too early! Have a lovely day (and holiday for those of you that celebrate the 24th of July).